What are we, in the freak’n mob?

I speak to you today, in a bit of irritation about a concept. That concept is protection, and to a lesser extent mentorship and other specialty relationship types.

A friend of mine recently got the short end of the stick from someone who had pushed to be their protector, and mentor, and trainer, etc. It really bugged me. So I got into a conversation with the lovely and talented Stabbity  about this whole silly situation, and some interesting points were raised.

What is a protector? Well that's a good question, as in kink any relationship title is variable to the person using it. Generally if someone is using the protector status, or protecting, it means they are voluntarily in a position of authority over another person in regards to who they play with, or what sorts of things they can do, and also will back them up if another party violates the comfort zone or safety of the subject party.

Now optimally this sort of arrangement is great, on a temporary basis for a new person who is still figuring out where things are, who people are, and above all else what’s safe. Usually this sort of thing works really well for going to someone's first event, especially around more edgy players or a more protocol based scene. I have met people at their first play party who are wearing a one night only protection collar, and being watched very carefully by the protector, who happens to be a good friend making sure nobody fucks with their bestee.

Now on the other line of reasoning, does someone need ongoing protection from the great big world? Probably not, as when one gains friends in a community and can go to them for advice on who's good or bad to play with, provide safe calls, and even look out for each other. Really those basic things a protector does, are done by any good friend without an official title or authority.  Now forgive me, as this sounds universal and I’m sure there’s a good exemption to this logic somewhere, but doesn’t that all seem like official protection should be more of a temporary or special case by case basis situation?

Heck I had a good friend who put protector on her fetlife status in regards to me just because she wanted people to know plain and simple shed kick them in the teeth if they messed with me. There was no relationship status to it, just a public advertisement of a loyal friend.

And here lies the problem. What happens when someone pressures a newbie into being their protectee, or protectee/student and pushes them that their way is the only way, or just uses them as a pawn in their social agenda? Sounds a lot more like a mob movie to me, where the shopkeepers are asked to give “protection” money, and then later get used for laundering. Its an odd parallel but it works.

 

Here’s an idea that Stabbity suggested to me, and I built on; people that engage in mentor/trainer/protector relationship types with others and are of opposite power exchange alignments should not be playing together. Playing or personal d/s or sexual relationships should not also be combined with those neutral relationship types. You combine fun power dynamics in with a neutral help position that may run some authority, and that neutral help dynamic just becomes a power dynamic, and a big game that could leave someone hurt.

There are exceptions, such as a teacher for a specific topic using a lesson type play, such as workshop environments, or a nonsexual pony play trainer, etc. That however would be likely a casual environment and not a formal relationship with this teacher person. That teacher person might actually be your lover and you are just taking part in the workshop. So yeah, this isn't universally ironclad logic because there are always loopholes, but more a bit of common sense analysis of it all.

Without a bit of common sense, and consideration a special status like “protector” gets turned into a relationship type soon overblown, and overpowered, leaving one or both parties hurt or upset and it just isn’t right. I wish more people in this oh so enlightened bdsm world used a bit more common sense. And If you think you are an expert, and need to impart your wisdom, perspective, and mightiness on a vulnerable newbie, don’t take yourself so damned seriously that you forget about the person you actually intend to help, and spook them away from kink altogether. A bit of perspective folks, it’s not hard.