If it’s not yours don’t touch it

In kink culture there is one great big expectation that we often forget to talk about; being polite and respectful. Say please and thank you.  If something is not yours, ask to touch it, if someone has not given you permission to touch them or get in their space, don’t do that either! Respect the comfort zones of both people and their partners.  It’s not rocket science but it astounds me how incredibly disrespectful some members of the community will chronically behave, after repeated warnings and communication.

I’m going to just say it out right because it needs to be said.

Touching someone without their consent is not okay!

Touching other people’s partners without their collective consent is also not okay.

Getting in someone's personal space without consent is not okay.

Basically non consensual kink activities in general, not okay, and that should be more clear! Budding in or interfering in someone else's scene or power exchange, very much disrespectful and possibly dangerous.

If someone declines your invitation to do kinky things with them, its not acceptable to be act offended by the fact that they decline. If they are rude about, that you can be offended by. But consent is sacred and everyone’s right.

Another one I'm seeing more and more okay, engaging someone with sexual or power titles without consent is also not alright.  Titles mean many things to many people, and are sometimes sacred to a relationship. Its entirely acceptable to indicate someone is their partner’s ___title___ but to address them as such without indication that that’s okay can be incredibly disrespectful. And expecting someone else to engage you with a title is equally disrespectful. I see it a lot more online. Just calling a friend or even a stranger Mistress or Master for example without them being alright with it will ruffle some big feathers. And expecting someone to call you X title and being offended when they are not comfortable doing so makes you look like a giant asshole. Oh, and excuse me Grand High Vampire of the Golden Lands for expecting every sub out their to read your mind that you expect to be called that by them for some reason. Maybe you need to relax your pride just a little bit and remember you are both human beings with equal rights on this planet.

 

I’ve been holding off on this rant for a few months but after some things that really bothered me recently, I’ve realized it is long overdue. At a party I was at I saw several cases of very unsolicited non-consensual touches. From unasked for uncomfortable hugs to grabbing of someone else's body without consent struck me as something that is too easily dismissed.

A few months ago I met a new person at a munch. Not new to town, new to kink in general. She identified as a switch and seemed to be leaning towards the dom side. She was shy and nervous and rather kind. I had polite chat welcoming her to the community and later befriended her on fetlife. As she was welcomed into the community and stacked her friends list, her shyness wore off. The next two times I saw her, she aggressively attempted in one form or another to try to exert non-consensual dominance over me, getting into my personal space. I’m not going to go into details here, although I did publish my second warning letter to her on tumblr out of sheer frustration earlier in the summer. Because the awkward moments involved unsolicited body contact from her, very domineering and objectifying statements towards both myself and my partner.

Now by the third incident we were both rather leery. At a munch she attempted to force herself upon me with an unasked for forceful hug, ignoring my verbal warning to not touch me, requiring me to physically dislodge her from me, nearly shouting for her to stop and back off before she desisted. This is not okay.

 

This sort of bullshit is not acceptable behaviour and yet I’ve seen it more and more in the community both at home and across the internet to many of us. Be aware. Be informed. Know what you are within your rights to deny consent to. If someone fucks up with this, but owns up to it, learns from their mistake, then great, lets accept them respectfully into the community and let them earn trust. But if someone just keeps on fucking up after being warned, then be aware and warn others. Its not okay in any other community to violate the consent of others, and it sure as fuck isn’t okay in the kink community. And anyone who tells you otherwise might just be fucking dangerous.

 

End Rant

It’s okay to wear clothes, REALLY

I have a rant post this month. Actually I have a really angry rant post I’ve been saving up until my temper cools, thus the lack of blogging, but that will come later. For now though, a rant.

The alt community is comfortable, its so comfortable, its overly encouraging of comfort. There is nothing wrong with having a limit to your own comfort zone, I assure you. It’s important to respect the comfort zone of others, and yourself. In most cases this works quite well. My kink is my kink but if its not your kink that’s okay. It’s pretty standard.

Why does that standard not extend to nudity. I am a pretty kinky guy and am fairly comfortable in the nude amongst people I am extremely comfortable with, in private. Generally if it’s someone I am comfortable being naked around it’s also someone I’m comfortable seeing naked.  Otherwise if someone is nude around me, and it’s an acceptable standard of the setting, I politely avoid taking notice of the nudity and respect their right to be nude. And if in fact the amount of uncomfortable nudity in said situation starts to outweigh my comfort zone, I find a way to politely vacate from that event or location.

For the life of me though, I can’t get others in my extended social sphere to get this when they try time and time again to convince me how much fun I will have with them at the nude beach, where many naked strangers go. I even gave them a chance once, and went, on the condition I could keep my shorts on if I wanted to. I did, and suffered no end of comments and requests to remove my shorts. As predicted there were many other people there, strangers, all very nude, and in that environment I felt vulnerable, and uncomfortable. The fact that strangers very unfamiliar to me were naked would not have bothered me, if my naked companions had not been making a regular very big deal out of everyone's state of undress.

I have been at smaller parties where nudity or semi-nudity has been encouraged as well. And they were very comfortable environments for me, so i was able to take part in some degree of nudity for the play portion. And those at these parties who remained clothed at all times weren’t questioned for it. That is part of why I was so comfortable at my choice to disrobe when appropriate.

My point is having clothing optional situations, parties, events, beaches, etc, is fantastic. But depending on the environment, time, setting, or even mood, not everyone is going to be into being nude. Let’s respect each person’s choice on clothing, in either direction, just as we would respect someone's choice to take part in any other activity. And if we don’t make much of an issue of it, there might just be more people comfortable, and possibly naked.

It’s all Relative

 

I’ve been meaning to make this post for a while now. Life has been busy though and I haven’t had a chance. It’s relevant to me and many I know, and it might just be relevant to you too.

It might not happen everywhere, but I know here, there is a real multi-generational kink community. You get to know people young and old and connect with many different perspectives. One of the side effects is, occasionally you find out people you already knew outside of kink, are kinky. Some of those times, its a family member.

There are certain things that go with this. Mainly, are you out to that family member and if not, are you going to be out now? If not, then you’re going to probably have a good reason, ie: a trust issue or a negative relationship. If that's the case then you will have to be pretty careful and give your social interactions in the community a lot of care. You’re going to want to create a game plan in case you are outed to them, because odds are it will happen.

I’ve seen this play out with a friend of mine who has an aunt in the community, once they discovered each other, my friend simply held to her pre-established cover of being a kink friendly person who has many friends in the community. That somehow kept judgement and negativity to a minimum, and privacy protected

I’ll add the disclaimer that the fact people need to worry about negativity and judgement from other kinksters within the community, says something worrisome about our hypothetically open and embracing community. And if you have a family member with that much of a problem in communication, trust, or judgement, perhaps something should be done about that just in the spirit of healthy relationship with family.

On the other side of the coin, you have a family member, you are out to each other, great. But it’s not so simple as going about your business for many, because just how open and up front with your kink do you want to be with someone who youre connected with on familial terms?

This is where the important rule of thumb comes to mind “Establish Boundaries and Communicate Them.” When my father and I outed ourselves to each other, we established clear communication. We can talk about kink in general, d/s philosophies, or our relationships with our partners just like any friend, however, we will not share sex+ play information, and we will not be witness to the other in any play at any parties we happen to attend. So in that I gained a trusted friend in the community who happens to be a family member, but I also dont get creeped out, and neither does he.  It’s awkward as fuck to establish those boundaries, but it sure beats assuming.

Others I know that have more distance need from their kink+ relatives alternate events, and make sure to plan around who's going to what. On the other hand I’ve seen families that share fetwear, so really, its all about how comfortable everyone is. Communicate, communicate, communicate (Unless you cant because of something awful).

Dress Rehearsal

So, new to playing? Want to do a real in person beginning, middle, end, aftercare, bdsm scene? Totally afraid its going to go wrong? Not sure what to expect?

Or maybe it’s not your first rodeo, but your partner is still pretty new. Or maybe you’ve been at it a while and you want to try a new style of play. In any case,  you might not be sure of the best approach to take with your big scene.

Why not rehearse? I mean people practice with toys and tricks and techniques, so why not practice together?  Going through a scene together before actually playing it is a great way to learn for beginners and new play mates.

Is it a standard practice? No. Should it be? In my opinion yes. Optional? Of course. As long as the scene’s content is not one entirely composed of surprises, you can skip the surprise twists when going through a walk through. Instead, just go through a walk through. “Here’s what we can do” with where one might play, what sort of expectations you both have in certain play actions, what might be useful from both perspectives, and any other observations and feedback you can give each other before you play will make for a lot more comfort going into the scene.

I say “Dress Rehearsal” because many have clothes/costumes they wear for play or for a scene. Keep in mind though playing in any special clothing, costumes, or outfit is not at all necessary. It is true though that it can help many get into a head space for power exchange. In addition, many have certain fetishes for materials or specific wardrobe items, that will help with the scene. So much like a theatrical dress rehearsal, kink rehearsal can be also in costume.

Having a pre planned checklist is a great planning tool, and I recommend that too. But this takes it one step further, because there are things that you'll observe in play that you wont observe in a checklist. Rehearsing might give you a bit more forethought of it, and an advantage in avoiding potential surprise disasters when its a new playmate or style.

Ultimately the big advantage is helping alleviate anxiety about “what will this be like?” I have helped a few new to kink, dominants learn to play by going through the breakdown of a  basic scene with them. I don’t claim to be any kind of expert or teacher, but I sure have found that a brand new top can be just as scared as a brand new bottom. Learning a simple breakdown or tutorial really takes the pressure off.

Some other msc perks include getting to know the layout of the playspace you’re working with, getting more comfortable with the idea of power exchange for fun, as well as active brainstorming.

A practice scene, at the end of the day, won’t work for everyone. Perhaps it would be entirely counter to how you approach your play. But if it could work for you, then give it a go. I hope it helps! Remember, practice makes perfect.

For Shame; A response

 

On Tumblr, I received a very pointed comment after my previous blog about shaming. At first I was very offended at a perceived intolerance and repression. Upon taking a breath and a reread I realized its a statement born of ignorance, perhaps even of shame. Rather than be rude and engage in an argumentative tone, I’ve written a strongly worded rebuttal. The following is the comment, followed by my response.

 

NO DUDE

WE DON’T NEED TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE

Just because everyone is telling their mother, father, coworkers and friends all about their furry fetish/bisexuality/vore/otherkin doesn’t mean you need to as well.

Unnecessary drama. If they find out, so they find out. No biggie, just look them in the eye and be cool with who you are. Doesn’t necessarily mean you should be screaming it from rooftops.

Same with something like being gay. If they see youre dating a dude, thats how theyll ‘find out’ - no need for dramatic movie inspired ‘coming out’ sessions that you can later blog about.

 

 

You picked an awfully interesting thread to reblog in order to tell me not to share or be open about who I am.

I am going to choose to believe that the inflammatory statement was meant respectfully. So I will tell you I respectfully disagree. I believe those of us who are not hetero-normative have just as much right to be who we are, and even be flamboyant about it as a hetero normative individual.

I will further state that part of why I blog about the topics I do, as with many of the thousands of other kink lifestyle bloggers, or other alt lifestyle bloggers, out of exploration, support, and understanding. This is not to scream from conceptual rooftops, but to build conceptual houses

I am finally going to point out that "sex life" and sexual or romantic identity and orientation are entirely different concepts. I rarely blog about my "sex life," and at the end of the day am somewhat private about the intimate details.

So I will thank you for sharing your outlook and bid you good day!

Kink Shame; Part 1 Sub Shame

So I’ve talked before about dealing with guilt or shame feelings within a d/s atmosphere. It’s rough to deal with negative feelings, especially the ones that can eat at you for a long time. Today though I want to talk about a related topic. Shame thrust upon we, the kinky.

I've noticed a trend, ever since the understanding of slut-shaming came into the mainstream, it was hard to miss. Kink-shaming is a huge thorn in the side of the community, and it comes from within and without. There are a lot of negative connotations about being kinky thrown at us, usually related to misconceptions and assumptions about morals and sexual expressions. It’s ridiculous and mostly founded in ignorance.

Most of what I’ve seen can be categorized as negativity towards submission, domination, or specific fetishes. Today I’m going to talk about sub shaming.

 

I am a submissive person, to put it simply. I am very proud of this sexual orientation, as a part of who I am. So on a personal note, it irks me to no end when the ignorant or insecurities of others inspire cruelty towards my sense of understanding in romance, and sexuality.

Simply put, there is a chaotic load of shit being said on an irregular basis by people in and out of the community equating submissive people as weak, stupid, cowardly, or even believe it or not suffering from a psychological disability . It is hurtful, ignorant and wrong. It causes a lot of hurt and even damage to those targeted. And I implore the world around us, to stop the shaming.

A lot of it can be blamed on the media, misconceptions of victimization as an effect of d/s activities are far too common. And of course for those who do not have a power orientation, the need to express oneself through submission is very hard to understand or conceptualize. Negative imagery surrounding it, especially combined with the cathartic fantasies we explore can provide a poor interpretation if there is no context.

Rather than attack the kink shamers (as my friend Stabbity would say, I’m too nice for something like that), I’m going to put the truth to the lies.

An incredibly common myth is that submissive people are weak. Now I'm not saying there aren’t weak people who happen to be submissive. But to be able to yield ones power to those you trust, is by its very nature a feat of strength. It requires a great deal of understanding, trust, and faith to say “Here, here is what I have. I’m letting you be both in charge of yourself, and in charge of me in this capacity. All that makes me strong, I'm going to fuel you with it.” Now granted not all submissive acts are epic on that scale, but you get the point I’m sure. The fact that many submissive people get enjoyment at playing at being weak or powerless, well there are many erotic or psychological reasons that that is fun or cathartic, but at the end of the day its playing. I can play a spy in a role play game, that doesn't mean I work for MI6,

And then we have the myth of submissives being stupid. Frankly, people have varied level of intellect. The very idea that this would affect ones orientation in any direction is ridiculous at best. The fact is, great and moving acts of submission require intelligence and wisdom. Complex tasks, anticipation of needs, foresight, and understanding when giving emotional support, all best when met with great intelligence. It doesn't matter who someone is in personal orientation, intelligence only furthers the human experience.

Cowardly… Cowardly… really? How does the logic on that one work. These people who rush headlong into their fears, face them with gritted teeth, challenge the fire around them… cowardly? Taking on great challenges in ones own life is something I see in submissive people on a regular basis. And this could vary, but in my experience if you want to see a brave person who forgets their fears, find a submissive party who has just learned of a threat to their partner. The fearless fury I've seen in some of my submissive friends when it comes to protecting the people in their lives is inspirational.

And now we reach a fallacy that offends me dearly. I'm going to big point out that its incredibly demeaning to both submissive folks and those who are differently abled by creating an accusatory connection. First off, there are many people about us who suffer from different psychological disabilities. They are people, just like you or me, and should not be recipient to prejudice. Secondly, it has nothing to do with their sexual or romantic orientation. And thirdly, it so happens  there are people who  have a mental disability and are, submissive. I have a friend who happens to be very open about being mentally disabled, and is a lovely wonderful submissive person. What do these two factors have to do with each other in her life? Absolutely nothing. It has no more connection than someone both being tall, and liking fried chicken. I am so in awe of my friend, able to express who she is, happily, and proud. She walks tall, regardless of the worlds ignorance about who she is, and has to deal with a lot more bullshit prejudice about her disability than she ever will about being kinky. And she does not give a damn about either anymore. She feels life is to short to give a damn about small minded people. One day I might walk half as tall as her.

 

So to my fellow submissive friends (bottoms, switches, and all other roles in that side of the spectrum too), I say this to you. Walk tall! For we need not listen to the ignorant bullies of the world. You are terrific people, and deserve to live free of shame.

Legitimate Representation

 

SEX! It’s a pretty great thing. It makes for a great time. And toys. They are super fun. but… SEX AND TOYS ARE NOT WHAT BDSM IS ABOUT!

It’s really cool, when people spice up their sex life with kinky elements, and explore their kinks. And its terrific when people like playing with toys. And frankly, toys and sex make for some top quality BDSM.

I have a problem though, in that, this misconception exists that BDSM simply means being into exciting sex, and/or lots of toys. The image that gets pushed forth that we, who are kinky, can be represented as just, eccentric sexual people.

FACT: BDSM can exist without sex or nudity

FACT: BDSM can exist without toys

FACT: BDSM to many of us is a lifestyle and orientation that deserves representation within the queer community as its own culture or subculture.

FACT: When we are relegated to being associated  ONLY with an act or accessory that can be used in conjunction with who we are, it HURTS!

I have many friends that I am out to. But I find even there it is misunderstood. Often the conversation will steer into a subject related to kink, and I will make a statement in relation to how subject affects me as relative to being a kinkster or a submissive, in a completely nonsexual fashion, and one of the members of the conversation will respond with a quick statement of modesty or worry that the conversation is suddenly a bit too sexual and has lost the seriousness of the topic. I will then have to explain the statement more carefully as to how it’s topically relevant. It doesn’t happen every time, but often enough that I start to feel like BDSM as a culture, is looked upon as the greater queer communities sideshow.

In part, it is our own fault, as we are pretty enthused about sex and toys. There are a lot of kink and BDSM contents on the web about sex, and sexuality, but not near enough about the romantic value, or communication tools. We need to create more positive educational content.

There are so many books out there with cultural content and philosophy related to power exchange, relationships and communication. And many internal forums for within the community. But a positive exchange of information with the mainstream queer culture needs to start happening. I urge my fellow kinksters, be a representative in kink friendly circles. Show what we are about, and show our legitimacy where you can.

Power exchange can take on so many forms. Bondage can be entirely nonsexual. Pain/sensation can be an expression of feeling and understanding. Structure of relationship format can be empowering and freeing. When these themes are explored by those people who are drawn to any of them, it makes for a legitimate expression of self in romance, intimacy or sex.

More so than that, many of us, regardless of sexuality, are oriented romantically to power. I know many nonsexual or even asexual beings who are top, bottom, dom, sub, switch, sadists, masochists, pet, keepers, slaves, masters,  etc. Because, for many of us its something we need. It’s who we are. Its about power, or pain, or just plain connection with other people on a primal level.  It’s NATURAL to us. It is who I am, and I am so proud of it.

Just to clarify, as I said to begin with, Sex is awesome. So are toys. So are sex toys for that matter. But so too, are intimacy, communication, understanding, sharing, and just being yourself. My point though, is that I’m just tired of my lifestyle being represented by that. So please, remember, BDSM or just kink in general, does not immediately mean Sex, or toys. To many of us, it really is, a part of who we are. And when we are belittled to just an act, IT HURTS!

maybe I try too hard

I'm just about to go to bed, and I got thinking. I had talked to the Dragoness a little earlyer tonight. It was nice, via text only. Hadnt heard from her yesterday so I was starting to wonder how she was doing. But good news for me was shes fine, just had been busy busy and slept in. So no need to worry.
Just tried to call her but shes busy yet again. I at first feel a little ignored when this happens, but then I stop myself. My subconscious impulse doesnt look at logic. Logically shes busy, and she even told me what shed be up to tonight in terms of doing some interior painting. After a few miliseconds (between ring number 3 and the voicemail pickup), all that logic kicked in and I felt good just to hear the voicemail message and leave a nice goodnight.

Ive reminded myself a lot the last month or so that I try a bit too hard. I'm very eager to please her, as she inspires me, and I go to great lengths to show her things, share with her, and be a genuine submissive source of love care and respect. But its a distance relationship, and we both have very busy lives. And the relationship, though full of d/s feelings and bits of play, is primarily vanilla thus far. I'm her first sub, and its a steep learning curve. So i try to be extra informative and helpful about that sort of stuff. And this is her first distance relationship, so working out our communication boundries had been tough. But my emotional brain seems to often forget this and try too hard, in turn expecting too much from her. I realize it quickly most of the time, especially upon hearing her voice or getting a message from her.  I'm going to work on these things. Trying not to try quite so hard and expect so much, and reacting less emotionally negative to bad timing.

On the up side of things I was able to do some searching around for information for Mistress earlyer tonight when we did text. She said I did good, and will be providing me with all the petting and headscratching I can take. I'd say I deserve to feel a bit cheered at this prospect.

I wont be able to update for a little while, though this is only update 2. I'm going on a trip for the weekend to see some family and not taking my laptop. So i'll try again next week.