freedom’s just another word

 

Good day friends and followers. I have the urge to write. I’m not quite sure what to write about. I have recently met a very interesting young lady so perhaps i’ll write about that.

Now a friend is trying to set me up, which on one hand is great, but on another, very troubling.

My feelings for my Dragoness are very strong still, though we are no longer together, and though she has dropped to even less contact than She had with me before we parted. I still miss her, dearly, sweetly. On the other hand a boy has needs.

This nice young Lady is a newby to the scene, but a sweet sweet woman with a dominant streak a mile wide. Shes a big geek and our first visit was sitting and watching Dr Who. Top notch fun all around. I think at bare minimum I’ve made a great new friend. If all goes right maybe more.

 

Am I a fool in that part of me hopes my big scary dragon will sneak out of nowhere and come back to me to sweep me off my feet? I think I am.

inspiration

I moved last weekend. It wore me out for the week. It's been a lot of stress, moving and dealing with the breakup adaptation. But I feel like my brain is finally starting to work again. So big plus there.
Now if I could stop taking the things everyone says personally.

I know it's silly, but I have been weird the last few weeks in that I take everyone's statements or frustrations as a personal hurt. I blame myself for a lot at random. I think its misplaced guilt.

On the bright side I have an amazing new apartment. Complete with amazing new stove. WEEEEE.

An old letter day

http://tumblingkadri.tumblr.com/post/5790208698/an-old-letter-day

It was a letter. It slipped out of a box, I forgot all about. When I read it today, it all came back.

You gave it to me with a gift in May, 09.. A collar. A collar of my very own, not denoting anyone else, just me, for play or peace. Every submissive or slave should have a collar, owned or no, you told me after I read the letter. I hugged you, and cried, and thanked you. You must have felt so special in and of yourself. So full of yourself you were. The grand high Mistress of your own fiction, and I believed all of it. Every line you fed me I took in. And this letter just made it seem even more real. There are some truths in it, some truths I hold dearly. The lies I hold in contempt, you heartless coward.  

Truths wrapping lies in this letter, this filthy beautiful letter. I loved you, as someone who could be a friend for life. I loved you as a lover. And I hate that I still love you, just a little, when I read these truths mixed with lies. 

Kadri

I give this to you as a friend, a reminder that no matter where you end up or who you end up with, the choice to give up control should always be in your hands.

Know that I'll always support you and help you to be safe... though not so safe that you don't have any fun...

It belongs to you... that control, and now no one can take it away from you without you giving it up first.

Your Friend

YOU

Did you really mean it? Or was it a game for you already, manipulations wrapped in philosophy. A pretty smile, a stern guiding hand, and a cold black heart. Maybe one day I'll forgive you, and maybe then your wounds wont hurt so much. 

*Names changed to protect the innocent and the guilty*

Life goes on

 

So I suppose I should mark it in here, the log of my journey that life has taken a dramatic change. After months of communication woes, and consultation with my friends, I realized last week that my relationship with my Dragoness was still taking leaps of one step forward one step back and I was finding myself emotionally distraught whenever she was absent. Even with the valiant efforts she’s taken recently, implementing rules and trying to add more D/s to our relationship itself, it just wasn’t enough.

I’m not sure if this makes full sense, that I called it off. It’s fairly clear I love her like a fat kid loves cake. Seeing her smile lights up my world. She knows it, and I know it. But she saw it coming and was more worried about my feelings. Really, it was a kindness, in that she talked me through the breakup, once I got out that the distance doesn’t work for me with the way we communicate, and then began to cry. She showed me the care and heart that brought us together in the first place, making sure I was okay, and that we would stay close and asking again and again if I would be alright. It sure felt like I was being let down easy, not being the one initiating a breakup. She's a sweet beautiful woman, and If one day we find ourselves together again, in an in person situation, I’ll be quite glad to try again. Until then we will stay close.

 

It’s going to be hard, but I will continue on with my life. All weekend I’ve felt pained to know I’m alone. But I still keep trying to keep myself going. I see the new day start and realize there will be good in it. It’s not the first relationship that I’ve had to end, and it wont be the last. Time marches on.

the jerk

 

 

Ever get the feeling that no matter what you do youre going to be fucking up somehow. Either you aren’t getting what you need out of a situation, or youre screwing someone over. I’ve felt like that all week.

 

I need some rum.

 

http://tumblingkadri.tumblr.com/post/5440510118/jerkery

it rules

Okay, the best thing happened today;

Just as im feeling a little unloved today, randomly the Dragoness messages me and tells me I have a new standing order set! The new rule is each day I am to send her a reminder before i go to bed of taking daily pills, what tommorows weather is, and to do her wow daily. I feel so useful all of a sudden.
Totally begging for more rules