You really can't go home again

I'm going to try to come off not so ranty, but it might be hard.

I grew up in a small town, in rural Alberta. I grew up in a place that is very heteronormative. If it wasnt for my queerfriendly vancouver raised parents I'm not honestly sure what would have become of me. Even then I was convinced of myself as very straight very normal, and when I realized I was kinky growing up I did my best to repress that. It took a lot of effort to learn who I am, and appreciate/accept that after leaving.

I love my family, and miss my bigbrother and sister (godsiblings) that are still living out there very much. I was really glad when I was able to go out and visit for the first time in two years, just this last weekend. Was able to see my nephews birthday, and see two nephews and a neice total. Normally I'm restricted to just phonecalls and it was real quality time. That being said, after about 12 hours "back home" I wanted to leave based on local culture. 

Everything was very everyday tvshow hetero caucasion vanilla  cut and dry, black and white. I forgot just how profound it is to experience after being away. The same thing happened to me the last visit two years ago and I had forgotten. My beloved big brother made enough customary homophobic humour that I felt a little anxious right from the getgo. He has no idea i'm pansexual and would not accept me if I were to ever express that i am attracted to more than just traditional cysgendered women. On the second day, there was a birthday party for one of my nephews, thus the timing of the visit. And i forgot the crucial thing about "back home". If someone has a party, all those lifelong highschool friends come too. All those kids that never grew up, that are now in their 20s and early 30s, calling each other gay, making comments using anti-gay slurs (you know the word), etc. I took a few flights and stepped right back into the awkwardness of my teens, including the odd glances from acquaintences, and little mutterings that stop when i walk within earshot. Oh and the whole "so you arent engaged yet?" or "Youre still working in hospitality? hows that working for you?" skeptically... It was all so much of an ego hit. All the while I needed to be that perfect brother/son/uncle/grandson to the family. After leaving i started to remember just how big of a inferiority complex I had growing up, as it had kicked in hard this weekend after so long. 

That feeling carried over into the week. I teared up at the grocery store today feeling like im just not good enough and then realized that things must have really gotten to me. So tonight ive worked hard to remind myself that i'm not a let down, that i am living up to my own personally styled potential and working hard every day. I guess all I can do is take that all, day by day.