I don’t have a topic or a big post. Life is busy this month as I’m moving, and theres a lot on the go for my dear Chaos and I. I’ll likely not be posting until January, and hopefully by then I’ll also have a spiffy podcast for you.
So whatever holiday you celebrate, I wish you love and joy this season.
A quick housekeeping note for my regular followers. I’m in the process of moving right now so it’s getting harder to make more regular entries and get the privacy for a podcast recordings (yes more are coming), but I’m working on it. I thank you for your patience.
Obedience is tossed around a lot in kink talk these days. Its touted as being a very important part of power exchange. It’s one of those fundamental elements of D/s that newbies learn is important. In some cases it’s even a matter of not obeying, such as a more “bratty” dynamic.
I’ve noticed though that with the influx of new kinksters over the last few years, that the emphasis on obedience, and the enthusiasm of newer submissive type folks to be obedient, it becomes a blanket execution. All kinds of emphasis gets put on a submissive person needing to be obedient and how important that is, but not a lot of explanation to how such a skill or personal trait can be implemented effectively. So I’ve come up with three important points to think of when it comes to obedience.
1. REMEMBER WHO IS AND ISNT ENTITLED TO YOUR OBEDIENCE: When someone is obedient and easygoing as a personality trait, this one can be hard, but it’s important. If anyone off the street can wander up to you boss you about, then in the kink world you’re quite likely to be seen as a walking doormat, which isn’t attractive. Worse, someone who obeys an order from anyone they meet is easy prey for a predatory character who isn’t looking for your personality, but for meat to fill a purpose. That’s all well and good in fantasy, but in reality the eager doormat is a walking target for abuse. Alternatively the blanket obedience can come off pushy and incredibly unattractive to a potential partner. If you have a problem just obeying anyone’s direction, take a step back and guard that. It’s a gift and if you give it to anyone, its worth is lost.
2. CONSIDER YOUR ACTIONS: You are legally and societally responsible for your own actions. Even if those actions are being directed by someone else, and even if your local kink group will understand and forgive that, if its an action that breaks the law, or hurts someone, ultimately you are going to be the one responsible for it. So before you let someone you barely know send you on a mission to capture the grail consider things like “is this safe?” “is this legal?” “Is this going to cause problems for anyone else?” and ultimately “Is this logical?” At the end of the day a legitimate partner is going to value your opinion or input on what activities you are consenting to. The people who are making requests or giving orders are still human, and humans as we know are prone to errors in judgement. Even super amazing scary assed big bad dominants who never make mistakes might just make a tiny little error in judgement. Research kinky accidents if you don’t believe me. Just remember to be respectful when you communicate your questions or even potential decline in consent to obey X directive.
In some cases you might be together so long and with such a power dynamic that you obey everything pretty much without question, but even then, if something seems dangerous or questionable there needs to be a communication mechanism in place. In these cases its even more important because you are protecting both yourself, and your partner (be they your Sir, Mistress, Grand High Potato or whatever) from harm or consequence by applying thought to your actions. Ultimately this comes down to RACK or SSC or any other consent based safety mechanisms within your D/s and everyone is unique. I might even get some flack for saying this, but the person who demands unquestioning unthinking obedience from someone else is stepping away from reality and has the potential to become very very dangerous.
3. PUT YOUR ALL INTO IT: In kink as in life, a job worth doing is a job worth doing well. So when you are obeying someone you consider worthy of your obedience, and doing a task that is a reasonable consenting activity, do it with 110%! Any paid help can tidy the room, refill a drink, or go on an errand. Certainly it doesn’t take a heck of a lot of effort to “go stand over there” or “assume the position,” but perhaps its not about just filling the base requirement. Remember the old adage “service with a smile.” When someone is told to do X and goes about it mechanically, there isn’t a heck of a lot of amusement in this. If you’re going to obey a command or an order, you might as well do it with a bit of style too. Exceeding expectations goes a long way with people and the dominant folk out there are no exception. If you’re obeying someone, obey them happily, comfortably, and if its at all possible put a bit more into it than just the task requires.
Heck, sometimes obeying doesn't even require a direct command so much as listening skills and anticipation. I do a lot of domestic service with my partner Chaos. I obey requests of instructions to help with things, make food, serve dinner, etc. But alternatively I don't need to be asked or told to get the refill, or to jump in with a massage when I can tell one is wanted. Or the other night when she mentioned she had a craving for cheese, I went and rolled up some ham, knowing she likes ham, sliced the little rolls, and served a small plate of the two types of ham, and sliced cheddar. Those little extras go a long way in my experience, and they will in yours too.
If you can not only obey orders or instructions correctly, but anticipate them, and go above the expectations set, you will be well on your way to a happy partner. After all, its about the quality of obedience.
Those three concepts will hopefully provide a positive philosophy of quality obedience more so than blanket obedience can ever give anyone. ultimately its going to provide mutual satisfaction. Try and remember this, as I sometimes forget just what goes into why I obey the few people I do, and you might forget as well. Some days you may even not be in the mood to obey with cheer, or even provide much, but if you communicate, and do what you can do, no one can reasonably expect otherwise. Good luck everybody, and play safe.
I will clarify now I am going to rant a bit about some really idiotic shit I’ve been seeing about safewords lately. I have no problem with someone not liking playing with safewords, as long as they have a clear communication of safety and consent.
The problem, is the asshats who refuse to acknowledge their play partners use of a safeword, safe call, or other means of indicating a cut of consent to continue in their activity. That’s right, I used the C word. CONSENT. Safewords are a tool to communicate consent. Neither party needs to use a safe word, as they can have many tools to indicate consent. But it doesn’t matter what your notion is, if someone has a safeword and uses it, or indicates midscene that they have such a thing, that’s consent, that’s the line, stop right now.
Because if you cross someone’s safeword, you are proceeding to perform acts against their consent, and depending on the act, it’s likely an illegal assault that will get your ass potentially labeled a sexual offender, not to mention embaress the entire kink community.
You know who ignores a partners safewords?
PREDATORS!
Creepy predator people telling a potential sub or slave that they will eventually give up all their right to consent as an act of submission have made me sick. So long as we exist in a society of rights and laws such as we do our consent is legally protected, and whatever clear form we indicate it needs to be followed.
It's time for everyone’s favourite kinky talk show! Warning, nsfw adult content.
A special thank you goes out to our guest today, Woo. Please check out her tumblr
I’m considering doing a regular audio broadcast. Sort of like a podcast version. It would mostly be kink and queer issues, but also a little slice of life. I love to write this blug, but often don’t have the time or the patience to put my thoughts into the written word.
Also I’d like to especially do a guest component. My good friend Stabbity has occasionally had someone guest-write, and i really like the combined perspectives. I would be doing the same thing with the audio blog, with recorded conversation.
So the question is, what would you like to hear when I start doing these?
In kink culture there is one great big expectation that we often forget to talk about; being polite and respectful. Say please and thank you. If something is not yours, ask to touch it, if someone has not given you permission to touch them or get in their space, don’t do that either! Respect the comfort zones of both people and their partners. It’s not rocket science but it astounds me how incredibly disrespectful some members of the community will chronically behave, after repeated warnings and communication.
I’m going to just say it out right because it needs to be said.
Touching someone without their consent is not okay!
Touching other people’s partners without their collective consent is also not okay.
Getting in someone's personal space without consent is not okay.
Basically non consensual kink activities in general, not okay, and that should be more clear! Budding in or interfering in someone else's scene or power exchange, very much disrespectful and possibly dangerous.
If someone declines your invitation to do kinky things with them, its not acceptable to be act offended by the fact that they decline. If they are rude about, that you can be offended by. But consent is sacred and everyone’s right.
Another one I'm seeing more and more okay, engaging someone with sexual or power titles without consent is also not alright. Titles mean many things to many people, and are sometimes sacred to a relationship. Its entirely acceptable to indicate someone is their partner’s ___title___ but to address them as such without indication that that’s okay can be incredibly disrespectful. And expecting someone else to engage you with a title is equally disrespectful. I see it a lot more online. Just calling a friend or even a stranger Mistress or Master for example without them being alright with it will ruffle some big feathers. And expecting someone to call you X title and being offended when they are not comfortable doing so makes you look like a giant asshole. Oh, and excuse me Grand High Vampire of the Golden Lands for expecting every sub out their to read your mind that you expect to be called that by them for some reason. Maybe you need to relax your pride just a little bit and remember you are both human beings with equal rights on this planet.
I’ve been holding off on this rant for a few months but after some things that really bothered me recently, I’ve realized it is long overdue. At a party I was at I saw several cases of very unsolicited non-consensual touches. From unasked for uncomfortable hugs to grabbing of someone else's body without consent struck me as something that is too easily dismissed.
A few months ago I met a new person at a munch. Not new to town, new to kink in general. She identified as a switch and seemed to be leaning towards the dom side. She was shy and nervous and rather kind. I had polite chat welcoming her to the community and later befriended her on fetlife. As she was welcomed into the community and stacked her friends list, her shyness wore off. The next two times I saw her, she aggressively attempted in one form or another to try to exert non-consensual dominance over me, getting into my personal space. I’m not going to go into details here, although I did publish my second warning letter to her on tumblr out of sheer frustration earlier in the summer. Because the awkward moments involved unsolicited body contact from her, very domineering and objectifying statements towards both myself and my partner.
Now by the third incident we were both rather leery. At a munch she attempted to force herself upon me with an unasked for forceful hug, ignoring my verbal warning to not touch me, requiring me to physically dislodge her from me, nearly shouting for her to stop and back off before she desisted. This is not okay.
This sort of bullshit is not acceptable behaviour and yet I’ve seen it more and more in the community both at home and across the internet to many of us. Be aware. Be informed. Know what you are within your rights to deny consent to. If someone fucks up with this, but owns up to it, learns from their mistake, then great, lets accept them respectfully into the community and let them earn trust. But if someone just keeps on fucking up after being warned, then be aware and warn others. Its not okay in any other community to violate the consent of others, and it sure as fuck isn’t okay in the kink community. And anyone who tells you otherwise might just be fucking dangerous.
End Rant
I have a rant post this month. Actually I have a really angry rant post I’ve been saving up until my temper cools, thus the lack of blogging, but that will come later. For now though, a rant.
The alt community is comfortable, its so comfortable, its overly encouraging of comfort. There is nothing wrong with having a limit to your own comfort zone, I assure you. It’s important to respect the comfort zone of others, and yourself. In most cases this works quite well. My kink is my kink but if its not your kink that’s okay. It’s pretty standard.
Why does that standard not extend to nudity. I am a pretty kinky guy and am fairly comfortable in the nude amongst people I am extremely comfortable with, in private. Generally if it’s someone I am comfortable being naked around it’s also someone I’m comfortable seeing naked. Otherwise if someone is nude around me, and it’s an acceptable standard of the setting, I politely avoid taking notice of the nudity and respect their right to be nude. And if in fact the amount of uncomfortable nudity in said situation starts to outweigh my comfort zone, I find a way to politely vacate from that event or location.
For the life of me though, I can’t get others in my extended social sphere to get this when they try time and time again to convince me how much fun I will have with them at the nude beach, where many naked strangers go. I even gave them a chance once, and went, on the condition I could keep my shorts on if I wanted to. I did, and suffered no end of comments and requests to remove my shorts. As predicted there were many other people there, strangers, all very nude, and in that environment I felt vulnerable, and uncomfortable. The fact that strangers very unfamiliar to me were naked would not have bothered me, if my naked companions had not been making a regular very big deal out of everyone's state of undress.
I have been at smaller parties where nudity or semi-nudity has been encouraged as well. And they were very comfortable environments for me, so i was able to take part in some degree of nudity for the play portion. And those at these parties who remained clothed at all times weren’t questioned for it. That is part of why I was so comfortable at my choice to disrobe when appropriate.
My point is having clothing optional situations, parties, events, beaches, etc, is fantastic. But depending on the environment, time, setting, or even mood, not everyone is going to be into being nude. Let’s respect each person’s choice on clothing, in either direction, just as we would respect someone's choice to take part in any other activity. And if we don’t make much of an issue of it, there might just be more people comfortable, and possibly naked.
There is a man in Vancouver who happens to be a police officer. He was until this week a respected representative of the RCMP. He is also a respected member of the bdsm community.
Like many of us, he had great photo shoots done displaying consensual kink activities on fetlife. Well, someone leaked his photos to the powers that be. The RCMP began an internal investigation, and the media found out. Now the investigation has determined he has not broken any laws, that he has been involved in consensual activities. However that is not good enough for the apparently “tolerant” Canadian media. His bdsm activities are being described as perverse and abnormal. This man’s career is at this point ruined. His private life is now on display. He is being paraded out as an example of what a bad person does in their private life.
This media witch hunt is enough to make me sick. I never thought I would see such bigotry in Canadian News Media. But thank you society for proving me wrong.
What can we do? Write editorial replies and comments, constructively to the news media in response to these articles. (anonymously) Advocate rights and education for what we do. And present a positive example of who we are to the ignorant world at large. Better yet if you have connections to a news group that can put a better light on this, from a rights and lgbtq perspective please get this moving. I have yet to find a single article defending this poor man.
news articles referencing the situation can be found here:
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/story/2012/07/05/bc-rcmp-sex-photos.html
http://www.torontosun.com/2012/07/05/bondage-photos-rock-bc-rcmp
I’ve been meaning to make this post for a while now. Life has been busy though and I haven’t had a chance. It’s relevant to me and many I know, and it might just be relevant to you too.
It might not happen everywhere, but I know here, there is a real multi-generational kink community. You get to know people young and old and connect with many different perspectives. One of the side effects is, occasionally you find out people you already knew outside of kink, are kinky. Some of those times, its a family member.
There are certain things that go with this. Mainly, are you out to that family member and if not, are you going to be out now? If not, then you’re going to probably have a good reason, ie: a trust issue or a negative relationship. If that's the case then you will have to be pretty careful and give your social interactions in the community a lot of care. You’re going to want to create a game plan in case you are outed to them, because odds are it will happen.
I’ve seen this play out with a friend of mine who has an aunt in the community, once they discovered each other, my friend simply held to her pre-established cover of being a kink friendly person who has many friends in the community. That somehow kept judgement and negativity to a minimum, and privacy protected
I’ll add the disclaimer that the fact people need to worry about negativity and judgement from other kinksters within the community, says something worrisome about our hypothetically open and embracing community. And if you have a family member with that much of a problem in communication, trust, or judgement, perhaps something should be done about that just in the spirit of healthy relationship with family.
On the other side of the coin, you have a family member, you are out to each other, great. But it’s not so simple as going about your business for many, because just how open and up front with your kink do you want to be with someone who youre connected with on familial terms?
This is where the important rule of thumb comes to mind “Establish Boundaries and Communicate Them.” When my father and I outed ourselves to each other, we established clear communication. We can talk about kink in general, d/s philosophies, or our relationships with our partners just like any friend, however, we will not share sex+ play information, and we will not be witness to the other in any play at any parties we happen to attend. So in that I gained a trusted friend in the community who happens to be a family member, but I also dont get creeped out, and neither does he. It’s awkward as fuck to establish those boundaries, but it sure beats assuming.
Others I know that have more distance need from their kink+ relatives alternate events, and make sure to plan around who's going to what. On the other hand I’ve seen families that share fetwear, so really, its all about how comfortable everyone is. Communicate, communicate, communicate (Unless you cant because of something awful).
So, new to playing? Want to do a real in person beginning, middle, end, aftercare, bdsm scene? Totally afraid its going to go wrong? Not sure what to expect?
Or maybe it’s not your first rodeo, but your partner is still pretty new. Or maybe you’ve been at it a while and you want to try a new style of play. In any case, you might not be sure of the best approach to take with your big scene.
Why not rehearse? I mean people practice with toys and tricks and techniques, so why not practice together? Going through a scene together before actually playing it is a great way to learn for beginners and new play mates.
Is it a standard practice? No. Should it be? In my opinion yes. Optional? Of course. As long as the scene’s content is not one entirely composed of surprises, you can skip the surprise twists when going through a walk through. Instead, just go through a walk through. “Here’s what we can do” with where one might play, what sort of expectations you both have in certain play actions, what might be useful from both perspectives, and any other observations and feedback you can give each other before you play will make for a lot more comfort going into the scene.
I say “Dress Rehearsal” because many have clothes/costumes they wear for play or for a scene. Keep in mind though playing in any special clothing, costumes, or outfit is not at all necessary. It is true though that it can help many get into a head space for power exchange. In addition, many have certain fetishes for materials or specific wardrobe items, that will help with the scene. So much like a theatrical dress rehearsal, kink rehearsal can be also in costume.
Having a pre planned checklist is a great planning tool, and I recommend that too. But this takes it one step further, because there are things that you'll observe in play that you wont observe in a checklist. Rehearsing might give you a bit more forethought of it, and an advantage in avoiding potential surprise disasters when its a new playmate or style.
Ultimately the big advantage is helping alleviate anxiety about “what will this be like?” I have helped a few new to kink, dominants learn to play by going through the breakdown of a basic scene with them. I don’t claim to be any kind of expert or teacher, but I sure have found that a brand new top can be just as scared as a brand new bottom. Learning a simple breakdown or tutorial really takes the pressure off.
Some other msc perks include getting to know the layout of the playspace you’re working with, getting more comfortable with the idea of power exchange for fun, as well as active brainstorming.
A practice scene, at the end of the day, won’t work for everyone. Perhaps it would be entirely counter to how you approach your play. But if it could work for you, then give it a go. I hope it helps! Remember, practice makes perfect.
On Tumblr, I received a very pointed comment after my previous blog about shaming. At first I was very offended at a perceived intolerance and repression. Upon taking a breath and a reread I realized its a statement born of ignorance, perhaps even of shame. Rather than be rude and engage in an argumentative tone, I’ve written a strongly worded rebuttal. The following is the comment, followed by my response.
NO DUDE
WE DON’T NEED TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE
Just because everyone is telling their mother, father, coworkers and friends all about their furry fetish/bisexuality/vore/otherkin doesn’t mean you need to as well.
Unnecessary drama. If they find out, so they find out. No biggie, just look them in the eye and be cool with who you are. Doesn’t necessarily mean you should be screaming it from rooftops.
Same with something like being gay. If they see youre dating a dude, thats how theyll ‘find out’ - no need for dramatic movie inspired ‘coming out’ sessions that you can later blog about.
You picked an awfully interesting thread to reblog in order to tell me not to share or be open about who I am.
I am going to choose to believe that the inflammatory statement was meant respectfully. So I will tell you I respectfully disagree. I believe those of us who are not hetero-normative have just as much right to be who we are, and even be flamboyant about it as a hetero normative individual.
I will further state that part of why I blog about the topics I do, as with many of the thousands of other kink lifestyle bloggers, or other alt lifestyle bloggers, out of exploration, support, and understanding. This is not to scream from conceptual rooftops, but to build conceptual houses
I am finally going to point out that "sex life" and sexual or romantic identity and orientation are entirely different concepts. I rarely blog about my "sex life," and at the end of the day am somewhat private about the intimate details.
So I will thank you for sharing your outlook and bid you good day!
So I’ve talked before about dealing with guilt or shame feelings within a d/s atmosphere. It’s rough to deal with negative feelings, especially the ones that can eat at you for a long time. Today though I want to talk about a related topic. Shame thrust upon we, the kinky.
I've noticed a trend, ever since the understanding of slut-shaming came into the mainstream, it was hard to miss. Kink-shaming is a huge thorn in the side of the community, and it comes from within and without. There are a lot of negative connotations about being kinky thrown at us, usually related to misconceptions and assumptions about morals and sexual expressions. It’s ridiculous and mostly founded in ignorance.
Most of what I’ve seen can be categorized as negativity towards submission, domination, or specific fetishes. Today I’m going to talk about sub shaming.
I am a submissive person, to put it simply. I am very proud of this sexual orientation, as a part of who I am. So on a personal note, it irks me to no end when the ignorant or insecurities of others inspire cruelty towards my sense of understanding in romance, and sexuality.
Simply put, there is a chaotic load of shit being said on an irregular basis by people in and out of the community equating submissive people as weak, stupid, cowardly, or even believe it or not suffering from a psychological disability . It is hurtful, ignorant and wrong. It causes a lot of hurt and even damage to those targeted. And I implore the world around us, to stop the shaming.
A lot of it can be blamed on the media, misconceptions of victimization as an effect of d/s activities are far too common. And of course for those who do not have a power orientation, the need to express oneself through submission is very hard to understand or conceptualize. Negative imagery surrounding it, especially combined with the cathartic fantasies we explore can provide a poor interpretation if there is no context.
Rather than attack the kink shamers (as my friend Stabbity would say, I’m too nice for something like that), I’m going to put the truth to the lies.
An incredibly common myth is that submissive people are weak. Now I'm not saying there aren’t weak people who happen to be submissive. But to be able to yield ones power to those you trust, is by its very nature a feat of strength. It requires a great deal of understanding, trust, and faith to say “Here, here is what I have. I’m letting you be both in charge of yourself, and in charge of me in this capacity. All that makes me strong, I'm going to fuel you with it.” Now granted not all submissive acts are epic on that scale, but you get the point I’m sure. The fact that many submissive people get enjoyment at playing at being weak or powerless, well there are many erotic or psychological reasons that that is fun or cathartic, but at the end of the day its playing. I can play a spy in a role play game, that doesn't mean I work for MI6,
And then we have the myth of submissives being stupid. Frankly, people have varied level of intellect. The very idea that this would affect ones orientation in any direction is ridiculous at best. The fact is, great and moving acts of submission require intelligence and wisdom. Complex tasks, anticipation of needs, foresight, and understanding when giving emotional support, all best when met with great intelligence. It doesn't matter who someone is in personal orientation, intelligence only furthers the human experience.
Cowardly… Cowardly… really? How does the logic on that one work. These people who rush headlong into their fears, face them with gritted teeth, challenge the fire around them… cowardly? Taking on great challenges in ones own life is something I see in submissive people on a regular basis. And this could vary, but in my experience if you want to see a brave person who forgets their fears, find a submissive party who has just learned of a threat to their partner. The fearless fury I've seen in some of my submissive friends when it comes to protecting the people in their lives is inspirational.
And now we reach a fallacy that offends me dearly. I'm going to big point out that its incredibly demeaning to both submissive folks and those who are differently abled by creating an accusatory connection. First off, there are many people about us who suffer from different psychological disabilities. They are people, just like you or me, and should not be recipient to prejudice. Secondly, it has nothing to do with their sexual or romantic orientation. And thirdly, it so happens there are people who have a mental disability and are, submissive. I have a friend who happens to be very open about being mentally disabled, and is a lovely wonderful submissive person. What do these two factors have to do with each other in her life? Absolutely nothing. It has no more connection than someone both being tall, and liking fried chicken. I am so in awe of my friend, able to express who she is, happily, and proud. She walks tall, regardless of the worlds ignorance about who she is, and has to deal with a lot more bullshit prejudice about her disability than she ever will about being kinky. And she does not give a damn about either anymore. She feels life is to short to give a damn about small minded people. One day I might walk half as tall as her.
So to my fellow submissive friends (bottoms, switches, and all other roles in that side of the spectrum too), I say this to you. Walk tall! For we need not listen to the ignorant bullies of the world. You are terrific people, and deserve to live free of shame.
SEX! It’s a pretty great thing. It makes for a great time. And toys. They are super fun. but… SEX AND TOYS ARE NOT WHAT BDSM IS ABOUT!
It’s really cool, when people spice up their sex life with kinky elements, and explore their kinks. And its terrific when people like playing with toys. And frankly, toys and sex make for some top quality BDSM.
I have a problem though, in that, this misconception exists that BDSM simply means being into exciting sex, and/or lots of toys. The image that gets pushed forth that we, who are kinky, can be represented as just, eccentric sexual people.
FACT: BDSM can exist without sex or nudity
FACT: BDSM can exist without toys
FACT: BDSM to many of us is a lifestyle and orientation that deserves representation within the queer community as its own culture or subculture.
FACT: When we are relegated to being associated ONLY with an act or accessory that can be used in conjunction with who we are, it HURTS!
I have many friends that I am out to. But I find even there it is misunderstood. Often the conversation will steer into a subject related to kink, and I will make a statement in relation to how subject affects me as relative to being a kinkster or a submissive, in a completely nonsexual fashion, and one of the members of the conversation will respond with a quick statement of modesty or worry that the conversation is suddenly a bit too sexual and has lost the seriousness of the topic. I will then have to explain the statement more carefully as to how it’s topically relevant. It doesn’t happen every time, but often enough that I start to feel like BDSM as a culture, is looked upon as the greater queer communities sideshow.
In part, it is our own fault, as we are pretty enthused about sex and toys. There are a lot of kink and BDSM contents on the web about sex, and sexuality, but not near enough about the romantic value, or communication tools. We need to create more positive educational content.
There are so many books out there with cultural content and philosophy related to power exchange, relationships and communication. And many internal forums for within the community. But a positive exchange of information with the mainstream queer culture needs to start happening. I urge my fellow kinksters, be a representative in kink friendly circles. Show what we are about, and show our legitimacy where you can.
Power exchange can take on so many forms. Bondage can be entirely nonsexual. Pain/sensation can be an expression of feeling and understanding. Structure of relationship format can be empowering and freeing. When these themes are explored by those people who are drawn to any of them, it makes for a legitimate expression of self in romance, intimacy or sex.
More so than that, many of us, regardless of sexuality, are oriented romantically to power. I know many nonsexual or even asexual beings who are top, bottom, dom, sub, switch, sadists, masochists, pet, keepers, slaves, masters, etc. Because, for many of us its something we need. It’s who we are. Its about power, or pain, or just plain connection with other people on a primal level. It’s NATURAL to us. It is who I am, and I am so proud of it.
Just to clarify, as I said to begin with, Sex is awesome. So are toys. So are sex toys for that matter. But so too, are intimacy, communication, understanding, sharing, and just being yourself. My point though, is that I’m just tired of my lifestyle being represented by that. So please, remember, BDSM or just kink in general, does not immediately mean Sex, or toys. To many of us, it really is, a part of who we are. And when we are belittled to just an act, IT HURTS!
I’m pansexual, I see attraction across the gender spectrum. I've yet to have a romantic relationship with a cisgender male, but I feel like I’ve had a fair amount of experience interacting with different sides of said gender spectrum. Every sexual or romantic interaction will vary with different people, but recently I've learned it can vary with the same person, to delightful consequence
Recently I discovered there's something very different about my interactions with my current partner than past partners, or play partners, etc. My sweet chaos, though she identifies as female, is somewhat genderqueer, and has sides of herself that come out across the spectrum at times. She can be delightfully masculine, and gracefully feminine, or both at once. I’ve taken to calling her my boyfriend at times, because often we flip traditionally conceptual gender roles on their head.
I love it. It’s so delightful and freeing. It takes the “this is what a girlfriend is” and just breaks it. I’ve come to feel like I am getting the advantages of being with multiple people from different points on the gender spectrum, because she encompasses so many attributes. To pull out a very nerdy outlook; its sort of like dating a multiclass character in an rpg.
It’s really given me a chance though to appreciate just how cool it is to be pansexual, and have the chance to experience so many of the qualities I’m attracted to. Conceptually I understood the fluidity of gender identity and the associated attractions, but I’ve never had a chance to experience a fluid attraction all at once before.
It’s almost overwhelming. But more t the point, its rich. Much like when you taste an aged wine, and it has a variety of interwoven flavours that compliment each other and contrast across a wide spectrum. I know its a foodie geek sort of reference, but if you do not understand that one, then you should learn about wine because its awesome okay.
