Legitimate Representation

 

SEX! It’s a pretty great thing. It makes for a great time. And toys. They are super fun. but… SEX AND TOYS ARE NOT WHAT BDSM IS ABOUT!

It’s really cool, when people spice up their sex life with kinky elements, and explore their kinks. And its terrific when people like playing with toys. And frankly, toys and sex make for some top quality BDSM.

I have a problem though, in that, this misconception exists that BDSM simply means being into exciting sex, and/or lots of toys. The image that gets pushed forth that we, who are kinky, can be represented as just, eccentric sexual people.

FACT: BDSM can exist without sex or nudity

FACT: BDSM can exist without toys

FACT: BDSM to many of us is a lifestyle and orientation that deserves representation within the queer community as its own culture or subculture.

FACT: When we are relegated to being associated  ONLY with an act or accessory that can be used in conjunction with who we are, it HURTS!

I have many friends that I am out to. But I find even there it is misunderstood. Often the conversation will steer into a subject related to kink, and I will make a statement in relation to how subject affects me as relative to being a kinkster or a submissive, in a completely nonsexual fashion, and one of the members of the conversation will respond with a quick statement of modesty or worry that the conversation is suddenly a bit too sexual and has lost the seriousness of the topic. I will then have to explain the statement more carefully as to how it’s topically relevant. It doesn’t happen every time, but often enough that I start to feel like BDSM as a culture, is looked upon as the greater queer communities sideshow.

In part, it is our own fault, as we are pretty enthused about sex and toys. There are a lot of kink and BDSM contents on the web about sex, and sexuality, but not near enough about the romantic value, or communication tools. We need to create more positive educational content.

There are so many books out there with cultural content and philosophy related to power exchange, relationships and communication. And many internal forums for within the community. But a positive exchange of information with the mainstream queer culture needs to start happening. I urge my fellow kinksters, be a representative in kink friendly circles. Show what we are about, and show our legitimacy where you can.

Power exchange can take on so many forms. Bondage can be entirely nonsexual. Pain/sensation can be an expression of feeling and understanding. Structure of relationship format can be empowering and freeing. When these themes are explored by those people who are drawn to any of them, it makes for a legitimate expression of self in romance, intimacy or sex.

More so than that, many of us, regardless of sexuality, are oriented romantically to power. I know many nonsexual or even asexual beings who are top, bottom, dom, sub, switch, sadists, masochists, pet, keepers, slaves, masters,  etc. Because, for many of us its something we need. It’s who we are. Its about power, or pain, or just plain connection with other people on a primal level.  It’s NATURAL to us. It is who I am, and I am so proud of it.

Just to clarify, as I said to begin with, Sex is awesome. So are toys. So are sex toys for that matter. But so too, are intimacy, communication, understanding, sharing, and just being yourself. My point though, is that I’m just tired of my lifestyle being represented by that. So please, remember, BDSM or just kink in general, does not immediately mean Sex, or toys. To many of us, it really is, a part of who we are. And when we are belittled to just an act, IT HURTS!

Engendered Affection

I’m pansexual, I see attraction across the gender spectrum. I've yet to have a romantic relationship with a cisgender male, but I feel like I’ve had a fair amount of experience interacting with different sides of said gender spectrum. Every sexual or romantic interaction will vary with different people, but recently I've learned it can vary with the same person, to delightful consequence

Recently I discovered there's something very different about my interactions with my current partner than past partners, or play partners, etc. My sweet chaos, though she identifies as female, is somewhat genderqueer, and has sides of herself that come out across the spectrum at times. She can be delightfully masculine, and gracefully feminine, or both at once. I’ve taken to calling her my boyfriend at times, because often we flip traditionally conceptual gender roles on their head.

I love it. It’s so delightful and freeing. It takes the “this is what a girlfriend is” and just breaks it. I’ve come to feel like I am getting the advantages of being with multiple people from different points on the gender spectrum, because she encompasses so many attributes. To pull out a very nerdy outlook; its sort of like dating a multiclass character in an rpg.

It’s really given me a chance though to appreciate just how cool it is to be pansexual, and have the chance to experience so many of the qualities I’m attracted to. Conceptually I understood the fluidity of gender identity and the associated attractions, but I’ve never had a chance to experience a fluid attraction all at once before.

It’s almost overwhelming. But more t the point, its rich. Much like when you taste an aged wine, and it has a variety of interwoven flavours that compliment each other and contrast across a wide spectrum. I know its a foodie geek sort of reference, but if you do not understand that one, then you should learn about wine because its awesome okay.