In kink culture there is one great big expectation that we often forget to talk about; being polite and respectful. Say please and thank you. If something is not yours, ask to touch it, if someone has not given you permission to touch them or get in their space, don’t do that either! Respect the comfort zones of both people and their partners. It’s not rocket science but it astounds me how incredibly disrespectful some members of the community will chronically behave, after repeated warnings and communication.
I’m going to just say it out right because it needs to be said.
Touching someone without their consent is not okay!
Touching other people’s partners without their collective consent is also not okay.
Getting in someone's personal space without consent is not okay.
Basically non consensual kink activities in general, not okay, and that should be more clear! Budding in or interfering in someone else's scene or power exchange, very much disrespectful and possibly dangerous.
If someone declines your invitation to do kinky things with them, its not acceptable to be act offended by the fact that they decline. If they are rude about, that you can be offended by. But consent is sacred and everyone’s right.
Another one I'm seeing more and more okay, engaging someone with sexual or power titles without consent is also not alright. Titles mean many things to many people, and are sometimes sacred to a relationship. Its entirely acceptable to indicate someone is their partner’s ___title___ but to address them as such without indication that that’s okay can be incredibly disrespectful. And expecting someone else to engage you with a title is equally disrespectful. I see it a lot more online. Just calling a friend or even a stranger Mistress or Master for example without them being alright with it will ruffle some big feathers. And expecting someone to call you X title and being offended when they are not comfortable doing so makes you look like a giant asshole. Oh, and excuse me Grand High Vampire of the Golden Lands for expecting every sub out their to read your mind that you expect to be called that by them for some reason. Maybe you need to relax your pride just a little bit and remember you are both human beings with equal rights on this planet.
I’ve been holding off on this rant for a few months but after some things that really bothered me recently, I’ve realized it is long overdue. At a party I was at I saw several cases of very unsolicited non-consensual touches. From unasked for uncomfortable hugs to grabbing of someone else's body without consent struck me as something that is too easily dismissed.
A few months ago I met a new person at a munch. Not new to town, new to kink in general. She identified as a switch and seemed to be leaning towards the dom side. She was shy and nervous and rather kind. I had polite chat welcoming her to the community and later befriended her on fetlife. As she was welcomed into the community and stacked her friends list, her shyness wore off. The next two times I saw her, she aggressively attempted in one form or another to try to exert non-consensual dominance over me, getting into my personal space. I’m not going to go into details here, although I did publish my second warning letter to her on tumblr out of sheer frustration earlier in the summer. Because the awkward moments involved unsolicited body contact from her, very domineering and objectifying statements towards both myself and my partner.
Now by the third incident we were both rather leery. At a munch she attempted to force herself upon me with an unasked for forceful hug, ignoring my verbal warning to not touch me, requiring me to physically dislodge her from me, nearly shouting for her to stop and back off before she desisted. This is not okay.
This sort of bullshit is not acceptable behaviour and yet I’ve seen it more and more in the community both at home and across the internet to many of us. Be aware. Be informed. Know what you are within your rights to deny consent to. If someone fucks up with this, but owns up to it, learns from their mistake, then great, lets accept them respectfully into the community and let them earn trust. But if someone just keeps on fucking up after being warned, then be aware and warn others. Its not okay in any other community to violate the consent of others, and it sure as fuck isn’t okay in the kink community. And anyone who tells you otherwise might just be fucking dangerous.
End Rant
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