spice it up with vanilla

 

Have you ever had a vanilla relationship? Have you done it as a kinky person? Because I have not, not since I learned what I need as far as a submissive. Yet here I stand before you, in the early days of a vanilla relationship, with a vanilla gal.

On that note, lets look at the term. vanilla is relative in my mind. Is there a specific line of not kinky enough to be absolutely vanilla? Or is it someone who is comparably less into kink stuff than the average lifestyler. Just as someone being “kinky” is pretty relative depending on who's asking.

So in the last few months I’ve gotten to know a young woman who comes to the local munch's. She’s funny, artistic, and very intelligent in conversation. She has one little quirk though. She identifies as “vanilla”. I call her a rebel for it, and adore it in her. She’s as kinky as many out there in the way she thinks and has little dominant style personality traits, but she doesn’t like to identify with labels like that. I have a lot of respect for that.

 

Furthermore, we’re exploring a relationship based on contemporary structure, the old girlfriend boyfriend scenario. It’s odd and refreshing for me. I haven’t had a contemporary relationship in a long time. It’s so nice to just concentrate on the get to know you and not be looking at things like dominant and submissive needs. I mean yeah, there are little quirks to it, and those needs do sorta show themselves. But me being me, I’m letting her set the pace and its just the basics for now. I rather love it. How will it go? Only time will tell.

Work on the solution, not the problem

 

This isn’t a particularly kink related subject, but I think its something a lot of sub’s I know can identify with.

Right now I am stressed. Not as stressed as yesterday or the day before, but still stressed enough that it has me rather distracted. I had some irritating stuff happen at my work the other day. stuff that effected business and required going to the big manager, as my supervisor is on vacation. It got fixed, taken care of, etc. But here i was still worried that when i go back into work tommorow my supervisor is going to be irritated with me for how it was handed. Everyone is touchy and it typically boils down to office politics whenever anything bad happens. Because im a bit too empathetic ive anticipated everyone being grouchy and for some reason it got to me. combine that with lack of sleep and i found myself obsessing over it.

When I woke up this morning I realized my touchy stomach and nervous demeanour is caused by the stress itself, and worrying about the stress in and of itself. The more worried about the situation I got the more stressed I became, because the elements are out of my control. Sometimes I have trouble accepting the world around me as being elements out of my control that once influenced one way I can no longer influence. But the more stressed I became about that, the more worried i felt, and I began to notice “oh no I’m stressed that's bad” and it became stress for the sake of stress.

I realized today, after a full nights sleep a bit of processing i am not quite so stressed about things. But as I got wondering if i’m diong okay, if things are resolved, I started worrying about worrying, stressing about stress, again. The issue itself isn’t quite such an issue. It’s a matter of the overthinking. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own brains that we forget to live, to breath to relax.

There are more important things in life than just stressing out, and I need to relax and realize that. It’s going to be okay

Heck this situation that started the whole thing is relatively minor, and I’ve been in way more stressful situations than this. Overall i had a pretty terrific weekend too. I think I’m pretty lucky to have the friends I do and the ways to savour life that I get.

So now Im just focusing on the solution, relaxation, zen, accepting the universe is something I cannot monumentally change and that I just need to live within it.

D/s and spiritual conflict

Warning todays blog has to do with controversial topics. You might already have definitive thoughts on this issue and I mean no offense to anyone.

I am a spiritualist. I have faith. You might even say I’m a Christian… (Did he just say that? Maybe he’s crazy? Wait, is he going to quote scripture, this is creepy. Let’s leave). No, not that type of Christian, I am not a dogmatist. I just happened to be raised catholic so that was my first faith to understand, since then I’ve experienced many other outlooks and just consider myself someone of faith and spirituality.

 

Why bring this up? Because I think there aren't enough people in the bdsm community or alternative sexuality community willing to say “I believe in something greater.” Or admit to spiritual beliefs/philosophy's at all. More pressing, it seems like it’s discouraged to do so. Being alternative in nature seems to imply within and without the community that we will be either atheist, or very agnostic. The exception to this rule is that in some sectors of the bdsm community energy play and manipulation, allowing for a belief and connection to cosmic energy seems to be accepted.

 

My biggest point today is this. If you have beliefs, of a spiritual nature, you have every right to them. You should be who you are, body mind and soul.   Take that with you, in your relationships, and even in your dungeon ethics. It is okay to be who you are and to believe in God/Allah/The great potato/Zues/Gaia/etc however you like. Its an inherent human right and I dont think human rights ever stop in the dungeon. If they do… thats a whole different rant.

 

That being said I also encourage you to find a way to accommodate your sexuality with your spirituality, and not in a repressive way. If you have an open mind and are focused on positivity you can find an accommodation for kink and sexuality in pretty much every spiritual philosophy sphere.

 

The reason I was inspired to this topic? Recently I had to make a spiritual ethical choice, and am glad I had the strength of will to do it.

Story time:

Because I like meeting new people, and am on the hunt for Mistress/Master right, I interact with folks on kink sites, make new friends etc. Well I had been talking to this lovely female dominant and she happened to mention she uses this certain online program, a forum-group for female dominants and male submissives. She told me I was a total fit for it, and should check it out. So I did and it was total hard-core femdom D/s protocol philosophy. I have seen that before and know it isn’t something I can identify with as a constant 24/7 thing, but it can be fun for certain people, or even to slip into that sort of mindset for fantasy. (Keep in mind that fantasy kink play so far from the real world that it can make other kinksters uncomfortable can only go so far, and is only good in certain settings).

At this point I knew, that any explorations down that particular rabbit hole would only be good for fun, or for better understanding of playing in higher protocol situations/relationships. I love to learn though, and to understand, and to add to my skillset as a submissive, so I took a gamble and joined their “program” at her recommendation. It was pretty cool too, exchanging ideas, being very protocoled, being talked to in a way to keep me in “my place.” It was a fun headspace at first. And then something happened, they (there are a lot of people involved in and running this operation so I’ll say they) gave me some new rules. One of the new rules was a daily ritual. I was required to squat, or fall to my knees, and masturbate for 15 minutes while exercising my tongue and chanting this somewhat degrading oath. The oath was about me being low and unworthy, and serving superior women. It was a pretty degradation heavy act, that glorified the female doms to a point of excess. To top it off, this exercise was called “Worship”.

Well I did it because I was in my “I want to please” mindset. It wasnt a very good feeling I felt afterwards. In fact it felt a little like revulsion. I felt a bit disgusted with myself. This was not because I was some hypothetically unworthy male, but because I had performed an act in the name of kink that was ritualistic to the point it actually imitated worship of a divine power. I sat and thought about the philosophies this protocol system and program preached and realized it came pretty close to making the dominants into god-like figures. They were pretty darned serious about it too. To these women it seemed like any other way of doing d/s was wrong. That’s when It hit me, they are calling it worship for that very reason.

Now I have nothing against playing at the goddess/god thing that some people get into. I mean heck, The pharaohs in Egypt were pretty big into that. It just does not turn my crank, and if taken seriously it offends my spiritual philosophies.  The fact that in this case, it was snuck up on me, seemed non-consensual and gave me the feeling of a cult-like trap.

I did something I don’t do very often regarding kink issues, and I sat and prayed for guidance. I then did a bit of meditation, channelling good energy, feeling better about myself and the universe around me.

I decided I was going to politely resign from their little program, but not in a hostile way. Instead, for the hope of their future considerations for people I would share what i felt and why I was going to walk away from these new friends. I wrote them an email (copy at bottom).

I have nothing against these individual people, just how they went about sharing their philosophy. I hope that my feedback will curve future issues like this for them too. I have a few issues aside from this one with how they go about things and taking themselves too seriously, but that's a rant for another day, or another blog. My friend Stabbity covered people pushing their fantasies a bit too seriously quite well with this little number http://www.notjustbitchy.com/?p=102 .

Be true to yourself. If something leads you to feel like you cant look yourself in the eye without feeling spiritually wrong, then either the actions or your spiritual outlook needs to be examined (maybe both). Kink and sexual growth will lead us down many roads. There will be lots of neat things to try and explore. But remember, it’s okay to have limits and walk away from things that arent cool with us. Spiritual comfort zones are just as valid as physical/emotional ones.  In this case I was strong enough to remember my own limits, and beliefs, and do what is right for me by turning them down.

It’s my hope that if you run into a spiritual conflict, you too will be able to do what is right for you.

 

 

 

The following is an edited version of the letter, identities and names removed for anonymity.

“ Dear People in charge of the FEMDOMWEBSITE ;

I thank you for the time you have put into me, and the knowledge I have been getting out of the program, and it is with sadness that I must resign from it. I do not make this decision lightly, and feel I owe you the respect of an explanation.

The theme keeps coming up at which the philosophy of the FEMDOMWEBSITE puts dominant females at a level comparative to the divine, and that has given me cause to severe discomfort. It is entirely natural for me to view dominants as above me, superior, and submit myself to their guidance and care, but to place that superiority on par with God/Divinity has left me steadily more and more uncomfortable. I am a very spiritual boy, and that's a big core of who I am. After finishing the Starter assignment I was left with a feeling of unease, that the "worship" felt far too much like actual spiritual worship with an added sexuality to it.

It has made me very uneasy as I can give my Mistress my body, and the love of my heart, but my soul is for She/He/It of the divine (God/Allah/the great spirit etc).

Because of how far this has pushed my spiritual comfort zone I have spent some time on prayer/meditation. I feel that perhaps it is just me personally, in the amount of energy I put into my spiritual self, that I cannot remove it from the actions and interpretations of the philosophy here. Perhaps other boys are better able to separate those portions of self.

Having examined my options though, I feel it is my best interest to resign from the FEMDOMWEBSITE as of today. If I cannot be comfortable spiritually with what I do in this form of submission, then it is not for me.

I bare you all no Ill will though, and respect you greatly for what you are doing. I thank you for the time you spent on me, and hope you all find the boys that you are looking for, to serve you with devotion and obedience, in full comfort.”

Simple mistakes… and monumental fuckups

So last weekend a good friend of mine and I made some special cookies. We made some very good special cookies. It was a very fun evening leading to some zany antics. Being stoned will often energize me, and I needed to set my sleep cycle forward because this week I'm working some evening shifts and then 3 graveyard shifts. Being stoned will also drop my inhibitions and without them, my submissive side flares to life big time. When I say that I shouldn't be incredibly stoned unsupervised, I’m only half joking.

Right now I'm between the evening shift and the graveyard shift so I thought it would be a good time to write. I've had several hours to kill since work got out at 11pm, and about 16 hours until my next shift at 11pm today.

So anyway, the next day, mid afternoon, I’m awake and exploring the world…. while still very much high. At this point I fall into the interest of one of my favourite personals sites, collar-me. It is a favourite because there are hilarious strange and delirious kinky folks on there, as well as a few rare fascinating people I occasionally befriend (including the my dear former Mistress, referred to in previous posts often as my Dragoness).

Whilst strolling through collar-me I came across the profile of a very interesting dominant lady who happened to be online that very moment. She was in California but looking for online connections to submissives. The profile was shiny and red with big scary black letters. She talked about how she is seeking to find someone to control, and enjoy and be served by monumentally. She listed several great d/s techniques she enjoyed, that I can personally attest to being fun and amusing in my previous experiences. And in the profile she says just to contact her on yahoo. In my herbalistic state everything was beautiful, and this woman sounded like a fascinating human being, and even a bit evil (which I’m very attracted to when uninhibited).

So as I lacked any foresight or ability to see it going badly, I contacted her. She was very nice and to the point. I had said I found her profile fascinating, or some sort of honest flattery. She had replied matter-of-factly with no surprise. I didn’t really even get a chance to offer friendship before she began taking a dominant tone, seeing me as a potential suitor. For the record, this was not her fault, as in my state I was as bubbly and subby as ever and probably came off like someone desperate for domination. And as I was giddy and subby, I was more than pleased when she took a tone of “this is how its going to be” asking me to do something for her, and questions, to test whether she would take me on as her online subby. Well at this point it sounded like so much fun, and oh boy i love having a dominant. It was like finding out i get to go to Disneyland and not actually leave my living room. So I totally subscribed to her favourite website for 20 bucks, and i totally ended up reading this laundry list of rules she likes her subs to follow (all 20+ of them). It was all very exciting, and dramatic, and a little protocoled as I was made to call her Queen. For the remaining 4 hours or so before I sobered up wow what a wonderful time it was.

Then I sobered up and realized… yeah, I’m pretty sure I just walked into a very casual online d/s dynamic with a stranger. And the sense of logic came back. I don’t know this woman. I have no intent to be in a d/s relationship without any other substance to it. And I spent money to impress her? WOW talk about dumb of me. And then I realized worst of all; unintentionally or not, I misled this woman. Whatever her motives in having a harem of online submissive men, she believed I was happily committing to her flock, and It’s very clear that an apology is necessary. It was definitely not her fault that i get both very friendly and very submissive when stoned, and impulsively decided to say hi.

Do you ever have one of those sober up moments that comes with a few quick life lessons? Because that was a big one for me.

So we live and we learn. I now know for the future: Never get stoned and contact strangers on the internet from personals sites. Never pull out my credit card to do a favour for someone while very high. I also have been reminded that my inhibition around just being openly subby is there for a reason. I’m proud to be a submissive person, but its awfully dangerous to let my guard down and just be vulnerable to the universe. Its a gift to be reserved for a select few, and not to be tossed around. Like many good things, it can be dangerous in abundance.  So though this idiotic little anecdote is embarrassing, it serves as a lesson for me. And hopefully it serves as a lesson for my single sub friends out there too.

leash express 2.0

 

 

Today marks a new thing for me. I'm expanding. I only have a handful of readers and a few people I know like wordpress, a few others like blogspot. At first I was told blogspot is the way to go, so I created my blogspot blog and got bloggering away. Following this I saw the appeal of wordpress as well. As a result I'm DOUBLEFISTING MY BLOG. That's right, now you can get kadri's unleashed expression at two locations. The original http://leashexpress.blogspot.com , and the new and shiny http://leashexpress.wordpress.com.

At this juncture I'm going to use them both, and it's going to be fun and full of words accessible to all (and still as easy to get at with googlereader).

Kinky and Queer

 

Tonight the good folks of Sagacity are hosting their usual Esoteric Exchange and the topic is kinky and queer. It got me to thinking and I decided i would write a post on the subject.

I am queer. I consider myself queer for multiple reasons. The foremost of which, is I’m kinky. Being a submissive masochist slave pet etc. … it means to me being different enough in my sexuality from the average mainstream of western society that I can qualify as queer.

I am also pansexual, in my gender sexual orientation. That's a secondary though, as I consider submissive to be half the equation of my sexual orientation. Its a sort of caveat in that I am attracted to all genders, but not all levels of personality. Specifically I am attracted to and sexually interact with people who have some level of dominance to them, and an appealing personality to them.

That being said, being kinky, or being queer in the traditional sense, are both things that are not easy. Generally because of stigmas and stereotypes of what’s acceptable for sexuality. Having an alternative sexual orientation of any kind usually involves being in one closet or another. The closet sucks. There are people in my closer circles of friends or trusted family that know I'm a “little kinky” but not that I'm pansexual, nor that I’m submissive, and explaining more than they know will somehow hurt their opinion of me or our relationship and that is ridiculous.

My big brother for instance, he is a sweet guy. I love him to bits. But he's a homophobic bigot of idiotic renown and sometimes I’ve wanted to out myself to him just in rebellious irritation. I know that if one day I bring a man home I’m going to really risk my relationship with him though, and so, despite my wondering if he suspects I'm not straight, I let him go on assuming I'm entirely straight. It doesn’t bother me that much, as I generally date women, but I wonder if in fact it’s relationships like this that keep me from taking more effort into getting involved with men more often. On the same token, if I tell him that in my relationships with these “kinky girls” I’m actually the one on the receiving end of things, he would not be so keen to ask me about my last “girlfriend” and in fact be a bit more judgemental.

Frankly I am so sick of this alpha male behaviour box that we beta males get pushed to need to fit into, and more so with the homophobia push still alive and well. I’ll never be that straight alpha male dominant personality, and the moment I realized all that my life got to be a hell of a happier place. I just really wish that all the people close to me that are neither queer nor kinky could accept me for exactly who I am, or at least an intelligible wavelength of it.

That set of stereotype boxes continues in that… people often accept me as being kinky, only once they understand I'm pansexual. I’ve had friends who change their attitudes on my outing myself as kinky, when I then out myself as not heterosexual. they seemed so much more comforted by the fact that I’m not a straight kinky person, because they like the traditional queer culture and community. How does not being straight make it more acceptable to be kinky in peoples minds? I don’t know the answer to this, and it worries me that so many in society can only embrace all of me. The worst part about this stereotype is that I need to use it as a defence mechanism at times. I need to be in the closet as far as kink goes, in regards to my career. I am very out as pansexual however as I work in a lgbt embracing hospitality industry. If I somehow let slip too much about my personal life in a moment of ill judgement, around a judgemental vanilla peer, I’ve caught myself shifting the conversation to queer community subjects and playing it off as part and parcel. It makes me a little ashamed when i think about it, but i suppose that's the danger of the closet in any form. It alienates one from themself to a degree.

Labels are for cans, not people. It shouldn’t matter if I'm heterosexual, homosexual, pansexual, bisexual or any sort of sexual, but our society puts so much into it. Just like the kink society puts so much pressure on your label of “slave versus sub” or dominant versus master” or any other sort of label making machine. We should be people first, regardless of our personal life and orientation, and accepted without fear of prejudice. But that’s a dream for another day i suppose.

On the upshot I want to talk about how cool my parents are. My dad is kinky, so he gets it completely and I have had some very nice conversations about the lifestyle with him. It’s really terrific. My mom is vanilla and very straight and has so much trouble adapting to change it makes me worry for her when plot twists happen in films. But bless her heart she's open minded. In the same month i came out to her as kinky and my sister as bisexual. I think she grew half a head of grey hair, just wrapping her head around it, but she accepted and embraced us for being different. The only reason I haven't told her I’m pansexual is fear of messing with her head more without need. I decided a while ago i’d wait till I had a male partner ongoing before I told mom, just so she’d have something tangible to connect with, rather than the concept.

I also want to say for a moment how nice it is that I have both female and male play partners, lovers, dominants, etc to choose from. Being pansexual is a real bonus in kink for widening the field over time. despite all the weird pitfalls of the closet and society on both concepts of kinky and queer, I’d like to think I'm pretty lucky to be exactly who I am. Aren’t you?

wedding bells

 

I’m getting a really nice vacation back in the interior, in a city that was my home for a long time. Today I was lucky to visit with my old play partner and her fiancé (and subby). These two women are a hoot, a bucket of fun and always a pleasant conversation and good time.

Dysmorphia, and her girl came out and enjoyed a dinner with my family (where I’m staying) and we had a really nice visit and meal. I’ve been friends with Dys for a long time and shes been out to my families home for big parties etc before. In fact my mother and grandmother are particularly fond of them. It was rather nice all in all. Afterwards the three of us went out for a visit with mutual friends and then a movie. We saw bridesmaids, in honour of their coming nuptials. Afterwards on their porch we talked about life, and their relationship and mine, and I walked away feeling awed. These two have it together.

Later this summer they will be getting married, and I’m lucky enough to be a brides’man (or groomsman or whatever you want to say in this case) for dys’s girl. It’s something Im very excited for.

The roundabout point of all this, is sometimes, young kinky people find love, and it works. Its bittersweet, and full of fights, and agonies and dramas, but somehow if people work, it somehow comes together. I was so concerned a year ago, as I would talk to them midway through a fight, or a near breakup, or a very emotional drama, and I would wonder how they could last. Sure enough though the next day or week they would be just fine. They would talk out their differences and move forward. Sure they aren't 24/7 d/s, and sure they aren't your typical couple either. But they have found a balance that works for them. Dys leads most of the time, but her girl will speak her mind and they sort shit out, as it happens, in real time. I realized as time went on its just an incredibly passionate relationship and thus will have sparks even in conflict. It’s beautiful really, and leaves me hope for myself and all of us