the summer of DOOOM

Has anyone else felt it in the air the last month or so? Something just doesn’t tune in right. People have been surlier, tempers higher, stress mounting, and BREAKUPS EVERYWHERE. It seems like almost everyone I know has ended up breaking up. It seems like in a few short weeks all the folks I knew that were in more trepedatious or shorter run of relationships were breaking up. From the one month-ers to the one year-ers it seemed like everyone was kaput. It made me very sad. Two of my favourite people, who were about to get married, suddenly called things off. Although not all of it is final ends. It sounds as though they are trying to make it work out.

 

And in my realm of things, I've found things aren't irreversibly bad either. My dear new ladylove has been helping me deal with my stresses and at the same time tapping into a dominant side indirectly. She's found my “obedience button”. A way to say to do something, like “calm down” and it happens. It’s quite lovely. I’m trying to work up the nerve to see if she might want to try doing it just for fun.

Dealing with drop

 

Ever had a drop? Subdrop domdrop topdrop etc, whathaveyou? It’s different for everybody. For me the biggest thing I notice is manic moods. I’ll be relaxed and happy for a bit, and then suddenly the world is terribly scary.

Today I popped a few special brownies to up my level of mellow and that helped a lot, but the biggest thing… the biggest thing, was having my new gal to call and share comfort with. She was there last night when i was electrified, and bondaged up and provided comfort and helped aftercare. It was the biggest thing for me to recover and I adore her for that. My bit of chaos in flesh she is a great woman. And two or three times today she has told me “the world is safe, you’re safe” and possibly “the only thing to fear is zombies.”

 

Do you get afraid? Do you get paranoid? Do you feel the world around you crushing in? What do you do to deal with it?

I suppose the important thing to look at it is, dealing with it being a priority. When we drop its our body and mind recovering, rebalancing, the whole sha’bang as it were. But that leaves some psych effects that one should monitor and be careful. I made it a habit a long time ago to start telling people I get playing with in advance about the drop risks and asking to make sure I will have someone I can talk to. If I don’t then I try not to engage in any heavy sorts of play unless I know I have a relatively stress free week to walk through my own drop on.

Planning ahead is a big part of safety.

spice it up with vanilla

 

Have you ever had a vanilla relationship? Have you done it as a kinky person? Because I have not, not since I learned what I need as far as a submissive. Yet here I stand before you, in the early days of a vanilla relationship, with a vanilla gal.

On that note, lets look at the term. vanilla is relative in my mind. Is there a specific line of not kinky enough to be absolutely vanilla? Or is it someone who is comparably less into kink stuff than the average lifestyler. Just as someone being “kinky” is pretty relative depending on who's asking.

So in the last few months I’ve gotten to know a young woman who comes to the local munch's. She’s funny, artistic, and very intelligent in conversation. She has one little quirk though. She identifies as “vanilla”. I call her a rebel for it, and adore it in her. She’s as kinky as many out there in the way she thinks and has little dominant style personality traits, but she doesn’t like to identify with labels like that. I have a lot of respect for that.

 

Furthermore, we’re exploring a relationship based on contemporary structure, the old girlfriend boyfriend scenario. It’s odd and refreshing for me. I haven’t had a contemporary relationship in a long time. It’s so nice to just concentrate on the get to know you and not be looking at things like dominant and submissive needs. I mean yeah, there are little quirks to it, and those needs do sorta show themselves. But me being me, I’m letting her set the pace and its just the basics for now. I rather love it. How will it go? Only time will tell.

Work on the solution, not the problem

 

This isn’t a particularly kink related subject, but I think its something a lot of sub’s I know can identify with.

Right now I am stressed. Not as stressed as yesterday or the day before, but still stressed enough that it has me rather distracted. I had some irritating stuff happen at my work the other day. stuff that effected business and required going to the big manager, as my supervisor is on vacation. It got fixed, taken care of, etc. But here i was still worried that when i go back into work tommorow my supervisor is going to be irritated with me for how it was handed. Everyone is touchy and it typically boils down to office politics whenever anything bad happens. Because im a bit too empathetic ive anticipated everyone being grouchy and for some reason it got to me. combine that with lack of sleep and i found myself obsessing over it.

When I woke up this morning I realized my touchy stomach and nervous demeanour is caused by the stress itself, and worrying about the stress in and of itself. The more worried about the situation I got the more stressed I became, because the elements are out of my control. Sometimes I have trouble accepting the world around me as being elements out of my control that once influenced one way I can no longer influence. But the more stressed I became about that, the more worried i felt, and I began to notice “oh no I’m stressed that's bad” and it became stress for the sake of stress.

I realized today, after a full nights sleep a bit of processing i am not quite so stressed about things. But as I got wondering if i’m diong okay, if things are resolved, I started worrying about worrying, stressing about stress, again. The issue itself isn’t quite such an issue. It’s a matter of the overthinking. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own brains that we forget to live, to breath to relax.

There are more important things in life than just stressing out, and I need to relax and realize that. It’s going to be okay

Heck this situation that started the whole thing is relatively minor, and I’ve been in way more stressful situations than this. Overall i had a pretty terrific weekend too. I think I’m pretty lucky to have the friends I do and the ways to savour life that I get.

So now Im just focusing on the solution, relaxation, zen, accepting the universe is something I cannot monumentally change and that I just need to live within it.

D/s and spiritual conflict

Warning todays blog has to do with controversial topics. You might already have definitive thoughts on this issue and I mean no offense to anyone.

I am a spiritualist. I have faith. You might even say I’m a Christian… (Did he just say that? Maybe he’s crazy? Wait, is he going to quote scripture, this is creepy. Let’s leave). No, not that type of Christian, I am not a dogmatist. I just happened to be raised catholic so that was my first faith to understand, since then I’ve experienced many other outlooks and just consider myself someone of faith and spirituality.

 

Why bring this up? Because I think there aren't enough people in the bdsm community or alternative sexuality community willing to say “I believe in something greater.” Or admit to spiritual beliefs/philosophy's at all. More pressing, it seems like it’s discouraged to do so. Being alternative in nature seems to imply within and without the community that we will be either atheist, or very agnostic. The exception to this rule is that in some sectors of the bdsm community energy play and manipulation, allowing for a belief and connection to cosmic energy seems to be accepted.

 

My biggest point today is this. If you have beliefs, of a spiritual nature, you have every right to them. You should be who you are, body mind and soul.   Take that with you, in your relationships, and even in your dungeon ethics. It is okay to be who you are and to believe in God/Allah/The great potato/Zues/Gaia/etc however you like. Its an inherent human right and I dont think human rights ever stop in the dungeon. If they do… thats a whole different rant.

 

That being said I also encourage you to find a way to accommodate your sexuality with your spirituality, and not in a repressive way. If you have an open mind and are focused on positivity you can find an accommodation for kink and sexuality in pretty much every spiritual philosophy sphere.

 

The reason I was inspired to this topic? Recently I had to make a spiritual ethical choice, and am glad I had the strength of will to do it.

Story time:

Because I like meeting new people, and am on the hunt for Mistress/Master right, I interact with folks on kink sites, make new friends etc. Well I had been talking to this lovely female dominant and she happened to mention she uses this certain online program, a forum-group for female dominants and male submissives. She told me I was a total fit for it, and should check it out. So I did and it was total hard-core femdom D/s protocol philosophy. I have seen that before and know it isn’t something I can identify with as a constant 24/7 thing, but it can be fun for certain people, or even to slip into that sort of mindset for fantasy. (Keep in mind that fantasy kink play so far from the real world that it can make other kinksters uncomfortable can only go so far, and is only good in certain settings).

At this point I knew, that any explorations down that particular rabbit hole would only be good for fun, or for better understanding of playing in higher protocol situations/relationships. I love to learn though, and to understand, and to add to my skillset as a submissive, so I took a gamble and joined their “program” at her recommendation. It was pretty cool too, exchanging ideas, being very protocoled, being talked to in a way to keep me in “my place.” It was a fun headspace at first. And then something happened, they (there are a lot of people involved in and running this operation so I’ll say they) gave me some new rules. One of the new rules was a daily ritual. I was required to squat, or fall to my knees, and masturbate for 15 minutes while exercising my tongue and chanting this somewhat degrading oath. The oath was about me being low and unworthy, and serving superior women. It was a pretty degradation heavy act, that glorified the female doms to a point of excess. To top it off, this exercise was called “Worship”.

Well I did it because I was in my “I want to please” mindset. It wasnt a very good feeling I felt afterwards. In fact it felt a little like revulsion. I felt a bit disgusted with myself. This was not because I was some hypothetically unworthy male, but because I had performed an act in the name of kink that was ritualistic to the point it actually imitated worship of a divine power. I sat and thought about the philosophies this protocol system and program preached and realized it came pretty close to making the dominants into god-like figures. They were pretty darned serious about it too. To these women it seemed like any other way of doing d/s was wrong. That’s when It hit me, they are calling it worship for that very reason.

Now I have nothing against playing at the goddess/god thing that some people get into. I mean heck, The pharaohs in Egypt were pretty big into that. It just does not turn my crank, and if taken seriously it offends my spiritual philosophies.  The fact that in this case, it was snuck up on me, seemed non-consensual and gave me the feeling of a cult-like trap.

I did something I don’t do very often regarding kink issues, and I sat and prayed for guidance. I then did a bit of meditation, channelling good energy, feeling better about myself and the universe around me.

I decided I was going to politely resign from their little program, but not in a hostile way. Instead, for the hope of their future considerations for people I would share what i felt and why I was going to walk away from these new friends. I wrote them an email (copy at bottom).

I have nothing against these individual people, just how they went about sharing their philosophy. I hope that my feedback will curve future issues like this for them too. I have a few issues aside from this one with how they go about things and taking themselves too seriously, but that's a rant for another day, or another blog. My friend Stabbity covered people pushing their fantasies a bit too seriously quite well with this little number http://www.notjustbitchy.com/?p=102 .

Be true to yourself. If something leads you to feel like you cant look yourself in the eye without feeling spiritually wrong, then either the actions or your spiritual outlook needs to be examined (maybe both). Kink and sexual growth will lead us down many roads. There will be lots of neat things to try and explore. But remember, it’s okay to have limits and walk away from things that arent cool with us. Spiritual comfort zones are just as valid as physical/emotional ones.  In this case I was strong enough to remember my own limits, and beliefs, and do what is right for me by turning them down.

It’s my hope that if you run into a spiritual conflict, you too will be able to do what is right for you.

 

 

 

The following is an edited version of the letter, identities and names removed for anonymity.

“ Dear People in charge of the FEMDOMWEBSITE ;

I thank you for the time you have put into me, and the knowledge I have been getting out of the program, and it is with sadness that I must resign from it. I do not make this decision lightly, and feel I owe you the respect of an explanation.

The theme keeps coming up at which the philosophy of the FEMDOMWEBSITE puts dominant females at a level comparative to the divine, and that has given me cause to severe discomfort. It is entirely natural for me to view dominants as above me, superior, and submit myself to their guidance and care, but to place that superiority on par with God/Divinity has left me steadily more and more uncomfortable. I am a very spiritual boy, and that's a big core of who I am. After finishing the Starter assignment I was left with a feeling of unease, that the "worship" felt far too much like actual spiritual worship with an added sexuality to it.

It has made me very uneasy as I can give my Mistress my body, and the love of my heart, but my soul is for She/He/It of the divine (God/Allah/the great spirit etc).

Because of how far this has pushed my spiritual comfort zone I have spent some time on prayer/meditation. I feel that perhaps it is just me personally, in the amount of energy I put into my spiritual self, that I cannot remove it from the actions and interpretations of the philosophy here. Perhaps other boys are better able to separate those portions of self.

Having examined my options though, I feel it is my best interest to resign from the FEMDOMWEBSITE as of today. If I cannot be comfortable spiritually with what I do in this form of submission, then it is not for me.

I bare you all no Ill will though, and respect you greatly for what you are doing. I thank you for the time you spent on me, and hope you all find the boys that you are looking for, to serve you with devotion and obedience, in full comfort.”