I'm running on a bizzare sleep cycle as i'm doing a 2 graveyard shift stint to help the night guy out so bare with me if I sound rediculous.
As I've entered before I have a lot of frustration about communication. I get really bent out of shape if I don't hear from my Dragoness within a few days. I also get frustrated if we don't have any meaningful communication in the times we do talk. This week was hard as we went four days without her contacting me and I was trying to be independant and let her come to me. I sorta failed as I left a few texts and one voicemail in that time, finally breaking and sending an "are you okay" message. After she responded I reminded her by asking if she could try to maintain some form of daily contact. I don't think I've conveyed properly too her just how disconnected I feel if I go too long without communication. I can be perfectly happy in my own world keeping myself busy, but at the same time i dont feel my connection to my partner as strongly. At the same time with an unprepared for absense my sense of submission and vulnerability to her drys up. Even my sex drive starts to yoyo. The less wanted I feel in that regaurd the more one sided I feel and I just get frustrated if I think about it.
But Ive been working on reminding myself of a few things. 1. its her first long distance relationship, and long distance is a lot of work. 2. its her first ds relationship, and ds is a lot of work. 3. I have to be patient and relay my feelings on the matter when its possible to do so.
I think If I take things day by day, and think positive, things will improve.
I spoke to a good friend of mine in the lifestyle and she suggested I think about my relationship needs and my relationship wants and discuss it with my Lady. It was good advice, and I thought I had done this to some degree. But I think next time Dragoness visits i'll sit down and try and talk with her about my needs and wants in a relationship, and hers as well, and try and figure out a plan to accomodate both of us given the distance. I would talk about it via text or phone, but the phone always cuts out and text is so impersonal. Talking about something like this in person makes a big difference though because we can sit and see each others body language and maintain positivity. It could be a bonding experience I think, building better relationship tools.
In other news I've improved my karma I think. This is going to take some explanation, and those of you who haven't known me personally for a long time may laugh. At one point several years ago I thought I was a switch. I had convinced myself that thats what I had to be, because its what i was supposed to be to make people happy. About midway into this age of denial, I had become quite affectionate for a dear friend of mine. A dear sweet, very submissive masochistic friend of mine. She had helped me through a hard time and we really bonded. Some of that affection turned sexual, and I being convinced I should dominate, expressed that upon her. We fell madly in lust with each other and a rediculous superficial relationship ensued. The kicker to the superficiality was she was very long distance, lived in freakin england, everything was over webcam and chatter and email. But somehow we ensued for months, playing little kinky games, getting excited, and I like a sap wearing my heart on my sleeve fell for her. As that year went on and affection blossomed I had to try extra hard to convince myself I was in charge. It was a slow trainwreck in action as i had no actual control, and she didnt seem to notice. Her life got in the way, she got distant, i got clingy and my inner subby "i need you" instinct kicked in. I think in some ways she sensed it, and was repulsed by my frail vulnerability. In all fairness if my dominant subbed out towards me like that id be a bit baffled too. So she just disapeared for a while, dropped out of communication, and went from days between emails, to weeks, to a month and a half and I snapped. I sent her a message saying I couldnt keep things up anymore, her life was too busy and she just wasnt there, yatta yatta. I was quite hurt and had trouble sorting things out (also still in huge denial about my orientation). About 4 months later out of the blue she pops online and starts talking to me like nothing had ever happened. She just presumed to be the same old cat who had been before the relationship, and whining to me about her new job. .... I went red with rage and snarled at her with anger and unkindness. I said some things that in hindsight, not so proud of, and told her never to speak to me again.
That was about three years ago. Ive been reminded a few times about how sourly that ended, and how much it sucks to lose a good friend in the process. So I sucked it up and sent out an olive branch. I appologized for my part in the negative ending of things and the harsh words I said. I told her she had been a good friend to me, before everything got complicated and messy. I told her I forgave her for what she had done to hurt me, and wished she could find it in her heart to forgive me. I sent hope we could regain friendship lost, but in reality know that its unlikely. Sending an appology though, it removed a weight from me I did not know was there. It was a real relief and I think in the end, it might bring some good karma my way. It was a silly grudge to old and unnessecsary negative energy to keep. Hopefully that olive branch will result in positivity somewhere, somehow.
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