Legitimate Representation

 

SEX! It’s a pretty great thing. It makes for a great time. And toys. They are super fun. but… SEX AND TOYS ARE NOT WHAT BDSM IS ABOUT!

It’s really cool, when people spice up their sex life with kinky elements, and explore their kinks. And its terrific when people like playing with toys. And frankly, toys and sex make for some top quality BDSM.

I have a problem though, in that, this misconception exists that BDSM simply means being into exciting sex, and/or lots of toys. The image that gets pushed forth that we, who are kinky, can be represented as just, eccentric sexual people.

FACT: BDSM can exist without sex or nudity

FACT: BDSM can exist without toys

FACT: BDSM to many of us is a lifestyle and orientation that deserves representation within the queer community as its own culture or subculture.

FACT: When we are relegated to being associated  ONLY with an act or accessory that can be used in conjunction with who we are, it HURTS!

I have many friends that I am out to. But I find even there it is misunderstood. Often the conversation will steer into a subject related to kink, and I will make a statement in relation to how subject affects me as relative to being a kinkster or a submissive, in a completely nonsexual fashion, and one of the members of the conversation will respond with a quick statement of modesty or worry that the conversation is suddenly a bit too sexual and has lost the seriousness of the topic. I will then have to explain the statement more carefully as to how it’s topically relevant. It doesn’t happen every time, but often enough that I start to feel like BDSM as a culture, is looked upon as the greater queer communities sideshow.

In part, it is our own fault, as we are pretty enthused about sex and toys. There are a lot of kink and BDSM contents on the web about sex, and sexuality, but not near enough about the romantic value, or communication tools. We need to create more positive educational content.

There are so many books out there with cultural content and philosophy related to power exchange, relationships and communication. And many internal forums for within the community. But a positive exchange of information with the mainstream queer culture needs to start happening. I urge my fellow kinksters, be a representative in kink friendly circles. Show what we are about, and show our legitimacy where you can.

Power exchange can take on so many forms. Bondage can be entirely nonsexual. Pain/sensation can be an expression of feeling and understanding. Structure of relationship format can be empowering and freeing. When these themes are explored by those people who are drawn to any of them, it makes for a legitimate expression of self in romance, intimacy or sex.

More so than that, many of us, regardless of sexuality, are oriented romantically to power. I know many nonsexual or even asexual beings who are top, bottom, dom, sub, switch, sadists, masochists, pet, keepers, slaves, masters,  etc. Because, for many of us its something we need. It’s who we are. Its about power, or pain, or just plain connection with other people on a primal level.  It’s NATURAL to us. It is who I am, and I am so proud of it.

Just to clarify, as I said to begin with, Sex is awesome. So are toys. So are sex toys for that matter. But so too, are intimacy, communication, understanding, sharing, and just being yourself. My point though, is that I’m just tired of my lifestyle being represented by that. So please, remember, BDSM or just kink in general, does not immediately mean Sex, or toys. To many of us, it really is, a part of who we are. And when we are belittled to just an act, IT HURTS!

Engendered Affection

I’m pansexual, I see attraction across the gender spectrum. I've yet to have a romantic relationship with a cisgender male, but I feel like I’ve had a fair amount of experience interacting with different sides of said gender spectrum. Every sexual or romantic interaction will vary with different people, but recently I've learned it can vary with the same person, to delightful consequence

Recently I discovered there's something very different about my interactions with my current partner than past partners, or play partners, etc. My sweet chaos, though she identifies as female, is somewhat genderqueer, and has sides of herself that come out across the spectrum at times. She can be delightfully masculine, and gracefully feminine, or both at once. I’ve taken to calling her my boyfriend at times, because often we flip traditionally conceptual gender roles on their head.

I love it. It’s so delightful and freeing. It takes the “this is what a girlfriend is” and just breaks it. I’ve come to feel like I am getting the advantages of being with multiple people from different points on the gender spectrum, because she encompasses so many attributes. To pull out a very nerdy outlook; its sort of like dating a multiclass character in an rpg.

It’s really given me a chance though to appreciate just how cool it is to be pansexual, and have the chance to experience so many of the qualities I’m attracted to. Conceptually I understood the fluidity of gender identity and the associated attractions, but I’ve never had a chance to experience a fluid attraction all at once before.

It’s almost overwhelming. But more t the point, its rich. Much like when you taste an aged wine, and it has a variety of interwoven flavours that compliment each other and contrast across a wide spectrum. I know its a foodie geek sort of reference, but if you do not understand that one, then you should learn about wine because its awesome okay.

You are what you eat

So for the last few months my lovely partner has been sliding vegetables and healthier choices than I usually go for into the menu. Its been a very sweet way of her to show she cares and she's explained shed like to see me healthier.

A week or two ago we had a casual chat, in which I discovered she was getting more adamant in her desire to curb not only our shared meals, but my own private meals as well. We were grocery shopping, and she stopped me from buying something unhealthy, and looked at me, standing her ground and said “You don’t need it”

Since then I’ve come to find myself going into a mindset of subconscious will power, based on her want for me to adjust my diet. I feel so touched that she's taking a somewhat moderate push into an aspect of my life, completely of her own motivation and violation. I'm also proud of her, for standing her ground where she feels the need. I’m a lucky man to have her.

The last week I've been much more conscious of each meal I eat, even a bit afraid to eat the wrong thing, to the point where I’ve had to message her asking about my food decisions, as I flail on my own self made multiple choice test. And she's even actively told me “No” when I’ve gone to eat something disagreeable. I feel melted by her will about me, in the way it comes from her heart.

Its not big things that move me, but the power behind the little things. I will be healthy, for her, because she inspires me. Being this inspired for something arbitrary, is a sure delight

The Unconscious Submission

I've blogged recently upon my sense of submission to my girlfriend being earned by her nature and that I feel inspired where she does not expect it. It was really neat because i consciously noticed myself giving her more priority and attention. I wanted to be giving her this submissive energy and respect as she showed me just how humble and caring she is through her actions.

As such we have bonded and grown closer. She's become an intimate part of my every day. And our passive communication and intimacy have borne ongoing trust building, and mutual respect. Its gotten to the point where I don't think about what were doing, that we've built unconscious reaction to one another when we’re spending time together.

In that time I’ve expanded on my domestic service aspects, and examined more subtle and passive formats of d/s. The less attention getting fetish activities, and ways to feel safely not in control, without putting pressure upon her to actively reciprocate. And yet, there's the rub. She has reciprocated, in dozens of ways that she never notices. When I have poor decision making abilities, she's there and steps in with a choice for me. When I'm having will power issues, she has a firm hand to direct me. And when I feel erratic she soothes with confident direction to breath. Her hand in mine, my head on her shoulder, It didn't even occur to me just how deep intimate connections could grow without sexuality.

I was describing her to a new friend tonight, and as I was sharing these words describing what a deep relationship I've found myself in with my dear sweetheart, I realized just how deeply my sense of connection with her has grown. And I was describing it out loud how safe that my partner makes me feel to be so vulnerable that I realized that even subconsciously, she motivates me to give her whatever she can have of me. And she in turn pulls me in. Even without her in the room, this piece of my heart grows and grows.

It is a beautiful feeling, realizing that my heart can fall upon its knees, without my even knowing it. I don’t think it’s ever taken me by surprise this way before. Everyone should be able to feel their heart give and take of its own accord at least once in life.

The label-less feeling

I write a lot about kink topics, and feelings in power exchange, and of course about not relying too much on “labels” and definitive boxes in said topics. I still use them, we all do. Without definition we have no use of language after all. Its useful to have an evolving use of language is after all, in the ongoing journey to express ones self. Its just important not to get trapped in stigmas, and boxes, and behaviours expected based on words and personification of those labels.

I identify so many ways, in this realm, mostly under the umbrella of different submissive labels, depending on the circumstance, but there is so much more to me as a person than just that. Even in romance, there are so many sides to being in existence. And the last few months, being involved with someone who is foreign to relationships based on those labels, has opened up my mind to just how much one can really feel when they don't necessarily need to.

The other day it hit me, when I wandered into my living room to find my love on the couch, and rather than sit down beside her, i naturally fell to my knees and put my head on her lap. She pet my head and we talked affectionately. There was no lead up, and nothing kinky going on, but here I was in a very submissive headspace just naturally relaxed with her.

There is no rule, custom, or requirement for me to do so, and she doesn't actively tell me to do such a thing, and yet, it felt just right. I am hers, and in an odd reciprocal way, it all just works, without having to by any custom or reason.

The feelings are there, and don't need to be defined in any special way beyond affection. The concepts around bdsm are so beautiful and wonderful for description and understanding, or for exploring other ideas or possibilities. Ultimately though, its grand knowing that those feelings and expressions can be felt and exchanged with a dash of power exchange and a drop of dom/sub entirely undefined. Just the power of the heart, more than anything else, creating a pattern.

At the end of the day, all those concepts, all those kinks, and all those customs the bdsm culture established, they all came from the emotions and romance between people. Humanity is a beautiful thing.

The Personal Evolution of Others; Inspiration

A few weeks ago the local kink association Sagacity held its annual conference and birthday celebration, the “Birthday Bash”. It was a lovely party in which many fun scenes took place, a lot of great educational workshops happened. It was a smashing success.

One thing really stood out from that weekend to me though, and it was a person I admire showing just how much they have grown, evolved and changed since I first met them.

To explain more thoroughly, almost two years ago when I moved to Victoria I met this friend amongst many of my newfound friends. She was an enthusiastic kinkster who was just enthused for play. By our conversations I identified so well with her innocent enthusiasm to being bound and beaten, dominated. She approached all sorts of sub/bottom/maso activities with the gusto of a star runner hitting the track. I was in some ways, a bit afraid for her, that in her enthusiasm to bottom for interested parties she might end up playing with an abuser or getting herself hurt. It was so endearing I took the time and got talking to her about stuff, and sent her every bit of literature I had that might be helpful. Little did I know when I thought of said plan she would have already been digging through what resources she had. She hit the ground running and used her head too. It was incredibly impressive.  Over the course of the months I saw the eager fledgling young kinkster get further and further to the point where she was getting into very heavy very well done scenes and just impressing anyone that knew her with personality, attitude, and happy demeanour.

What we didn't realize was, this was a girl who dove into what she wanted to do, and learned, soaked in, and took up everything she could. A few months ago she told me she was thinking about starting to top too. I was impressed and figured it would go well for her, with her whole “can-do” attitude and approach. So it would appear over the past few months she soaked up knowledge, read things, practiced on pillows, and figured out all the silly things that tops and switches etc have to learn about being in charge and beating people and all those boring things I'm not quite sure why they have fun doing (but am so glad they do them).

 

And that brings us up to that fateful night at birthday bash, when I was witness to said persons first scene topping. Watching and a dear respected friend of mine kindly beat, hold down, and torment another gal who was in so much bliss she can barely remember 3 minutes of the lengthy scene. If I didn’t know better, I would have never known it was my friends first chance topping another person, and it was so natural and careful, it was easy to see her practice and study pay off. I was so proud to see this friend of mine achieve her goals, and take on the avenues and challenges she wanted to with full success. Not only that, later on she had fun on her traditional side of the coin by bottoming in a delightful scene. That determination to reach out and go for ones own chosen development, well it was inspiring!

Why would I consider this personal evolution? A person takes on skills, perfects them, and forges ahead on their chosen paths. Be you sub, switch, dom, or any variation or category, or even a vanilla person, you could learn from this example. I know I will, next time I see skills and explorations I want to enjoy, I'm going to dive in and take it with gusto, at least I hope. You should to.

The Bottom Plate

 

Everyone talks a lot about big scenes, bondage, pain, humiliation, dress up, all sorts of active kinky fun. But what about expressing kink in an everyday activity, not through flashy use of pervertables, but in combing a power exchange role with how you take in said activity?

One of my favourite examples is the service of food/beverages to ones dominant partner. In my experience a well cooked or served meal, dessert or breakfast can be a very submissive act. The range of food/beverage service can also be quite empowering and fulfilling for the person being served. Today I’m going to talk about what you should know to go about such an activity. I’m also going to use the term “guest” to indicate the person dining, as that person doesn't necessarily need to be a top/dominant.

Sidenote: The following is my personal outlook on this topic, not a definitive end all be all on it. If you find a different way to approach it, then by all means take that path. The road is open to everybody.

There are three main  types of f&b service styles a sub/bottom can go for;

1. HIGH PROTOCOL

• Lots of rules.
• Plans or systems directed by the dominant about behaviour/expectations.
• Usually interpreted by explanation in advance for that circumstance.
• Often in conjunction with multiple d/s pairs or groups.
• Usually this is just a very special occasion; like a protocol dinner
• Might be the norm for a high power exchange relationship setting
• High degree of subtle power exchange when done, usually acknowledged

2. Casual  Submissive

• may or may not have rules
• a few possible expectations by dominant party
• Typically something done at home or in private with a couple or small group
• often done on casual basis, or spur of the moment
• great for dom/sub personalities just trying to fit it into their day
• power exchanged can still be noticeable to either party, some communication is recommended

3. Subtle Need Anticipation

• no rules
• Dominant has expectations in a range, that server anticipates without need for usual communication
• done privately or publicly
• is often the norm for the server types who do it well
• very good for low key acts of submission
• communication for sake of manners, please/thank you by both parties is recommended for actions, but power exchange is minimal and wont necessarily affect headspace.

The three settings are just broad categorizations of what can go on, and there are definitely exceptions what cross between those categories. for example a high protocol setting where dinner is served by a bottom who is seen and not heard would encompass a combo of 1 and 3.

For the purposes of sharing skills I’m going to talk about general ways to go about things from the bottoms perspective that will mostly cover 2 as you can add or remove stuff from there to fit into any other myriad of categories.

Factors in Service

There are a few major factors to remember when serving someone submissively; anticipation of needs, timing, attention to detail,  and attitude & body language

Anticipation of Needs

When I say anticipation of needs, I mean this on two parts. On one side, you have to keep track of what your dinner guest needs and wants, and you should be able to know somewhat without asking or without being told. For example, if you know your guest well, you should know in advance what time of beverage they want, or what sort of food/drink they want served. If you don’t, you can always ask around, do some research. Now if they want to be surprised this works very well, however you wont always be the one picking out the food or drink, you might be given a menu in advance. The other side of the coin, is that during the service things might come up that they need. Commonly, refills. A glass should never be completely emptied unless the guest specifically indicates they wish not to be refilled. Second helpings are also something to be aware of if the guest is making indication that they are still hungry as the meal is coming to a close, especially if there is no desert course. Of course multi-course meals are great in that you will want to watch your guest getting just to the end of the prior item as you are ready to bring forth the next. Please note that sometimes a pause between courses is also appropriate, use discretion on the occasion. In this active anticipation, you want to be on your toes for if anything going wrong, such as a dropped utensil, or a broken glass. Be taking care of the problem, within seconds and it will be quickly forgotten. And yes, always replace a dropped utensil or clean up a dropped food item. The five second rule doesn't apply unless the guest specifically says it does.

Its also very important to anticipate allergies or other dietary conditions. If your guest is a celiac, the breading on the chicken might be a bad plan. And vegetarians do not want to be served bacon, trust me, I CHECKED.

If the beverage is of high alcohol content you may want to use discretion however in that you are sure the guest knows they are being served refills, or is not being intoxicated past a reasonable point, or will be unable to drive themselves home. I’m expecting anyone taking this advice is a responsible adult, and so to will be the guest. So making sure that the alcohol isn't being over served should be considered safety and even can be part of prior planning discussions with your guest if you are going for a high protocol setting. In this case having a backup beverage for post alcohol can also be a good part of planning

Timing

During service, be aware of timing, so that you can keep the food cooking in time to be ready at time of expected dinner service (or when you know the guest in question is going to be hungry and wanting food). Nobody likes to be kept waiting at a table overlong thinking food should have been served ages ago. In this case, practice makes perfect, so that you know how long it takes to prepare your dishes. If the timing doesn't work out quite right, don’t panic. There's always a reasonable gap in service time, and if you are new to a particular dish things will vary. The trick here is keeping the guest entertained enough that they don't notice or are not affected by the delay. The other note on timing is that you want to time your own meal, should you be eating. Does your guest want to share mealtime with you, or do they want to eat their meal with all your attention on them? If they want to eat together then you have to combine serving them, keeping track of their ongoing needs, and enjoying your own meal. Otherwise you may end up timing a meal in advance of your guests arrival.

Attention to Detail

It is mostly implied, but one must be aware of the details around everything. From the presentation on the plate, to what you wear to suit the occasion, the devil is in the details. I cant get too specific here, because this is up to you. I have some food and beverage service training in my background, so I can serve wine somewhat more in a restaurant style. I can also plate a dish to look a bit more appealing. Google is your best friend here if you are looking to impress. Wine service and food service tips are plenty on the internet. Here are a few that work for me; serve the entree side of the plate facing, learn how to present and serve wine from bottle to glass, know the difference between salad and dinner forks as well as the other basic cutlery, and different glasses for wine or water just to name a few. Appearances are important too in this category. If your guest wants low key, then dont wear a tuxedo or maids uniform. If your guest wants to be romantically wined and dined, then wear the works, just make sure you use an apron when cooking. And of course if your guest wants sultry, well, you get the idea. The final detail to note is entertainment value. If they are chatty and need a visit while you work and serve, by all means converse. But if they would rather sit on the couch and read their book while you are on duty, well then just make sure their pillows are fluffed and the lighting is good.

Attitude & Body Language

This is all about them. The customer is always right. You are here to serve. That sort of thing is something to think about when serving f&b submissively. What you are doing for them is a submissive act, that concentrates on giving and pleasing them. This isnt necessarily the attitude one should put into their entire relationship with said guest, but its something great for concentration in the dining experience. Think of yourself as their own personal chef/server (or just server if they've requested a bucket of fried chicken, because trust me take out can still be served submissively). When going about your duties, different “guests” will have different preferences, but generally if you are going to this trouble they are going to appreciate feeling like the centre of the attention. Above all else BE POLITE. Say please, say thank you, address them with respect in the manner they like best. All those great subby/bottomy mannerisms from role-play or kinky scenes, can often be great when turned into dinnertime body language. The degree varies based entirely on the guest and the server, but there are many things you can do to give this outlook. These are some of the things I do that tend to work well, whether they are consciously noticed or not; I keep my eyes low when addressing or serving the guest, I bow or kneel where possible, such as to present the food to them, (this one can vary based on the tastes of the guest), and I smile a lot. Those few simple things seem to greatly change the nature of how dinner is received and make the guest feel like king or queen of the meal.

 

Following these guidelines and keeping in mind what type of service you are going for can hopefully change a served meal from people having dinner, to an empowering d/s experience. It takes a bit of practice, and it might not work quite as you plan, but you will likely find yourself with a vast skillset that might just be currently overlooked or underdeveloped. Bon appetite.