It went awesomely well

more update to come, but just to tell all. Great begining of the week, and I got tied up.

crazy weekend

So here I sit on a BC ferry on my road to see family for easter and change out my snowtires for regular ones. (I know how manly and mechanical... but its okay someones helping me otherwise I'd be helpless on that one). It's going to be a rush trip as its already 530pm, disembark in an hour, and 3 hour drive into interior BC to see my family. Back on monday.

 Heres the really interesting news. I'll finally get to see my Dragoness again. I'm going to pick her up on Monday and take her with me to Victoria for a few days. Its going to be so great to see her and be with her again and do stuff for her and have terrible things done to me. We can do pony play stuff, and rope, and play video games and watch movies and cuddle. I can make her favourite foods, and come home from work to snuggle up to her. Just for a few days it'll be magical. I feel like christmas is coming.

 Except heres the thing, its like christmas as a kid in that theres always that chance of a lump of coal. Seeing each other for a few days again is going to be a big litmus test for us. After a few months of regular tension and touch and go and me panicking, i'm very afraid its not going to be amazing anymore and now I have to find out. So I'm filled with excitement, and a litttttttle bit of panick. It's probably not going to turn out bad. I'm likely overthinking everything. I'm going to think positive and work the good karma. Yeah, i'm crazy, thats just how I roll.

I'm Kadri... and i'm on a boat. Happy Easter.

day in day out

I feel like i'm in a rut, and part of that leaves me feeling cranky. I think i've gotten so used to being worried about my relationship that I've become whiny about the good things coming my way. This week Dragoness texted with me off and on throughout the week. No monumental conversations, just a bit of chattyness, and it was nice. But after the initial few days came on, I got worried, was she going to just stop talking to me for days again? She didnt, she kept working at it, give and take just as I messaged her. And then I started getting greedy about the quality of the conversations, and getting impatient for all sorts of quality time spent. I had to correct my own thought process several times not to be so damned selfish. I know they are my own thoughts and im allowed to have selfish thoughts, but still it just doesnt feel right to figure out i'm randomly being greedy about my Ladys time. Im really consciously thankful for the efforts she is putting in, and for the time spent. So a few of the conversations are "talk at" me conversations, ive rambled like a madman with her listening intently many days too i'm sure.

Perhaps those rounds of trouble weeks without communication shook my faith in her, and now im more troubled than I should be even during good times. So I'm trying to optomistically look at every exchange and remember the benefit of the doubt. I'm also looking forward to the next time I see her. Mistress says shes going to come see me during a week sometime soon. She hasnt gotten it figured out yet. I just know the lack of seeing her is really quite awful on me. Likely that strain is making it worse. End of the day I miss her touch, her voice, and being able to look up at her from my knees. I think things will be a lot better once I get to see her.

nervous

On friday about an hour after my last posting... I recieved a random phonecall from Dragoness. I was so happy to hear from her, but immediatly went vulnerable. I lost  my sense of filter and when she noted tension in my voice she asked what was up. I told her i'd like to hear from her more, it came out in a disorganized jumble and she seemed confused. I'm sure I came out clingy and rediculous and didnt get my point across. It was a nice conversation right until then.
However, right afterwards she got chatting with me via text, and i said just that, that it was jumbled thoughts and i was sorry for sounding so rediculous. She asked me to send her an email with organized thoughts. I think she knows I was upset and generally about why as the last few days shes done a really good job of texting me every day. I'm afraid that she'll be angry when she reads the email though. I know it sounds silly but the same things I think are reasonable relationship needs might somehow be selfish.  I'm glad I stated my needs though. Its important for things to survive.
I'm very tired right now and had a fun scene with friends today, so I'm not sure i'm making much sense. Dear readers thank you for reading.

foot in mouth

I just made a bafoon of myself. I really wish I could think clearly before I speak. All week I've been getting worried, and then grumpy, at my Lady disapearing again. She suddenly went monday tuesday wednesday and most of thursday without a word. I sent a text each day but felt increasingly pushed away each day I didnt hear from her. By Thursday I was just plain annoyed. It was worrysome and grumpymaking. I felt like she was distinctly ignoring me. It hurt.
But last night she texted me a bit. And we got talking then.
Then tonight she called me before she went to work, and I'm in an off mood. Midway through the call I tried to angle the conversation to asking her to try and call me more, or text me more, just to checkin, keep contact alive. But she responded a bit confused, and it just sounded like I was nagging. I couldnt phrase things well and it all feel apart with silly emotional sounding sentances. I changed the subject quick but it probably sounded naggy. I hate sounding naggy. Im not going to bring it up with her again for a while I think, if I can help it, unless it gets like really bad. I need to sit down and talk about communication needs though, when we visit next. Its going to be important I think.

Tonight I'm going to a birthday party, but now I'm in an off mood and not sure I should go. Hopefully my chicken wings will bring cheer.

Rules rules rules

As a submissive being driven by power exchange I find myself strongly motivated by structure, limits, and expectations. That being said, when there are rules, regulations, and standing orders, its sort of freeing in a way.

Right now I can only think of two rules that Mistress has given me. 1. if i am to play with anyone without her present i'm not to engage in anything to the level of fluid exchange. (my recreational play is to be nonsexual). Its a very reasonable rule I'm happy to maintain. 2. I'm not allowed to take any cold medicines that she hasn't approved of because some make me very dizzy and it worries her.

I've been thinking though about things and theres just nothing in my day to day life to do or not to do by means of control. In my past experiences ive had rules and regulations for diet, masturbation, exercise, sleep schedule, regular contact/reporting, journaling, clothing, word choice, and on and on. Ive also had daily rituals to do, positions to be trained to I had to practice, and miscelanious other odd jobs that made me feel ever so useful. Rules and regulations are terrific because they give me a sense of place, and a purose in helping hopefully. I feel really lacking without anything binding like a standing order to push me. I think I'm going to try and come up with some suggestions that might anticipate Dragoness' needs or wants and be benefitial to her. I'm worried about stepping on her toes though. Last thing I'd want to do is top from the bottom, or give her too much pressure.
Things to think about.

everything's coming up milhouse

I know most of you won't get the glib reference, but I'm okay with that.

Ive been so concerned lately with little communication worries that it entirely delighted me to realize the last few days Dragoness has been surprising me with lovely hello messages before I get the chance to contact her. Just a little dose of care and contact made such a difference to me.

And on a side note, the obscure ex contacted me back imminently with a lot of apollogy and wish to regain friendship as well. It was a great feeling of positivity as I began visiting with her and catching up. End of the road. she was a much better friend than anything else and it will be nice to be her friend again.

Tonight I'm going to go watch red with one of my favourite stabbity friends and her guy. And perhaps they will feed me tasty foods.

The world feels right today. Like an alpine lake of my nostalgia.

patience, frustration, and karma

I'm running on a bizzare sleep cycle as i'm doing a 2 graveyard shift stint to help the night guy out so bare with me if I sound rediculous.

As I've entered before I have a lot of frustration about communication. I get really bent out of shape if I don't hear from my Dragoness within a few days. I also get frustrated if we don't have any meaningful communication in the times we do talk. This week was hard as we went four days without her contacting me and I was trying to be independant and let her come to me. I sorta failed as I left a few texts and one voicemail in that time, finally breaking and sending an "are you okay" message. After she responded I reminded her by asking if she could try to maintain some form of daily contact. I don't think I've conveyed properly too her just how disconnected I feel if I go too long without communication. I can be perfectly happy in my own world keeping myself busy, but at the same time i dont feel my connection to my partner as strongly. At the same time with an unprepared for absense my sense of submission and vulnerability to her drys up. Even my sex drive starts to yoyo. The less wanted I feel in that regaurd the more one sided I feel and I just get frustrated if I think about it.

But Ive been working on reminding myself of a few things. 1. its her first long distance relationship, and long distance is a lot of work. 2. its her first ds relationship, and ds is a lot of work. 3. I have to be patient and relay my feelings on the matter when its possible to do so.
 I think If I take things day by day, and think positive, things will improve.

I spoke to a good friend of mine in the lifestyle and she suggested I think about my relationship needs and my relationship wants and discuss it with my Lady. It was good advice, and I thought I had done this to some degree. But I think next time Dragoness visits i'll sit down and try and talk with her about my needs and wants in a relationship, and hers as well, and try and figure out a plan to accomodate both of us given the distance. I would talk about it via text or phone, but the phone always cuts out and text is so impersonal. Talking about something like this in person makes a big difference though because we can sit and see each others body language and maintain positivity. It could be a bonding experience I think, building better relationship tools.

In other news I've improved my karma I think. This is going to take some explanation, and those of you who haven't known me personally for a long time may laugh. At one point several years ago I thought I was a switch. I had convinced myself that thats what I had to be, because its what i was supposed to be to make people happy. About midway into this age of denial, I had become quite affectionate for a dear friend of mine. A dear sweet, very submissive masochistic friend of mine. She had helped me through a hard time and we really bonded. Some of that affection turned sexual, and I being convinced I should dominate, expressed that upon her. We fell madly in lust with each other and a rediculous superficial relationship ensued. The kicker to the superficiality was she was very long distance, lived in freakin england, everything was over webcam and chatter and email. But somehow we ensued for months, playing little kinky games, getting excited, and I like a sap wearing my heart on my sleeve fell for her. As that year went on and affection blossomed I had to try extra hard to convince myself I was in charge. It was a slow trainwreck in action as i had no actual control, and she didnt seem to notice. Her life got in the way, she got distant, i got clingy and my inner subby "i need you" instinct kicked in. I think in some ways she sensed it, and was repulsed by my frail vulnerability. In all fairness if my dominant subbed out towards me like that id be a bit baffled too. So she just disapeared for a while, dropped out of communication, and went from days between emails, to weeks, to a month and a half and I snapped. I sent her a message saying I couldnt keep things up anymore, her life was too busy and she just wasnt there, yatta yatta. I was quite hurt and had trouble sorting things out (also still in huge denial about my orientation). About 4 months later out of the blue she pops online and starts talking to me like nothing had ever happened. She just presumed to be the same old cat who had been before the relationship, and whining to me about her new job. .... I went red with rage and snarled at her with anger and unkindness. I said some things that in hindsight, not so proud of, and told her never to speak to me again.

That was about three years ago. Ive been reminded a few times about how sourly that ended, and how much it sucks to lose a good friend in the process. So I sucked it up and sent out an olive branch. I appologized for my part in the negative ending of things and the harsh words I said. I told her she had been a good friend to me, before everything got complicated and messy. I told her I forgave her for what she had done to hurt me, and wished she could find it in her heart to forgive me. I sent hope we could regain friendship lost, but in reality know that its unlikely. Sending an appology though, it removed a weight from me I did not know was there. It was a real relief and I think in the end, it might bring some good karma my way. It was a silly grudge to old and unnessecsary negative energy to keep. Hopefully that olive branch will result in positivity somewhere, somehow.

You really can't go home again

I'm going to try to come off not so ranty, but it might be hard.

I grew up in a small town, in rural Alberta. I grew up in a place that is very heteronormative. If it wasnt for my queerfriendly vancouver raised parents I'm not honestly sure what would have become of me. Even then I was convinced of myself as very straight very normal, and when I realized I was kinky growing up I did my best to repress that. It took a lot of effort to learn who I am, and appreciate/accept that after leaving.

I love my family, and miss my bigbrother and sister (godsiblings) that are still living out there very much. I was really glad when I was able to go out and visit for the first time in two years, just this last weekend. Was able to see my nephews birthday, and see two nephews and a neice total. Normally I'm restricted to just phonecalls and it was real quality time. That being said, after about 12 hours "back home" I wanted to leave based on local culture. 

Everything was very everyday tvshow hetero caucasion vanilla  cut and dry, black and white. I forgot just how profound it is to experience after being away. The same thing happened to me the last visit two years ago and I had forgotten. My beloved big brother made enough customary homophobic humour that I felt a little anxious right from the getgo. He has no idea i'm pansexual and would not accept me if I were to ever express that i am attracted to more than just traditional cysgendered women. On the second day, there was a birthday party for one of my nephews, thus the timing of the visit. And i forgot the crucial thing about "back home". If someone has a party, all those lifelong highschool friends come too. All those kids that never grew up, that are now in their 20s and early 30s, calling each other gay, making comments using anti-gay slurs (you know the word), etc. I took a few flights and stepped right back into the awkwardness of my teens, including the odd glances from acquaintences, and little mutterings that stop when i walk within earshot. Oh and the whole "so you arent engaged yet?" or "Youre still working in hospitality? hows that working for you?" skeptically... It was all so much of an ego hit. All the while I needed to be that perfect brother/son/uncle/grandson to the family. After leaving i started to remember just how big of a inferiority complex I had growing up, as it had kicked in hard this weekend after so long. 

That feeling carried over into the week. I teared up at the grocery store today feeling like im just not good enough and then realized that things must have really gotten to me. So tonight ive worked hard to remind myself that i'm not a let down, that i am living up to my own personally styled potential and working hard every day. I guess all I can do is take that all, day by day.