You are what you eat

So for the last few months my lovely partner has been sliding vegetables and healthier choices than I usually go for into the menu. Its been a very sweet way of her to show she cares and she's explained shed like to see me healthier.

A week or two ago we had a casual chat, in which I discovered she was getting more adamant in her desire to curb not only our shared meals, but my own private meals as well. We were grocery shopping, and she stopped me from buying something unhealthy, and looked at me, standing her ground and said “You don’t need it”

Since then I’ve come to find myself going into a mindset of subconscious will power, based on her want for me to adjust my diet. I feel so touched that she's taking a somewhat moderate push into an aspect of my life, completely of her own motivation and violation. I'm also proud of her, for standing her ground where she feels the need. I’m a lucky man to have her.

The last week I've been much more conscious of each meal I eat, even a bit afraid to eat the wrong thing, to the point where I’ve had to message her asking about my food decisions, as I flail on my own self made multiple choice test. And she's even actively told me “No” when I’ve gone to eat something disagreeable. I feel melted by her will about me, in the way it comes from her heart.

Its not big things that move me, but the power behind the little things. I will be healthy, for her, because she inspires me. Being this inspired for something arbitrary, is a sure delight

The Unconscious Submission

I've blogged recently upon my sense of submission to my girlfriend being earned by her nature and that I feel inspired where she does not expect it. It was really neat because i consciously noticed myself giving her more priority and attention. I wanted to be giving her this submissive energy and respect as she showed me just how humble and caring she is through her actions.

As such we have bonded and grown closer. She's become an intimate part of my every day. And our passive communication and intimacy have borne ongoing trust building, and mutual respect. Its gotten to the point where I don't think about what were doing, that we've built unconscious reaction to one another when we’re spending time together.

In that time I’ve expanded on my domestic service aspects, and examined more subtle and passive formats of d/s. The less attention getting fetish activities, and ways to feel safely not in control, without putting pressure upon her to actively reciprocate. And yet, there's the rub. She has reciprocated, in dozens of ways that she never notices. When I have poor decision making abilities, she's there and steps in with a choice for me. When I'm having will power issues, she has a firm hand to direct me. And when I feel erratic she soothes with confident direction to breath. Her hand in mine, my head on her shoulder, It didn't even occur to me just how deep intimate connections could grow without sexuality.

I was describing her to a new friend tonight, and as I was sharing these words describing what a deep relationship I've found myself in with my dear sweetheart, I realized just how deeply my sense of connection with her has grown. And I was describing it out loud how safe that my partner makes me feel to be so vulnerable that I realized that even subconsciously, she motivates me to give her whatever she can have of me. And she in turn pulls me in. Even without her in the room, this piece of my heart grows and grows.

It is a beautiful feeling, realizing that my heart can fall upon its knees, without my even knowing it. I don’t think it’s ever taken me by surprise this way before. Everyone should be able to feel their heart give and take of its own accord at least once in life.

The label-less feeling

I write a lot about kink topics, and feelings in power exchange, and of course about not relying too much on “labels” and definitive boxes in said topics. I still use them, we all do. Without definition we have no use of language after all. Its useful to have an evolving use of language is after all, in the ongoing journey to express ones self. Its just important not to get trapped in stigmas, and boxes, and behaviours expected based on words and personification of those labels.

I identify so many ways, in this realm, mostly under the umbrella of different submissive labels, depending on the circumstance, but there is so much more to me as a person than just that. Even in romance, there are so many sides to being in existence. And the last few months, being involved with someone who is foreign to relationships based on those labels, has opened up my mind to just how much one can really feel when they don't necessarily need to.

The other day it hit me, when I wandered into my living room to find my love on the couch, and rather than sit down beside her, i naturally fell to my knees and put my head on her lap. She pet my head and we talked affectionately. There was no lead up, and nothing kinky going on, but here I was in a very submissive headspace just naturally relaxed with her.

There is no rule, custom, or requirement for me to do so, and she doesn't actively tell me to do such a thing, and yet, it felt just right. I am hers, and in an odd reciprocal way, it all just works, without having to by any custom or reason.

The feelings are there, and don't need to be defined in any special way beyond affection. The concepts around bdsm are so beautiful and wonderful for description and understanding, or for exploring other ideas or possibilities. Ultimately though, its grand knowing that those feelings and expressions can be felt and exchanged with a dash of power exchange and a drop of dom/sub entirely undefined. Just the power of the heart, more than anything else, creating a pattern.

At the end of the day, all those concepts, all those kinks, and all those customs the bdsm culture established, they all came from the emotions and romance between people. Humanity is a beautiful thing.

The Personal Evolution of Others; Inspiration

A few weeks ago the local kink association Sagacity held its annual conference and birthday celebration, the “Birthday Bash”. It was a lovely party in which many fun scenes took place, a lot of great educational workshops happened. It was a smashing success.

One thing really stood out from that weekend to me though, and it was a person I admire showing just how much they have grown, evolved and changed since I first met them.

To explain more thoroughly, almost two years ago when I moved to Victoria I met this friend amongst many of my newfound friends. She was an enthusiastic kinkster who was just enthused for play. By our conversations I identified so well with her innocent enthusiasm to being bound and beaten, dominated. She approached all sorts of sub/bottom/maso activities with the gusto of a star runner hitting the track. I was in some ways, a bit afraid for her, that in her enthusiasm to bottom for interested parties she might end up playing with an abuser or getting herself hurt. It was so endearing I took the time and got talking to her about stuff, and sent her every bit of literature I had that might be helpful. Little did I know when I thought of said plan she would have already been digging through what resources she had. She hit the ground running and used her head too. It was incredibly impressive.  Over the course of the months I saw the eager fledgling young kinkster get further and further to the point where she was getting into very heavy very well done scenes and just impressing anyone that knew her with personality, attitude, and happy demeanour.

What we didn't realize was, this was a girl who dove into what she wanted to do, and learned, soaked in, and took up everything she could. A few months ago she told me she was thinking about starting to top too. I was impressed and figured it would go well for her, with her whole “can-do” attitude and approach. So it would appear over the past few months she soaked up knowledge, read things, practiced on pillows, and figured out all the silly things that tops and switches etc have to learn about being in charge and beating people and all those boring things I'm not quite sure why they have fun doing (but am so glad they do them).

 

And that brings us up to that fateful night at birthday bash, when I was witness to said persons first scene topping. Watching and a dear respected friend of mine kindly beat, hold down, and torment another gal who was in so much bliss she can barely remember 3 minutes of the lengthy scene. If I didn’t know better, I would have never known it was my friends first chance topping another person, and it was so natural and careful, it was easy to see her practice and study pay off. I was so proud to see this friend of mine achieve her goals, and take on the avenues and challenges she wanted to with full success. Not only that, later on she had fun on her traditional side of the coin by bottoming in a delightful scene. That determination to reach out and go for ones own chosen development, well it was inspiring!

Why would I consider this personal evolution? A person takes on skills, perfects them, and forges ahead on their chosen paths. Be you sub, switch, dom, or any variation or category, or even a vanilla person, you could learn from this example. I know I will, next time I see skills and explorations I want to enjoy, I'm going to dive in and take it with gusto, at least I hope. You should to.

The Bottom Plate

 

Everyone talks a lot about big scenes, bondage, pain, humiliation, dress up, all sorts of active kinky fun. But what about expressing kink in an everyday activity, not through flashy use of pervertables, but in combing a power exchange role with how you take in said activity?

One of my favourite examples is the service of food/beverages to ones dominant partner. In my experience a well cooked or served meal, dessert or breakfast can be a very submissive act. The range of food/beverage service can also be quite empowering and fulfilling for the person being served. Today I’m going to talk about what you should know to go about such an activity. I’m also going to use the term “guest” to indicate the person dining, as that person doesn't necessarily need to be a top/dominant.

Sidenote: The following is my personal outlook on this topic, not a definitive end all be all on it. If you find a different way to approach it, then by all means take that path. The road is open to everybody.

There are three main  types of f&b service styles a sub/bottom can go for;

1. HIGH PROTOCOL

• Lots of rules.
• Plans or systems directed by the dominant about behaviour/expectations.
• Usually interpreted by explanation in advance for that circumstance.
• Often in conjunction with multiple d/s pairs or groups.
• Usually this is just a very special occasion; like a protocol dinner
• Might be the norm for a high power exchange relationship setting
• High degree of subtle power exchange when done, usually acknowledged

2. Casual  Submissive

• may or may not have rules
• a few possible expectations by dominant party
• Typically something done at home or in private with a couple or small group
• often done on casual basis, or spur of the moment
• great for dom/sub personalities just trying to fit it into their day
• power exchanged can still be noticeable to either party, some communication is recommended

3. Subtle Need Anticipation

• no rules
• Dominant has expectations in a range, that server anticipates without need for usual communication
• done privately or publicly
• is often the norm for the server types who do it well
• very good for low key acts of submission
• communication for sake of manners, please/thank you by both parties is recommended for actions, but power exchange is minimal and wont necessarily affect headspace.

The three settings are just broad categorizations of what can go on, and there are definitely exceptions what cross between those categories. for example a high protocol setting where dinner is served by a bottom who is seen and not heard would encompass a combo of 1 and 3.

For the purposes of sharing skills I’m going to talk about general ways to go about things from the bottoms perspective that will mostly cover 2 as you can add or remove stuff from there to fit into any other myriad of categories.

Factors in Service

There are a few major factors to remember when serving someone submissively; anticipation of needs, timing, attention to detail,  and attitude & body language

Anticipation of Needs

When I say anticipation of needs, I mean this on two parts. On one side, you have to keep track of what your dinner guest needs and wants, and you should be able to know somewhat without asking or without being told. For example, if you know your guest well, you should know in advance what time of beverage they want, or what sort of food/drink they want served. If you don’t, you can always ask around, do some research. Now if they want to be surprised this works very well, however you wont always be the one picking out the food or drink, you might be given a menu in advance. The other side of the coin, is that during the service things might come up that they need. Commonly, refills. A glass should never be completely emptied unless the guest specifically indicates they wish not to be refilled. Second helpings are also something to be aware of if the guest is making indication that they are still hungry as the meal is coming to a close, especially if there is no desert course. Of course multi-course meals are great in that you will want to watch your guest getting just to the end of the prior item as you are ready to bring forth the next. Please note that sometimes a pause between courses is also appropriate, use discretion on the occasion. In this active anticipation, you want to be on your toes for if anything going wrong, such as a dropped utensil, or a broken glass. Be taking care of the problem, within seconds and it will be quickly forgotten. And yes, always replace a dropped utensil or clean up a dropped food item. The five second rule doesn't apply unless the guest specifically says it does.

Its also very important to anticipate allergies or other dietary conditions. If your guest is a celiac, the breading on the chicken might be a bad plan. And vegetarians do not want to be served bacon, trust me, I CHECKED.

If the beverage is of high alcohol content you may want to use discretion however in that you are sure the guest knows they are being served refills, or is not being intoxicated past a reasonable point, or will be unable to drive themselves home. I’m expecting anyone taking this advice is a responsible adult, and so to will be the guest. So making sure that the alcohol isn't being over served should be considered safety and even can be part of prior planning discussions with your guest if you are going for a high protocol setting. In this case having a backup beverage for post alcohol can also be a good part of planning

Timing

During service, be aware of timing, so that you can keep the food cooking in time to be ready at time of expected dinner service (or when you know the guest in question is going to be hungry and wanting food). Nobody likes to be kept waiting at a table overlong thinking food should have been served ages ago. In this case, practice makes perfect, so that you know how long it takes to prepare your dishes. If the timing doesn't work out quite right, don’t panic. There's always a reasonable gap in service time, and if you are new to a particular dish things will vary. The trick here is keeping the guest entertained enough that they don't notice or are not affected by the delay. The other note on timing is that you want to time your own meal, should you be eating. Does your guest want to share mealtime with you, or do they want to eat their meal with all your attention on them? If they want to eat together then you have to combine serving them, keeping track of their ongoing needs, and enjoying your own meal. Otherwise you may end up timing a meal in advance of your guests arrival.

Attention to Detail

It is mostly implied, but one must be aware of the details around everything. From the presentation on the plate, to what you wear to suit the occasion, the devil is in the details. I cant get too specific here, because this is up to you. I have some food and beverage service training in my background, so I can serve wine somewhat more in a restaurant style. I can also plate a dish to look a bit more appealing. Google is your best friend here if you are looking to impress. Wine service and food service tips are plenty on the internet. Here are a few that work for me; serve the entree side of the plate facing, learn how to present and serve wine from bottle to glass, know the difference between salad and dinner forks as well as the other basic cutlery, and different glasses for wine or water just to name a few. Appearances are important too in this category. If your guest wants low key, then dont wear a tuxedo or maids uniform. If your guest wants to be romantically wined and dined, then wear the works, just make sure you use an apron when cooking. And of course if your guest wants sultry, well, you get the idea. The final detail to note is entertainment value. If they are chatty and need a visit while you work and serve, by all means converse. But if they would rather sit on the couch and read their book while you are on duty, well then just make sure their pillows are fluffed and the lighting is good.

Attitude & Body Language

This is all about them. The customer is always right. You are here to serve. That sort of thing is something to think about when serving f&b submissively. What you are doing for them is a submissive act, that concentrates on giving and pleasing them. This isnt necessarily the attitude one should put into their entire relationship with said guest, but its something great for concentration in the dining experience. Think of yourself as their own personal chef/server (or just server if they've requested a bucket of fried chicken, because trust me take out can still be served submissively). When going about your duties, different “guests” will have different preferences, but generally if you are going to this trouble they are going to appreciate feeling like the centre of the attention. Above all else BE POLITE. Say please, say thank you, address them with respect in the manner they like best. All those great subby/bottomy mannerisms from role-play or kinky scenes, can often be great when turned into dinnertime body language. The degree varies based entirely on the guest and the server, but there are many things you can do to give this outlook. These are some of the things I do that tend to work well, whether they are consciously noticed or not; I keep my eyes low when addressing or serving the guest, I bow or kneel where possible, such as to present the food to them, (this one can vary based on the tastes of the guest), and I smile a lot. Those few simple things seem to greatly change the nature of how dinner is received and make the guest feel like king or queen of the meal.

 

Following these guidelines and keeping in mind what type of service you are going for can hopefully change a served meal from people having dinner, to an empowering d/s experience. It takes a bit of practice, and it might not work quite as you plan, but you will likely find yourself with a vast skillset that might just be currently overlooked or underdeveloped. Bon appetite.

Remember These Things

This will be the first entry using my awesome new categories. Since I do a little bit of day to day and a little bit of deep thoughts I'm categorizing the general stuff anyone can find thought provoking as different than my own everyday living, or personal reflection stuff.  This is personal life reflection today.

 

I have been lucky with many good friends since I reached adulthood, that have stayed with me for the last 7 years through thick and thin. One particular friend I owe a lot to. She started out a bit of a little sister figure to me, needing advice and friendship. Over time she became a peer and even a great shoulder to lean on when I needed help and advice. Though sometimes thick and sometimes thin our contact might leave us evolving and changing separately or mutually. Lately this friend and I rarely connect or even communicate very often, I cannot remember the last time we had a decent private conversation, but regardless she will always be a person in high esteem to me. Ever had a friend like that, who earned your respect and admiration time and time again that your loyalty is there henceforth? One of the nicest sweetest things she ever did, was write me a little note. After a particularly heartbreaking breakup, I was short on pride and clueless as to what was going wrong with me. I was also at a stage of social ineptness born of being clueless as how to behave in social casual kink circles. She saw this and decided to give me some much needed advice. She wrote it all up on a note that I keep with me to this day, and when I’m having a particularly bad day I read it.

It is double sided, and taped together in the middle with electrical tape as it was two small notes put together. (She’s eclectic that way.);

 

 

Remember These Things

Focus On The Big Picture

Get an overall sense of the situation, details are only good for confusion. If you have an overall formula that works for most things, you won’t have so many problems to solve.

For when you’re socially stressed and don’t know what to do about problems.

KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid)

People love the subtly awesome person. People are truly awesome when they don’t even realize it. Be self sufficient and people will relax around you, and respect you because they wont feel like they need to take care of you. Subtlety is an art form of social situations. It’s like knowing how to do oral, it just makes sex better.

Let other people do the work, you don’t need to entertain everyone. They should entertain you.

Nitty Gritty Stuff

• you want to be satisfied with your self
• the more satisfied with your self you are the less narcissistic you will be
• the less narcissistic you are the more you can exist positively for other people
• the more positive you are in other peoples minds the more satisfied you will be with your self.
• it takes time but just keep gathering bits of confidence

 

I know this might all seem obvious but it’s important to ingrain it in your head like a math equation. So that when you can’t see the forest for the trees you’ll be able to trigger that equation and get out by your self

SO READ THIS EVERY DAY!!!

(ish)

You know, like your mantra or whatever… I think it would help

Love, ______

 

PS I hope this HELPS, It’s what would work well for me.

Keep it up man. I’m proud of you!

The apple don’t fall far…

 

So who else has family members involved in kink? Who else has had, or does have a heck of a time dealing with that fact and communication with the family member in question on that subject? Many have issues with this. I know I did, as someone very dear to me in my vanilla family turned out to be also kinky.

I know many others in this same boat, be it parent, child, sibling, etc. In my case it was a parent, and a matter of realizing they were into the same world I was when I was having trouble accepting myself for it.

Now I’ve heard many variations of this story, but what I understand it’s common for one to have a lot of confusing reactions when faced with the normalcy of being “different”.

I had a dramatic and unusual reaction, denial, and rejection. My parent tried to talk to me about things, as some of my interests were noticeable. I was animated, upset, and above all denied the whole thing. I even made some comments to refer to them as being abnormal and different for what they were implying.

A few years later I finally had the courage to accept myself, and to talk to them about who I was, and accepting who they were.

Since then we have had some amazing conversations about the lifestyle and even talked about important subjects. It is amazing to have that support.

This last weekend they came to visit, and I was able to introduce them to my friends in the community at a dinner. It was actually rather fascinating to see how they interacted with others of multiple age categories in the lifestyle. And in point of fact it was hilarious for me to see that my kinky parent has the same kink-radar I do and picked out who was dom, sub, switch,  or other in the room just by observation. They only had one wrong. Hilarious how life works out.

What are we, in the freak’n mob?

I speak to you today, in a bit of irritation about a concept. That concept is protection, and to a lesser extent mentorship and other specialty relationship types.

A friend of mine recently got the short end of the stick from someone who had pushed to be their protector, and mentor, and trainer, etc. It really bugged me. So I got into a conversation with the lovely and talented Stabbity  about this whole silly situation, and some interesting points were raised.

What is a protector? Well that's a good question, as in kink any relationship title is variable to the person using it. Generally if someone is using the protector status, or protecting, it means they are voluntarily in a position of authority over another person in regards to who they play with, or what sorts of things they can do, and also will back them up if another party violates the comfort zone or safety of the subject party.

Now optimally this sort of arrangement is great, on a temporary basis for a new person who is still figuring out where things are, who people are, and above all else what’s safe. Usually this sort of thing works really well for going to someone's first event, especially around more edgy players or a more protocol based scene. I have met people at their first play party who are wearing a one night only protection collar, and being watched very carefully by the protector, who happens to be a good friend making sure nobody fucks with their bestee.

Now on the other line of reasoning, does someone need ongoing protection from the great big world? Probably not, as when one gains friends in a community and can go to them for advice on who's good or bad to play with, provide safe calls, and even look out for each other. Really those basic things a protector does, are done by any good friend without an official title or authority.  Now forgive me, as this sounds universal and I’m sure there’s a good exemption to this logic somewhere, but doesn’t that all seem like official protection should be more of a temporary or special case by case basis situation?

Heck I had a good friend who put protector on her fetlife status in regards to me just because she wanted people to know plain and simple shed kick them in the teeth if they messed with me. There was no relationship status to it, just a public advertisement of a loyal friend.

And here lies the problem. What happens when someone pressures a newbie into being their protectee, or protectee/student and pushes them that their way is the only way, or just uses them as a pawn in their social agenda? Sounds a lot more like a mob movie to me, where the shopkeepers are asked to give “protection” money, and then later get used for laundering. Its an odd parallel but it works.

 

Here’s an idea that Stabbity suggested to me, and I built on; people that engage in mentor/trainer/protector relationship types with others and are of opposite power exchange alignments should not be playing together. Playing or personal d/s or sexual relationships should not also be combined with those neutral relationship types. You combine fun power dynamics in with a neutral help position that may run some authority, and that neutral help dynamic just becomes a power dynamic, and a big game that could leave someone hurt.

There are exceptions, such as a teacher for a specific topic using a lesson type play, such as workshop environments, or a nonsexual pony play trainer, etc. That however would be likely a casual environment and not a formal relationship with this teacher person. That teacher person might actually be your lover and you are just taking part in the workshop. So yeah, this isn't universally ironclad logic because there are always loopholes, but more a bit of common sense analysis of it all.

Without a bit of common sense, and consideration a special status like “protector” gets turned into a relationship type soon overblown, and overpowered, leaving one or both parties hurt or upset and it just isn’t right. I wish more people in this oh so enlightened bdsm world used a bit more common sense. And If you think you are an expert, and need to impart your wisdom, perspective, and mightiness on a vulnerable newbie, don’t take yourself so damned seriously that you forget about the person you actually intend to help, and spook them away from kink altogether. A bit of perspective folks, it’s not hard.

The Nature of Service

You may not tie me up. You may not beat me down. You may not give commands, just important and firm instructions. You are assertive, without needing to be aggressive. You are directive and affectionate.You are soft when you can be and hard when you can’t.

You may not wear catsuits, or corsets everywhere. You even get sick, and sad, and can cry, and show your vulnerability.

You are a real person, a unique person, with your own thoughts ideas and fantasies.

At the end of the day, when you come in with sore feet after working a real job and i get down and rub then for hours on end; I am serving. When I cook and serve you dinner and you smile and savour it; I am yours. When you have had a bad day and need to talk about your feelings; I am fulfilled to listen. I am at your service, and I am fulfilled to be with you. More-so than any of those other things could ever inspire. Be who you are, and no one else.

Sharing a Hobby

I have been slow to blog lately and it might be a bit of a thing for a while that I only post once in a while. I’m quite thrilled though, in that I am writing a lot… just in a very vanilla setting. I have joined my lovely partner in her text based roleplaying storyscape. It takes up a lot of my writing energy and has been a lot of fun.

On that note I’ve come to realize that its an interesting motivation that got me involved though. It often sneaks up on me how much I want to please her that I can get myself geared up to doing something I would otherwise likely never take an interest in (I’m even eating vegetables, and not the tasty kind, on an irregular basis when she's about). It turned out to be fun and somewhat interesting, but it’s all the more giddy making knowing everything I contribute to will please her. Now for a not officially dominant person, she seems to inspire this in me a lot, and appreciates my enthusiasm all the same. It’s rather lovely.

The funny thing is, it never occurred to me but I think I’ve done that with other hobbies and activities and plans for her, and other partners before without ever really thinking about it. Submission mixed with romance and active hobbyism, its an intriguing formula. Food for thought.

 

Yes I know some of those words are made up. That's just how I roll.

inspired submission

Lately I have been in a very unique situation. My new partner is not particularly “kinky” in the traditional sense. She has a dominant side but it isn’t “dominant” as a general rule. This vanilla relationship thing has given me a lot of chances to get to understand the subtly of human psychology for d/s style chemistry without d/s labels. I find myself doing submissive things and responding to dominant behaviours randomly, in cuddling, in talking etc, but we aren’t consciously identifying it that way. It gives me new appreciation for the value of that core trust and vulnerability it takes to expose one another to trust and power exchange.

We are in fact all human. and I do believe that dominance, submission, sadomasochism etc, are just explorations of traits inherent to human beings. In that, to some degree or another we inspire power between ourselves. Those of us who are actively “kinky” really play with it of course. I’m finding myself though, inspired to my inner sense of submission by the actions of my sweetheart, and she in turn responds with a dominant care. It’s really quite lovely and brings me a lot of appreciation for human nature.

the summer of DOOOM

Has anyone else felt it in the air the last month or so? Something just doesn’t tune in right. People have been surlier, tempers higher, stress mounting, and BREAKUPS EVERYWHERE. It seems like almost everyone I know has ended up breaking up. It seems like in a few short weeks all the folks I knew that were in more trepedatious or shorter run of relationships were breaking up. From the one month-ers to the one year-ers it seemed like everyone was kaput. It made me very sad. Two of my favourite people, who were about to get married, suddenly called things off. Although not all of it is final ends. It sounds as though they are trying to make it work out.

 

And in my realm of things, I've found things aren't irreversibly bad either. My dear new ladylove has been helping me deal with my stresses and at the same time tapping into a dominant side indirectly. She's found my “obedience button”. A way to say to do something, like “calm down” and it happens. It’s quite lovely. I’m trying to work up the nerve to see if she might want to try doing it just for fun.

Dealing with drop

 

Ever had a drop? Subdrop domdrop topdrop etc, whathaveyou? It’s different for everybody. For me the biggest thing I notice is manic moods. I’ll be relaxed and happy for a bit, and then suddenly the world is terribly scary.

Today I popped a few special brownies to up my level of mellow and that helped a lot, but the biggest thing… the biggest thing, was having my new gal to call and share comfort with. She was there last night when i was electrified, and bondaged up and provided comfort and helped aftercare. It was the biggest thing for me to recover and I adore her for that. My bit of chaos in flesh she is a great woman. And two or three times today she has told me “the world is safe, you’re safe” and possibly “the only thing to fear is zombies.”

 

Do you get afraid? Do you get paranoid? Do you feel the world around you crushing in? What do you do to deal with it?

I suppose the important thing to look at it is, dealing with it being a priority. When we drop its our body and mind recovering, rebalancing, the whole sha’bang as it were. But that leaves some psych effects that one should monitor and be careful. I made it a habit a long time ago to start telling people I get playing with in advance about the drop risks and asking to make sure I will have someone I can talk to. If I don’t then I try not to engage in any heavy sorts of play unless I know I have a relatively stress free week to walk through my own drop on.

Planning ahead is a big part of safety.

spice it up with vanilla

 

Have you ever had a vanilla relationship? Have you done it as a kinky person? Because I have not, not since I learned what I need as far as a submissive. Yet here I stand before you, in the early days of a vanilla relationship, with a vanilla gal.

On that note, lets look at the term. vanilla is relative in my mind. Is there a specific line of not kinky enough to be absolutely vanilla? Or is it someone who is comparably less into kink stuff than the average lifestyler. Just as someone being “kinky” is pretty relative depending on who's asking.

So in the last few months I’ve gotten to know a young woman who comes to the local munch's. She’s funny, artistic, and very intelligent in conversation. She has one little quirk though. She identifies as “vanilla”. I call her a rebel for it, and adore it in her. She’s as kinky as many out there in the way she thinks and has little dominant style personality traits, but she doesn’t like to identify with labels like that. I have a lot of respect for that.

 

Furthermore, we’re exploring a relationship based on contemporary structure, the old girlfriend boyfriend scenario. It’s odd and refreshing for me. I haven’t had a contemporary relationship in a long time. It’s so nice to just concentrate on the get to know you and not be looking at things like dominant and submissive needs. I mean yeah, there are little quirks to it, and those needs do sorta show themselves. But me being me, I’m letting her set the pace and its just the basics for now. I rather love it. How will it go? Only time will tell.

Work on the solution, not the problem

 

This isn’t a particularly kink related subject, but I think its something a lot of sub’s I know can identify with.

Right now I am stressed. Not as stressed as yesterday or the day before, but still stressed enough that it has me rather distracted. I had some irritating stuff happen at my work the other day. stuff that effected business and required going to the big manager, as my supervisor is on vacation. It got fixed, taken care of, etc. But here i was still worried that when i go back into work tommorow my supervisor is going to be irritated with me for how it was handed. Everyone is touchy and it typically boils down to office politics whenever anything bad happens. Because im a bit too empathetic ive anticipated everyone being grouchy and for some reason it got to me. combine that with lack of sleep and i found myself obsessing over it.

When I woke up this morning I realized my touchy stomach and nervous demeanour is caused by the stress itself, and worrying about the stress in and of itself. The more worried about the situation I got the more stressed I became, because the elements are out of my control. Sometimes I have trouble accepting the world around me as being elements out of my control that once influenced one way I can no longer influence. But the more stressed I became about that, the more worried i felt, and I began to notice “oh no I’m stressed that's bad” and it became stress for the sake of stress.

I realized today, after a full nights sleep a bit of processing i am not quite so stressed about things. But as I got wondering if i’m diong okay, if things are resolved, I started worrying about worrying, stressing about stress, again. The issue itself isn’t quite such an issue. It’s a matter of the overthinking. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own brains that we forget to live, to breath to relax.

There are more important things in life than just stressing out, and I need to relax and realize that. It’s going to be okay

Heck this situation that started the whole thing is relatively minor, and I’ve been in way more stressful situations than this. Overall i had a pretty terrific weekend too. I think I’m pretty lucky to have the friends I do and the ways to savour life that I get.

So now Im just focusing on the solution, relaxation, zen, accepting the universe is something I cannot monumentally change and that I just need to live within it.

D/s and spiritual conflict

Warning todays blog has to do with controversial topics. You might already have definitive thoughts on this issue and I mean no offense to anyone.

I am a spiritualist. I have faith. You might even say I’m a Christian… (Did he just say that? Maybe he’s crazy? Wait, is he going to quote scripture, this is creepy. Let’s leave). No, not that type of Christian, I am not a dogmatist. I just happened to be raised catholic so that was my first faith to understand, since then I’ve experienced many other outlooks and just consider myself someone of faith and spirituality.

 

Why bring this up? Because I think there aren't enough people in the bdsm community or alternative sexuality community willing to say “I believe in something greater.” Or admit to spiritual beliefs/philosophy's at all. More pressing, it seems like it’s discouraged to do so. Being alternative in nature seems to imply within and without the community that we will be either atheist, or very agnostic. The exception to this rule is that in some sectors of the bdsm community energy play and manipulation, allowing for a belief and connection to cosmic energy seems to be accepted.

 

My biggest point today is this. If you have beliefs, of a spiritual nature, you have every right to them. You should be who you are, body mind and soul.   Take that with you, in your relationships, and even in your dungeon ethics. It is okay to be who you are and to believe in God/Allah/The great potato/Zues/Gaia/etc however you like. Its an inherent human right and I dont think human rights ever stop in the dungeon. If they do… thats a whole different rant.

 

That being said I also encourage you to find a way to accommodate your sexuality with your spirituality, and not in a repressive way. If you have an open mind and are focused on positivity you can find an accommodation for kink and sexuality in pretty much every spiritual philosophy sphere.

 

The reason I was inspired to this topic? Recently I had to make a spiritual ethical choice, and am glad I had the strength of will to do it.

Story time:

Because I like meeting new people, and am on the hunt for Mistress/Master right, I interact with folks on kink sites, make new friends etc. Well I had been talking to this lovely female dominant and she happened to mention she uses this certain online program, a forum-group for female dominants and male submissives. She told me I was a total fit for it, and should check it out. So I did and it was total hard-core femdom D/s protocol philosophy. I have seen that before and know it isn’t something I can identify with as a constant 24/7 thing, but it can be fun for certain people, or even to slip into that sort of mindset for fantasy. (Keep in mind that fantasy kink play so far from the real world that it can make other kinksters uncomfortable can only go so far, and is only good in certain settings).

At this point I knew, that any explorations down that particular rabbit hole would only be good for fun, or for better understanding of playing in higher protocol situations/relationships. I love to learn though, and to understand, and to add to my skillset as a submissive, so I took a gamble and joined their “program” at her recommendation. It was pretty cool too, exchanging ideas, being very protocoled, being talked to in a way to keep me in “my place.” It was a fun headspace at first. And then something happened, they (there are a lot of people involved in and running this operation so I’ll say they) gave me some new rules. One of the new rules was a daily ritual. I was required to squat, or fall to my knees, and masturbate for 15 minutes while exercising my tongue and chanting this somewhat degrading oath. The oath was about me being low and unworthy, and serving superior women. It was a pretty degradation heavy act, that glorified the female doms to a point of excess. To top it off, this exercise was called “Worship”.

Well I did it because I was in my “I want to please” mindset. It wasnt a very good feeling I felt afterwards. In fact it felt a little like revulsion. I felt a bit disgusted with myself. This was not because I was some hypothetically unworthy male, but because I had performed an act in the name of kink that was ritualistic to the point it actually imitated worship of a divine power. I sat and thought about the philosophies this protocol system and program preached and realized it came pretty close to making the dominants into god-like figures. They were pretty darned serious about it too. To these women it seemed like any other way of doing d/s was wrong. That’s when It hit me, they are calling it worship for that very reason.

Now I have nothing against playing at the goddess/god thing that some people get into. I mean heck, The pharaohs in Egypt were pretty big into that. It just does not turn my crank, and if taken seriously it offends my spiritual philosophies.  The fact that in this case, it was snuck up on me, seemed non-consensual and gave me the feeling of a cult-like trap.

I did something I don’t do very often regarding kink issues, and I sat and prayed for guidance. I then did a bit of meditation, channelling good energy, feeling better about myself and the universe around me.

I decided I was going to politely resign from their little program, but not in a hostile way. Instead, for the hope of their future considerations for people I would share what i felt and why I was going to walk away from these new friends. I wrote them an email (copy at bottom).

I have nothing against these individual people, just how they went about sharing their philosophy. I hope that my feedback will curve future issues like this for them too. I have a few issues aside from this one with how they go about things and taking themselves too seriously, but that's a rant for another day, or another blog. My friend Stabbity covered people pushing their fantasies a bit too seriously quite well with this little number http://www.notjustbitchy.com/?p=102 .

Be true to yourself. If something leads you to feel like you cant look yourself in the eye without feeling spiritually wrong, then either the actions or your spiritual outlook needs to be examined (maybe both). Kink and sexual growth will lead us down many roads. There will be lots of neat things to try and explore. But remember, it’s okay to have limits and walk away from things that arent cool with us. Spiritual comfort zones are just as valid as physical/emotional ones.  In this case I was strong enough to remember my own limits, and beliefs, and do what is right for me by turning them down.

It’s my hope that if you run into a spiritual conflict, you too will be able to do what is right for you.

 

 

 

The following is an edited version of the letter, identities and names removed for anonymity.

“ Dear People in charge of the FEMDOMWEBSITE ;

I thank you for the time you have put into me, and the knowledge I have been getting out of the program, and it is with sadness that I must resign from it. I do not make this decision lightly, and feel I owe you the respect of an explanation.

The theme keeps coming up at which the philosophy of the FEMDOMWEBSITE puts dominant females at a level comparative to the divine, and that has given me cause to severe discomfort. It is entirely natural for me to view dominants as above me, superior, and submit myself to their guidance and care, but to place that superiority on par with God/Divinity has left me steadily more and more uncomfortable. I am a very spiritual boy, and that's a big core of who I am. After finishing the Starter assignment I was left with a feeling of unease, that the "worship" felt far too much like actual spiritual worship with an added sexuality to it.

It has made me very uneasy as I can give my Mistress my body, and the love of my heart, but my soul is for She/He/It of the divine (God/Allah/the great spirit etc).

Because of how far this has pushed my spiritual comfort zone I have spent some time on prayer/meditation. I feel that perhaps it is just me personally, in the amount of energy I put into my spiritual self, that I cannot remove it from the actions and interpretations of the philosophy here. Perhaps other boys are better able to separate those portions of self.

Having examined my options though, I feel it is my best interest to resign from the FEMDOMWEBSITE as of today. If I cannot be comfortable spiritually with what I do in this form of submission, then it is not for me.

I bare you all no Ill will though, and respect you greatly for what you are doing. I thank you for the time you spent on me, and hope you all find the boys that you are looking for, to serve you with devotion and obedience, in full comfort.”

Simple mistakes… and monumental fuckups

So last weekend a good friend of mine and I made some special cookies. We made some very good special cookies. It was a very fun evening leading to some zany antics. Being stoned will often energize me, and I needed to set my sleep cycle forward because this week I'm working some evening shifts and then 3 graveyard shifts. Being stoned will also drop my inhibitions and without them, my submissive side flares to life big time. When I say that I shouldn't be incredibly stoned unsupervised, I’m only half joking.

Right now I'm between the evening shift and the graveyard shift so I thought it would be a good time to write. I've had several hours to kill since work got out at 11pm, and about 16 hours until my next shift at 11pm today.

So anyway, the next day, mid afternoon, I’m awake and exploring the world…. while still very much high. At this point I fall into the interest of one of my favourite personals sites, collar-me. It is a favourite because there are hilarious strange and delirious kinky folks on there, as well as a few rare fascinating people I occasionally befriend (including the my dear former Mistress, referred to in previous posts often as my Dragoness).

Whilst strolling through collar-me I came across the profile of a very interesting dominant lady who happened to be online that very moment. She was in California but looking for online connections to submissives. The profile was shiny and red with big scary black letters. She talked about how she is seeking to find someone to control, and enjoy and be served by monumentally. She listed several great d/s techniques she enjoyed, that I can personally attest to being fun and amusing in my previous experiences. And in the profile she says just to contact her on yahoo. In my herbalistic state everything was beautiful, and this woman sounded like a fascinating human being, and even a bit evil (which I’m very attracted to when uninhibited).

So as I lacked any foresight or ability to see it going badly, I contacted her. She was very nice and to the point. I had said I found her profile fascinating, or some sort of honest flattery. She had replied matter-of-factly with no surprise. I didn’t really even get a chance to offer friendship before she began taking a dominant tone, seeing me as a potential suitor. For the record, this was not her fault, as in my state I was as bubbly and subby as ever and probably came off like someone desperate for domination. And as I was giddy and subby, I was more than pleased when she took a tone of “this is how its going to be” asking me to do something for her, and questions, to test whether she would take me on as her online subby. Well at this point it sounded like so much fun, and oh boy i love having a dominant. It was like finding out i get to go to Disneyland and not actually leave my living room. So I totally subscribed to her favourite website for 20 bucks, and i totally ended up reading this laundry list of rules she likes her subs to follow (all 20+ of them). It was all very exciting, and dramatic, and a little protocoled as I was made to call her Queen. For the remaining 4 hours or so before I sobered up wow what a wonderful time it was.

Then I sobered up and realized… yeah, I’m pretty sure I just walked into a very casual online d/s dynamic with a stranger. And the sense of logic came back. I don’t know this woman. I have no intent to be in a d/s relationship without any other substance to it. And I spent money to impress her? WOW talk about dumb of me. And then I realized worst of all; unintentionally or not, I misled this woman. Whatever her motives in having a harem of online submissive men, she believed I was happily committing to her flock, and It’s very clear that an apology is necessary. It was definitely not her fault that i get both very friendly and very submissive when stoned, and impulsively decided to say hi.

Do you ever have one of those sober up moments that comes with a few quick life lessons? Because that was a big one for me.

So we live and we learn. I now know for the future: Never get stoned and contact strangers on the internet from personals sites. Never pull out my credit card to do a favour for someone while very high. I also have been reminded that my inhibition around just being openly subby is there for a reason. I’m proud to be a submissive person, but its awfully dangerous to let my guard down and just be vulnerable to the universe. Its a gift to be reserved for a select few, and not to be tossed around. Like many good things, it can be dangerous in abundance.  So though this idiotic little anecdote is embarrassing, it serves as a lesson for me. And hopefully it serves as a lesson for my single sub friends out there too.

leash express 2.0

 

 

Today marks a new thing for me. I'm expanding. I only have a handful of readers and a few people I know like wordpress, a few others like blogspot. At first I was told blogspot is the way to go, so I created my blogspot blog and got bloggering away. Following this I saw the appeal of wordpress as well. As a result I'm DOUBLEFISTING MY BLOG. That's right, now you can get kadri's unleashed expression at two locations. The original http://leashexpress.blogspot.com , and the new and shiny http://leashexpress.wordpress.com.

At this juncture I'm going to use them both, and it's going to be fun and full of words accessible to all (and still as easy to get at with googlereader).

Kinky and Queer

 

Tonight the good folks of Sagacity are hosting their usual Esoteric Exchange and the topic is kinky and queer. It got me to thinking and I decided i would write a post on the subject.

I am queer. I consider myself queer for multiple reasons. The foremost of which, is I’m kinky. Being a submissive masochist slave pet etc. … it means to me being different enough in my sexuality from the average mainstream of western society that I can qualify as queer.

I am also pansexual, in my gender sexual orientation. That's a secondary though, as I consider submissive to be half the equation of my sexual orientation. Its a sort of caveat in that I am attracted to all genders, but not all levels of personality. Specifically I am attracted to and sexually interact with people who have some level of dominance to them, and an appealing personality to them.

That being said, being kinky, or being queer in the traditional sense, are both things that are not easy. Generally because of stigmas and stereotypes of what’s acceptable for sexuality. Having an alternative sexual orientation of any kind usually involves being in one closet or another. The closet sucks. There are people in my closer circles of friends or trusted family that know I'm a “little kinky” but not that I'm pansexual, nor that I’m submissive, and explaining more than they know will somehow hurt their opinion of me or our relationship and that is ridiculous.

My big brother for instance, he is a sweet guy. I love him to bits. But he's a homophobic bigot of idiotic renown and sometimes I’ve wanted to out myself to him just in rebellious irritation. I know that if one day I bring a man home I’m going to really risk my relationship with him though, and so, despite my wondering if he suspects I'm not straight, I let him go on assuming I'm entirely straight. It doesn’t bother me that much, as I generally date women, but I wonder if in fact it’s relationships like this that keep me from taking more effort into getting involved with men more often. On the same token, if I tell him that in my relationships with these “kinky girls” I’m actually the one on the receiving end of things, he would not be so keen to ask me about my last “girlfriend” and in fact be a bit more judgemental.

Frankly I am so sick of this alpha male behaviour box that we beta males get pushed to need to fit into, and more so with the homophobia push still alive and well. I’ll never be that straight alpha male dominant personality, and the moment I realized all that my life got to be a hell of a happier place. I just really wish that all the people close to me that are neither queer nor kinky could accept me for exactly who I am, or at least an intelligible wavelength of it.

That set of stereotype boxes continues in that… people often accept me as being kinky, only once they understand I'm pansexual. I’ve had friends who change their attitudes on my outing myself as kinky, when I then out myself as not heterosexual. they seemed so much more comforted by the fact that I’m not a straight kinky person, because they like the traditional queer culture and community. How does not being straight make it more acceptable to be kinky in peoples minds? I don’t know the answer to this, and it worries me that so many in society can only embrace all of me. The worst part about this stereotype is that I need to use it as a defence mechanism at times. I need to be in the closet as far as kink goes, in regards to my career. I am very out as pansexual however as I work in a lgbt embracing hospitality industry. If I somehow let slip too much about my personal life in a moment of ill judgement, around a judgemental vanilla peer, I’ve caught myself shifting the conversation to queer community subjects and playing it off as part and parcel. It makes me a little ashamed when i think about it, but i suppose that's the danger of the closet in any form. It alienates one from themself to a degree.

Labels are for cans, not people. It shouldn’t matter if I'm heterosexual, homosexual, pansexual, bisexual or any sort of sexual, but our society puts so much into it. Just like the kink society puts so much pressure on your label of “slave versus sub” or dominant versus master” or any other sort of label making machine. We should be people first, regardless of our personal life and orientation, and accepted without fear of prejudice. But that’s a dream for another day i suppose.

On the upshot I want to talk about how cool my parents are. My dad is kinky, so he gets it completely and I have had some very nice conversations about the lifestyle with him. It’s really terrific. My mom is vanilla and very straight and has so much trouble adapting to change it makes me worry for her when plot twists happen in films. But bless her heart she's open minded. In the same month i came out to her as kinky and my sister as bisexual. I think she grew half a head of grey hair, just wrapping her head around it, but she accepted and embraced us for being different. The only reason I haven't told her I’m pansexual is fear of messing with her head more without need. I decided a while ago i’d wait till I had a male partner ongoing before I told mom, just so she’d have something tangible to connect with, rather than the concept.

I also want to say for a moment how nice it is that I have both female and male play partners, lovers, dominants, etc to choose from. Being pansexual is a real bonus in kink for widening the field over time. despite all the weird pitfalls of the closet and society on both concepts of kinky and queer, I’d like to think I'm pretty lucky to be exactly who I am. Aren’t you?

wedding bells

 

I’m getting a really nice vacation back in the interior, in a city that was my home for a long time. Today I was lucky to visit with my old play partner and her fiancé (and subby). These two women are a hoot, a bucket of fun and always a pleasant conversation and good time.

Dysmorphia, and her girl came out and enjoyed a dinner with my family (where I’m staying) and we had a really nice visit and meal. I’ve been friends with Dys for a long time and shes been out to my families home for big parties etc before. In fact my mother and grandmother are particularly fond of them. It was rather nice all in all. Afterwards the three of us went out for a visit with mutual friends and then a movie. We saw bridesmaids, in honour of their coming nuptials. Afterwards on their porch we talked about life, and their relationship and mine, and I walked away feeling awed. These two have it together.

Later this summer they will be getting married, and I’m lucky enough to be a brides’man (or groomsman or whatever you want to say in this case) for dys’s girl. It’s something Im very excited for.

The roundabout point of all this, is sometimes, young kinky people find love, and it works. Its bittersweet, and full of fights, and agonies and dramas, but somehow if people work, it somehow comes together. I was so concerned a year ago, as I would talk to them midway through a fight, or a near breakup, or a very emotional drama, and I would wonder how they could last. Sure enough though the next day or week they would be just fine. They would talk out their differences and move forward. Sure they aren't 24/7 d/s, and sure they aren't your typical couple either. But they have found a balance that works for them. Dys leads most of the time, but her girl will speak her mind and they sort shit out, as it happens, in real time. I realized as time went on its just an incredibly passionate relationship and thus will have sparks even in conflict. It’s beautiful really, and leaves me hope for myself and all of us

innocent

 

Am I crazy in that I don’t think innocent is equal to naivety? I have always thought of innocent as sweet, caring, and lacking in ill intent. I mean there are different degrees of it, as a newborn will have a unique brand of innocence, but so too can a senior rocking on the porch, or a civilian caught by combat.

I know what people mean when they speak of sex in terms of innocence, generally a lack of sexual understanding, passion or carnal knowledge. I would say someone who doesn’t understand physical and psychological romance to be naive, but that doesn’t make them innocent.

And thusly someone passionate and sexually active, I have found, can still be the picture of innocence, depending on the person. I have met so many wonderful people in my lifestyle that I could refer to as such. There is a sweet lovely switch (mostly dom) woman I played with back in the interior, and I would have to say she has an innocence to her. I would hardly say she lacks skill, passion or knowledge of the human body's breaking points, but she is of the utmost good intent and kindness (especially to her playmates).

I see it especially in other submissive’s. Sweet caring and innocent, wanting only for their master or mistress’s pleasure and joy. There are many selfish and not so innocent subs too, but that's besides the point.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I would really like it if we as a culture, especially we in the bdsm lifestyle, stopped using the concept of innocent as a bad thing.

my two cents.  

Obedient Freedom –by kadri

On bent knees obedient
Your passion commands my will
My chains are Freedom

big play weekend

I am starting to feel a lot of relaxation in life lately. I’ve become easiergoing with the world, and am taking a fucktonne of vitamin B just to keep the stress from bouncing back at me again. Work has gone mostly better, less demands on me, (knock on wood). I’ve settled into my new apartment. Though I keep worryign its not neat enough to take a different pictures.

 

I’m also excited about kink for the first time in a while. This weekend I’ll be playing with a friend I paly with now and then, as she’s learning more and more dominant skills and doing a great job of it. And I’m also tentatively meeting up with a potential regular play partner for a first time trial. It’s going to be very exciting. Also a local pro domme of some talent has taken an interest in me, which was a real surprise. I can’t afford to pay for play but she wants to play with me, so we are looking at finding a way for her to do that, and not damage her professional rep by giving out freebies. I might be doing some little services for her to even the score.

This leads me to a new point. Pay for play. Does it feel the same?

I have the utmost respect for professional dominants, in that they provide an essential therapeutic service to many submissives or masochists in need. If I went long enough without a playmate or actual play of any sort I would likely save up and take that opportunity myself. Is it worth it though? Is it the same feeling. For me my submission is all about giving my vulnerability to my dominant, and knowing they are getting more (if not as much) out of taking power over me than I am in surrendering it. The concept of paying gives me an apprehension in that suddenly it would feel like a purchase, not a surrender. Suddenly I'm paying for my fantasies to be delivered, for the illusion of dominance where in actuality its something I'm selecting off of a menu with no real assurance its a valuable submission to that dominant. Does she/he have that power or are they a contractor providing business? Its a grey area that makes me uncomfortable. I know a few people who are or have been professional and they have had excellent experiences. Perhaps I should ask them their thoughts on it. It never really seemed like something I'd need to think about until now. How important is that sense of actual surrender I wonder. If it’s a bought feeling is it as good?

freedom’s just another word

 

Good day friends and followers. I have the urge to write. I’m not quite sure what to write about. I have recently met a very interesting young lady so perhaps i’ll write about that.

Now a friend is trying to set me up, which on one hand is great, but on another, very troubling.

My feelings for my Dragoness are very strong still, though we are no longer together, and though she has dropped to even less contact than She had with me before we parted. I still miss her, dearly, sweetly. On the other hand a boy has needs.

This nice young Lady is a newby to the scene, but a sweet sweet woman with a dominant streak a mile wide. Shes a big geek and our first visit was sitting and watching Dr Who. Top notch fun all around. I think at bare minimum I’ve made a great new friend. If all goes right maybe more.

 

Am I a fool in that part of me hopes my big scary dragon will sneak out of nowhere and come back to me to sweep me off my feet? I think I am.

inspiration

I moved last weekend. It wore me out for the week. It's been a lot of stress, moving and dealing with the breakup adaptation. But I feel like my brain is finally starting to work again. So big plus there.
Now if I could stop taking the things everyone says personally.

I know it's silly, but I have been weird the last few weeks in that I take everyone's statements or frustrations as a personal hurt. I blame myself for a lot at random. I think its misplaced guilt.

On the bright side I have an amazing new apartment. Complete with amazing new stove. WEEEEE.

An old letter day

http://tumblingkadri.tumblr.com/post/5790208698/an-old-letter-day

It was a letter. It slipped out of a box, I forgot all about. When I read it today, it all came back.

You gave it to me with a gift in May, 09.. A collar. A collar of my very own, not denoting anyone else, just me, for play or peace. Every submissive or slave should have a collar, owned or no, you told me after I read the letter. I hugged you, and cried, and thanked you. You must have felt so special in and of yourself. So full of yourself you were. The grand high Mistress of your own fiction, and I believed all of it. Every line you fed me I took in. And this letter just made it seem even more real. There are some truths in it, some truths I hold dearly. The lies I hold in contempt, you heartless coward.  

Truths wrapping lies in this letter, this filthy beautiful letter. I loved you, as someone who could be a friend for life. I loved you as a lover. And I hate that I still love you, just a little, when I read these truths mixed with lies. 

Kadri

I give this to you as a friend, a reminder that no matter where you end up or who you end up with, the choice to give up control should always be in your hands.

Know that I'll always support you and help you to be safe... though not so safe that you don't have any fun...

It belongs to you... that control, and now no one can take it away from you without you giving it up first.

Your Friend

YOU

Did you really mean it? Or was it a game for you already, manipulations wrapped in philosophy. A pretty smile, a stern guiding hand, and a cold black heart. Maybe one day I'll forgive you, and maybe then your wounds wont hurt so much. 

*Names changed to protect the innocent and the guilty*

Life goes on

 

So I suppose I should mark it in here, the log of my journey that life has taken a dramatic change. After months of communication woes, and consultation with my friends, I realized last week that my relationship with my Dragoness was still taking leaps of one step forward one step back and I was finding myself emotionally distraught whenever she was absent. Even with the valiant efforts she’s taken recently, implementing rules and trying to add more D/s to our relationship itself, it just wasn’t enough.

I’m not sure if this makes full sense, that I called it off. It’s fairly clear I love her like a fat kid loves cake. Seeing her smile lights up my world. She knows it, and I know it. But she saw it coming and was more worried about my feelings. Really, it was a kindness, in that she talked me through the breakup, once I got out that the distance doesn’t work for me with the way we communicate, and then began to cry. She showed me the care and heart that brought us together in the first place, making sure I was okay, and that we would stay close and asking again and again if I would be alright. It sure felt like I was being let down easy, not being the one initiating a breakup. She's a sweet beautiful woman, and If one day we find ourselves together again, in an in person situation, I’ll be quite glad to try again. Until then we will stay close.

 

It’s going to be hard, but I will continue on with my life. All weekend I’ve felt pained to know I’m alone. But I still keep trying to keep myself going. I see the new day start and realize there will be good in it. It’s not the first relationship that I’ve had to end, and it wont be the last. Time marches on.

the jerk

 

 

Ever get the feeling that no matter what you do youre going to be fucking up somehow. Either you aren’t getting what you need out of a situation, or youre screwing someone over. I’ve felt like that all week.

 

I need some rum.

 

http://tumblingkadri.tumblr.com/post/5440510118/jerkery

it rules

Okay, the best thing happened today;

Just as im feeling a little unloved today, randomly the Dragoness messages me and tells me I have a new standing order set! The new rule is each day I am to send her a reminder before i go to bed of taking daily pills, what tommorows weather is, and to do her wow daily. I feel so useful all of a sudden.
Totally begging for more rules

It went awesomely well

more update to come, but just to tell all. Great begining of the week, and I got tied up.

crazy weekend

So here I sit on a BC ferry on my road to see family for easter and change out my snowtires for regular ones. (I know how manly and mechanical... but its okay someones helping me otherwise I'd be helpless on that one). It's going to be a rush trip as its already 530pm, disembark in an hour, and 3 hour drive into interior BC to see my family. Back on monday.

 Heres the really interesting news. I'll finally get to see my Dragoness again. I'm going to pick her up on Monday and take her with me to Victoria for a few days. Its going to be so great to see her and be with her again and do stuff for her and have terrible things done to me. We can do pony play stuff, and rope, and play video games and watch movies and cuddle. I can make her favourite foods, and come home from work to snuggle up to her. Just for a few days it'll be magical. I feel like christmas is coming.

 Except heres the thing, its like christmas as a kid in that theres always that chance of a lump of coal. Seeing each other for a few days again is going to be a big litmus test for us. After a few months of regular tension and touch and go and me panicking, i'm very afraid its not going to be amazing anymore and now I have to find out. So I'm filled with excitement, and a litttttttle bit of panick. It's probably not going to turn out bad. I'm likely overthinking everything. I'm going to think positive and work the good karma. Yeah, i'm crazy, thats just how I roll.

I'm Kadri... and i'm on a boat. Happy Easter.

day in day out

I feel like i'm in a rut, and part of that leaves me feeling cranky. I think i've gotten so used to being worried about my relationship that I've become whiny about the good things coming my way. This week Dragoness texted with me off and on throughout the week. No monumental conversations, just a bit of chattyness, and it was nice. But after the initial few days came on, I got worried, was she going to just stop talking to me for days again? She didnt, she kept working at it, give and take just as I messaged her. And then I started getting greedy about the quality of the conversations, and getting impatient for all sorts of quality time spent. I had to correct my own thought process several times not to be so damned selfish. I know they are my own thoughts and im allowed to have selfish thoughts, but still it just doesnt feel right to figure out i'm randomly being greedy about my Ladys time. Im really consciously thankful for the efforts she is putting in, and for the time spent. So a few of the conversations are "talk at" me conversations, ive rambled like a madman with her listening intently many days too i'm sure.

Perhaps those rounds of trouble weeks without communication shook my faith in her, and now im more troubled than I should be even during good times. So I'm trying to optomistically look at every exchange and remember the benefit of the doubt. I'm also looking forward to the next time I see her. Mistress says shes going to come see me during a week sometime soon. She hasnt gotten it figured out yet. I just know the lack of seeing her is really quite awful on me. Likely that strain is making it worse. End of the day I miss her touch, her voice, and being able to look up at her from my knees. I think things will be a lot better once I get to see her.

nervous

On friday about an hour after my last posting... I recieved a random phonecall from Dragoness. I was so happy to hear from her, but immediatly went vulnerable. I lost  my sense of filter and when she noted tension in my voice she asked what was up. I told her i'd like to hear from her more, it came out in a disorganized jumble and she seemed confused. I'm sure I came out clingy and rediculous and didnt get my point across. It was a nice conversation right until then.
However, right afterwards she got chatting with me via text, and i said just that, that it was jumbled thoughts and i was sorry for sounding so rediculous. She asked me to send her an email with organized thoughts. I think she knows I was upset and generally about why as the last few days shes done a really good job of texting me every day. I'm afraid that she'll be angry when she reads the email though. I know it sounds silly but the same things I think are reasonable relationship needs might somehow be selfish.  I'm glad I stated my needs though. Its important for things to survive.
I'm very tired right now and had a fun scene with friends today, so I'm not sure i'm making much sense. Dear readers thank you for reading.

foot in mouth

I just made a bafoon of myself. I really wish I could think clearly before I speak. All week I've been getting worried, and then grumpy, at my Lady disapearing again. She suddenly went monday tuesday wednesday and most of thursday without a word. I sent a text each day but felt increasingly pushed away each day I didnt hear from her. By Thursday I was just plain annoyed. It was worrysome and grumpymaking. I felt like she was distinctly ignoring me. It hurt.
But last night she texted me a bit. And we got talking then.
Then tonight she called me before she went to work, and I'm in an off mood. Midway through the call I tried to angle the conversation to asking her to try and call me more, or text me more, just to checkin, keep contact alive. But she responded a bit confused, and it just sounded like I was nagging. I couldnt phrase things well and it all feel apart with silly emotional sounding sentances. I changed the subject quick but it probably sounded naggy. I hate sounding naggy. Im not going to bring it up with her again for a while I think, if I can help it, unless it gets like really bad. I need to sit down and talk about communication needs though, when we visit next. Its going to be important I think.

Tonight I'm going to a birthday party, but now I'm in an off mood and not sure I should go. Hopefully my chicken wings will bring cheer.

Rules rules rules

As a submissive being driven by power exchange I find myself strongly motivated by structure, limits, and expectations. That being said, when there are rules, regulations, and standing orders, its sort of freeing in a way.

Right now I can only think of two rules that Mistress has given me. 1. if i am to play with anyone without her present i'm not to engage in anything to the level of fluid exchange. (my recreational play is to be nonsexual). Its a very reasonable rule I'm happy to maintain. 2. I'm not allowed to take any cold medicines that she hasn't approved of because some make me very dizzy and it worries her.

I've been thinking though about things and theres just nothing in my day to day life to do or not to do by means of control. In my past experiences ive had rules and regulations for diet, masturbation, exercise, sleep schedule, regular contact/reporting, journaling, clothing, word choice, and on and on. Ive also had daily rituals to do, positions to be trained to I had to practice, and miscelanious other odd jobs that made me feel ever so useful. Rules and regulations are terrific because they give me a sense of place, and a purose in helping hopefully. I feel really lacking without anything binding like a standing order to push me. I think I'm going to try and come up with some suggestions that might anticipate Dragoness' needs or wants and be benefitial to her. I'm worried about stepping on her toes though. Last thing I'd want to do is top from the bottom, or give her too much pressure.
Things to think about.

everything's coming up milhouse

I know most of you won't get the glib reference, but I'm okay with that.

Ive been so concerned lately with little communication worries that it entirely delighted me to realize the last few days Dragoness has been surprising me with lovely hello messages before I get the chance to contact her. Just a little dose of care and contact made such a difference to me.

And on a side note, the obscure ex contacted me back imminently with a lot of apollogy and wish to regain friendship as well. It was a great feeling of positivity as I began visiting with her and catching up. End of the road. she was a much better friend than anything else and it will be nice to be her friend again.

Tonight I'm going to go watch red with one of my favourite stabbity friends and her guy. And perhaps they will feed me tasty foods.

The world feels right today. Like an alpine lake of my nostalgia.

patience, frustration, and karma

I'm running on a bizzare sleep cycle as i'm doing a 2 graveyard shift stint to help the night guy out so bare with me if I sound rediculous.

As I've entered before I have a lot of frustration about communication. I get really bent out of shape if I don't hear from my Dragoness within a few days. I also get frustrated if we don't have any meaningful communication in the times we do talk. This week was hard as we went four days without her contacting me and I was trying to be independant and let her come to me. I sorta failed as I left a few texts and one voicemail in that time, finally breaking and sending an "are you okay" message. After she responded I reminded her by asking if she could try to maintain some form of daily contact. I don't think I've conveyed properly too her just how disconnected I feel if I go too long without communication. I can be perfectly happy in my own world keeping myself busy, but at the same time i dont feel my connection to my partner as strongly. At the same time with an unprepared for absense my sense of submission and vulnerability to her drys up. Even my sex drive starts to yoyo. The less wanted I feel in that regaurd the more one sided I feel and I just get frustrated if I think about it.

But Ive been working on reminding myself of a few things. 1. its her first long distance relationship, and long distance is a lot of work. 2. its her first ds relationship, and ds is a lot of work. 3. I have to be patient and relay my feelings on the matter when its possible to do so.
 I think If I take things day by day, and think positive, things will improve.

I spoke to a good friend of mine in the lifestyle and she suggested I think about my relationship needs and my relationship wants and discuss it with my Lady. It was good advice, and I thought I had done this to some degree. But I think next time Dragoness visits i'll sit down and try and talk with her about my needs and wants in a relationship, and hers as well, and try and figure out a plan to accomodate both of us given the distance. I would talk about it via text or phone, but the phone always cuts out and text is so impersonal. Talking about something like this in person makes a big difference though because we can sit and see each others body language and maintain positivity. It could be a bonding experience I think, building better relationship tools.

In other news I've improved my karma I think. This is going to take some explanation, and those of you who haven't known me personally for a long time may laugh. At one point several years ago I thought I was a switch. I had convinced myself that thats what I had to be, because its what i was supposed to be to make people happy. About midway into this age of denial, I had become quite affectionate for a dear friend of mine. A dear sweet, very submissive masochistic friend of mine. She had helped me through a hard time and we really bonded. Some of that affection turned sexual, and I being convinced I should dominate, expressed that upon her. We fell madly in lust with each other and a rediculous superficial relationship ensued. The kicker to the superficiality was she was very long distance, lived in freakin england, everything was over webcam and chatter and email. But somehow we ensued for months, playing little kinky games, getting excited, and I like a sap wearing my heart on my sleeve fell for her. As that year went on and affection blossomed I had to try extra hard to convince myself I was in charge. It was a slow trainwreck in action as i had no actual control, and she didnt seem to notice. Her life got in the way, she got distant, i got clingy and my inner subby "i need you" instinct kicked in. I think in some ways she sensed it, and was repulsed by my frail vulnerability. In all fairness if my dominant subbed out towards me like that id be a bit baffled too. So she just disapeared for a while, dropped out of communication, and went from days between emails, to weeks, to a month and a half and I snapped. I sent her a message saying I couldnt keep things up anymore, her life was too busy and she just wasnt there, yatta yatta. I was quite hurt and had trouble sorting things out (also still in huge denial about my orientation). About 4 months later out of the blue she pops online and starts talking to me like nothing had ever happened. She just presumed to be the same old cat who had been before the relationship, and whining to me about her new job. .... I went red with rage and snarled at her with anger and unkindness. I said some things that in hindsight, not so proud of, and told her never to speak to me again.

That was about three years ago. Ive been reminded a few times about how sourly that ended, and how much it sucks to lose a good friend in the process. So I sucked it up and sent out an olive branch. I appologized for my part in the negative ending of things and the harsh words I said. I told her she had been a good friend to me, before everything got complicated and messy. I told her I forgave her for what she had done to hurt me, and wished she could find it in her heart to forgive me. I sent hope we could regain friendship lost, but in reality know that its unlikely. Sending an appology though, it removed a weight from me I did not know was there. It was a real relief and I think in the end, it might bring some good karma my way. It was a silly grudge to old and unnessecsary negative energy to keep. Hopefully that olive branch will result in positivity somewhere, somehow.

You really can't go home again

I'm going to try to come off not so ranty, but it might be hard.

I grew up in a small town, in rural Alberta. I grew up in a place that is very heteronormative. If it wasnt for my queerfriendly vancouver raised parents I'm not honestly sure what would have become of me. Even then I was convinced of myself as very straight very normal, and when I realized I was kinky growing up I did my best to repress that. It took a lot of effort to learn who I am, and appreciate/accept that after leaving.

I love my family, and miss my bigbrother and sister (godsiblings) that are still living out there very much. I was really glad when I was able to go out and visit for the first time in two years, just this last weekend. Was able to see my nephews birthday, and see two nephews and a neice total. Normally I'm restricted to just phonecalls and it was real quality time. That being said, after about 12 hours "back home" I wanted to leave based on local culture. 

Everything was very everyday tvshow hetero caucasion vanilla  cut and dry, black and white. I forgot just how profound it is to experience after being away. The same thing happened to me the last visit two years ago and I had forgotten. My beloved big brother made enough customary homophobic humour that I felt a little anxious right from the getgo. He has no idea i'm pansexual and would not accept me if I were to ever express that i am attracted to more than just traditional cysgendered women. On the second day, there was a birthday party for one of my nephews, thus the timing of the visit. And i forgot the crucial thing about "back home". If someone has a party, all those lifelong highschool friends come too. All those kids that never grew up, that are now in their 20s and early 30s, calling each other gay, making comments using anti-gay slurs (you know the word), etc. I took a few flights and stepped right back into the awkwardness of my teens, including the odd glances from acquaintences, and little mutterings that stop when i walk within earshot. Oh and the whole "so you arent engaged yet?" or "Youre still working in hospitality? hows that working for you?" skeptically... It was all so much of an ego hit. All the while I needed to be that perfect brother/son/uncle/grandson to the family. After leaving i started to remember just how big of a inferiority complex I had growing up, as it had kicked in hard this weekend after so long. 

That feeling carried over into the week. I teared up at the grocery store today feeling like im just not good enough and then realized that things must have really gotten to me. So tonight ive worked hard to remind myself that i'm not a let down, that i am living up to my own personally styled potential and working hard every day. I guess all I can do is take that all, day by day.

maybe I try too hard

I'm just about to go to bed, and I got thinking. I had talked to the Dragoness a little earlyer tonight. It was nice, via text only. Hadnt heard from her yesterday so I was starting to wonder how she was doing. But good news for me was shes fine, just had been busy busy and slept in. So no need to worry.
Just tried to call her but shes busy yet again. I at first feel a little ignored when this happens, but then I stop myself. My subconscious impulse doesnt look at logic. Logically shes busy, and she even told me what shed be up to tonight in terms of doing some interior painting. After a few miliseconds (between ring number 3 and the voicemail pickup), all that logic kicked in and I felt good just to hear the voicemail message and leave a nice goodnight.

Ive reminded myself a lot the last month or so that I try a bit too hard. I'm very eager to please her, as she inspires me, and I go to great lengths to show her things, share with her, and be a genuine submissive source of love care and respect. But its a distance relationship, and we both have very busy lives. And the relationship, though full of d/s feelings and bits of play, is primarily vanilla thus far. I'm her first sub, and its a steep learning curve. So i try to be extra informative and helpful about that sort of stuff. And this is her first distance relationship, so working out our communication boundries had been tough. But my emotional brain seems to often forget this and try too hard, in turn expecting too much from her. I realize it quickly most of the time, especially upon hearing her voice or getting a message from her.  I'm going to work on these things. Trying not to try quite so hard and expect so much, and reacting less emotionally negative to bad timing.

On the up side of things I was able to do some searching around for information for Mistress earlyer tonight when we did text. She said I did good, and will be providing me with all the petting and headscratching I can take. I'd say I deserve to feel a bit cheered at this prospect.

I wont be able to update for a little while, though this is only update 2. I'm going on a trip for the weekend to see some family and not taking my laptop. So i'll try again next week.

First Post

This is going to be a very brief post. This is a brand new blog, my first blogger blog. I'm quite jazzed about it. When I was a teen I had a live journal (it was so lame).

And a few years back, I had to journal in a hardbound journal. My ex made me do it as a way to express my innermost thoughts. Being in a D/s dynamic I found myself developing a lot mental steam to be vented. Vulnerability or need for vulnerability does that. And with my dear Mistress stuck at the coast, semi-distant on a regular basis I find myself needing a channel of expression. Perhaps it will be a good way to analyze my thoughts and experiences to better communicate with her, or even understand myself.

It seems like a good day to make my first entry. First of all, i'm clingy. I used to be clingy as fuck, but i've been working on it for a few years. Dragoness (thats my special name for her and no I wont use her first name on here) and I already exprienced a bit of tension because my clingy overcommunication got to us a month ago and were making sure we dont overwhelm each other, or underwhelm each other with communication as happened after and affected me. My Lady hasnt texted me or called me today, so it makes me a little edgy. I was in a bit of a bad mood and hoped i could speak with her. But I got through it, through positive thinking and perseverance, and not passing out from my tiredness. Its been quiet interesting. It also reminded me that I am strong, and can solve my own problems and use my own positivity to persevere. And im aware I said persevere twice. I'm redundant, but i'm pretty enough for it to get through it.

So i think i'm going to start making a habit to blog on days like today, where I havent adequately expressed my thoughts to anyone or my Lady is distant and I need to vent. This has actually really helped. Also I'll tell stories and stuff. And i'll make a lot of puns. In fact theres a hidden pun in the name of this blog.


Goodnight everybody, and stay classy.