Remember These Things

This will be the first entry using my awesome new categories. Since I do a little bit of day to day and a little bit of deep thoughts I'm categorizing the general stuff anyone can find thought provoking as different than my own everyday living, or personal reflection stuff.  This is personal life reflection today.

 

I have been lucky with many good friends since I reached adulthood, that have stayed with me for the last 7 years through thick and thin. One particular friend I owe a lot to. She started out a bit of a little sister figure to me, needing advice and friendship. Over time she became a peer and even a great shoulder to lean on when I needed help and advice. Though sometimes thick and sometimes thin our contact might leave us evolving and changing separately or mutually. Lately this friend and I rarely connect or even communicate very often, I cannot remember the last time we had a decent private conversation, but regardless she will always be a person in high esteem to me. Ever had a friend like that, who earned your respect and admiration time and time again that your loyalty is there henceforth? One of the nicest sweetest things she ever did, was write me a little note. After a particularly heartbreaking breakup, I was short on pride and clueless as to what was going wrong with me. I was also at a stage of social ineptness born of being clueless as how to behave in social casual kink circles. She saw this and decided to give me some much needed advice. She wrote it all up on a note that I keep with me to this day, and when I’m having a particularly bad day I read it.

It is double sided, and taped together in the middle with electrical tape as it was two small notes put together. (She’s eclectic that way.);

 

 

Remember These Things

Focus On The Big Picture

Get an overall sense of the situation, details are only good for confusion. If you have an overall formula that works for most things, you won’t have so many problems to solve.

For when you’re socially stressed and don’t know what to do about problems.

KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid)

People love the subtly awesome person. People are truly awesome when they don’t even realize it. Be self sufficient and people will relax around you, and respect you because they wont feel like they need to take care of you. Subtlety is an art form of social situations. It’s like knowing how to do oral, it just makes sex better.

Let other people do the work, you don’t need to entertain everyone. They should entertain you.

Nitty Gritty Stuff

• you want to be satisfied with your self
• the more satisfied with your self you are the less narcissistic you will be
• the less narcissistic you are the more you can exist positively for other people
• the more positive you are in other peoples minds the more satisfied you will be with your self.
• it takes time but just keep gathering bits of confidence

 

I know this might all seem obvious but it’s important to ingrain it in your head like a math equation. So that when you can’t see the forest for the trees you’ll be able to trigger that equation and get out by your self

SO READ THIS EVERY DAY!!!

(ish)

You know, like your mantra or whatever… I think it would help

Love, ______

 

PS I hope this HELPS, It’s what would work well for me.

Keep it up man. I’m proud of you!

The apple don’t fall far…

 

So who else has family members involved in kink? Who else has had, or does have a heck of a time dealing with that fact and communication with the family member in question on that subject? Many have issues with this. I know I did, as someone very dear to me in my vanilla family turned out to be also kinky.

I know many others in this same boat, be it parent, child, sibling, etc. In my case it was a parent, and a matter of realizing they were into the same world I was when I was having trouble accepting myself for it.

Now I’ve heard many variations of this story, but what I understand it’s common for one to have a lot of confusing reactions when faced with the normalcy of being “different”.

I had a dramatic and unusual reaction, denial, and rejection. My parent tried to talk to me about things, as some of my interests were noticeable. I was animated, upset, and above all denied the whole thing. I even made some comments to refer to them as being abnormal and different for what they were implying.

A few years later I finally had the courage to accept myself, and to talk to them about who I was, and accepting who they were.

Since then we have had some amazing conversations about the lifestyle and even talked about important subjects. It is amazing to have that support.

This last weekend they came to visit, and I was able to introduce them to my friends in the community at a dinner. It was actually rather fascinating to see how they interacted with others of multiple age categories in the lifestyle. And in point of fact it was hilarious for me to see that my kinky parent has the same kink-radar I do and picked out who was dom, sub, switch,  or other in the room just by observation. They only had one wrong. Hilarious how life works out.

What are we, in the freak’n mob?

I speak to you today, in a bit of irritation about a concept. That concept is protection, and to a lesser extent mentorship and other specialty relationship types.

A friend of mine recently got the short end of the stick from someone who had pushed to be their protector, and mentor, and trainer, etc. It really bugged me. So I got into a conversation with the lovely and talented Stabbity  about this whole silly situation, and some interesting points were raised.

What is a protector? Well that's a good question, as in kink any relationship title is variable to the person using it. Generally if someone is using the protector status, or protecting, it means they are voluntarily in a position of authority over another person in regards to who they play with, or what sorts of things they can do, and also will back them up if another party violates the comfort zone or safety of the subject party.

Now optimally this sort of arrangement is great, on a temporary basis for a new person who is still figuring out where things are, who people are, and above all else what’s safe. Usually this sort of thing works really well for going to someone's first event, especially around more edgy players or a more protocol based scene. I have met people at their first play party who are wearing a one night only protection collar, and being watched very carefully by the protector, who happens to be a good friend making sure nobody fucks with their bestee.

Now on the other line of reasoning, does someone need ongoing protection from the great big world? Probably not, as when one gains friends in a community and can go to them for advice on who's good or bad to play with, provide safe calls, and even look out for each other. Really those basic things a protector does, are done by any good friend without an official title or authority.  Now forgive me, as this sounds universal and I’m sure there’s a good exemption to this logic somewhere, but doesn’t that all seem like official protection should be more of a temporary or special case by case basis situation?

Heck I had a good friend who put protector on her fetlife status in regards to me just because she wanted people to know plain and simple shed kick them in the teeth if they messed with me. There was no relationship status to it, just a public advertisement of a loyal friend.

And here lies the problem. What happens when someone pressures a newbie into being their protectee, or protectee/student and pushes them that their way is the only way, or just uses them as a pawn in their social agenda? Sounds a lot more like a mob movie to me, where the shopkeepers are asked to give “protection” money, and then later get used for laundering. Its an odd parallel but it works.

 

Here’s an idea that Stabbity suggested to me, and I built on; people that engage in mentor/trainer/protector relationship types with others and are of opposite power exchange alignments should not be playing together. Playing or personal d/s or sexual relationships should not also be combined with those neutral relationship types. You combine fun power dynamics in with a neutral help position that may run some authority, and that neutral help dynamic just becomes a power dynamic, and a big game that could leave someone hurt.

There are exceptions, such as a teacher for a specific topic using a lesson type play, such as workshop environments, or a nonsexual pony play trainer, etc. That however would be likely a casual environment and not a formal relationship with this teacher person. That teacher person might actually be your lover and you are just taking part in the workshop. So yeah, this isn't universally ironclad logic because there are always loopholes, but more a bit of common sense analysis of it all.

Without a bit of common sense, and consideration a special status like “protector” gets turned into a relationship type soon overblown, and overpowered, leaving one or both parties hurt or upset and it just isn’t right. I wish more people in this oh so enlightened bdsm world used a bit more common sense. And If you think you are an expert, and need to impart your wisdom, perspective, and mightiness on a vulnerable newbie, don’t take yourself so damned seriously that you forget about the person you actually intend to help, and spook them away from kink altogether. A bit of perspective folks, it’s not hard.

The Nature of Service

You may not tie me up. You may not beat me down. You may not give commands, just important and firm instructions. You are assertive, without needing to be aggressive. You are directive and affectionate.You are soft when you can be and hard when you can’t.

You may not wear catsuits, or corsets everywhere. You even get sick, and sad, and can cry, and show your vulnerability.

You are a real person, a unique person, with your own thoughts ideas and fantasies.

At the end of the day, when you come in with sore feet after working a real job and i get down and rub then for hours on end; I am serving. When I cook and serve you dinner and you smile and savour it; I am yours. When you have had a bad day and need to talk about your feelings; I am fulfilled to listen. I am at your service, and I am fulfilled to be with you. More-so than any of those other things could ever inspire. Be who you are, and no one else.

Sharing a Hobby

I have been slow to blog lately and it might be a bit of a thing for a while that I only post once in a while. I’m quite thrilled though, in that I am writing a lot… just in a very vanilla setting. I have joined my lovely partner in her text based roleplaying storyscape. It takes up a lot of my writing energy and has been a lot of fun.

On that note I’ve come to realize that its an interesting motivation that got me involved though. It often sneaks up on me how much I want to please her that I can get myself geared up to doing something I would otherwise likely never take an interest in (I’m even eating vegetables, and not the tasty kind, on an irregular basis when she's about). It turned out to be fun and somewhat interesting, but it’s all the more giddy making knowing everything I contribute to will please her. Now for a not officially dominant person, she seems to inspire this in me a lot, and appreciates my enthusiasm all the same. It’s rather lovely.

The funny thing is, it never occurred to me but I think I’ve done that with other hobbies and activities and plans for her, and other partners before without ever really thinking about it. Submission mixed with romance and active hobbyism, its an intriguing formula. Food for thought.

 

Yes I know some of those words are made up. That's just how I roll.

inspired submission

Lately I have been in a very unique situation. My new partner is not particularly “kinky” in the traditional sense. She has a dominant side but it isn’t “dominant” as a general rule. This vanilla relationship thing has given me a lot of chances to get to understand the subtly of human psychology for d/s style chemistry without d/s labels. I find myself doing submissive things and responding to dominant behaviours randomly, in cuddling, in talking etc, but we aren’t consciously identifying it that way. It gives me new appreciation for the value of that core trust and vulnerability it takes to expose one another to trust and power exchange.

We are in fact all human. and I do believe that dominance, submission, sadomasochism etc, are just explorations of traits inherent to human beings. In that, to some degree or another we inspire power between ourselves. Those of us who are actively “kinky” really play with it of course. I’m finding myself though, inspired to my inner sense of submission by the actions of my sweetheart, and she in turn responds with a dominant care. It’s really quite lovely and brings me a lot of appreciation for human nature.

the summer of DOOOM

Has anyone else felt it in the air the last month or so? Something just doesn’t tune in right. People have been surlier, tempers higher, stress mounting, and BREAKUPS EVERYWHERE. It seems like almost everyone I know has ended up breaking up. It seems like in a few short weeks all the folks I knew that were in more trepedatious or shorter run of relationships were breaking up. From the one month-ers to the one year-ers it seemed like everyone was kaput. It made me very sad. Two of my favourite people, who were about to get married, suddenly called things off. Although not all of it is final ends. It sounds as though they are trying to make it work out.

 

And in my realm of things, I've found things aren't irreversibly bad either. My dear new ladylove has been helping me deal with my stresses and at the same time tapping into a dominant side indirectly. She's found my “obedience button”. A way to say to do something, like “calm down” and it happens. It’s quite lovely. I’m trying to work up the nerve to see if she might want to try doing it just for fun.