Dress Rehearsal

So, new to playing? Want to do a real in person beginning, middle, end, aftercare, bdsm scene? Totally afraid its going to go wrong? Not sure what to expect?

Or maybe it’s not your first rodeo, but your partner is still pretty new. Or maybe you’ve been at it a while and you want to try a new style of play. In any case,  you might not be sure of the best approach to take with your big scene.

Why not rehearse? I mean people practice with toys and tricks and techniques, so why not practice together?  Going through a scene together before actually playing it is a great way to learn for beginners and new play mates.

Is it a standard practice? No. Should it be? In my opinion yes. Optional? Of course. As long as the scene’s content is not one entirely composed of surprises, you can skip the surprise twists when going through a walk through. Instead, just go through a walk through. “Here’s what we can do” with where one might play, what sort of expectations you both have in certain play actions, what might be useful from both perspectives, and any other observations and feedback you can give each other before you play will make for a lot more comfort going into the scene.

I say “Dress Rehearsal” because many have clothes/costumes they wear for play or for a scene. Keep in mind though playing in any special clothing, costumes, or outfit is not at all necessary. It is true though that it can help many get into a head space for power exchange. In addition, many have certain fetishes for materials or specific wardrobe items, that will help with the scene. So much like a theatrical dress rehearsal, kink rehearsal can be also in costume.

Having a pre planned checklist is a great planning tool, and I recommend that too. But this takes it one step further, because there are things that you'll observe in play that you wont observe in a checklist. Rehearsing might give you a bit more forethought of it, and an advantage in avoiding potential surprise disasters when its a new playmate or style.

Ultimately the big advantage is helping alleviate anxiety about “what will this be like?” I have helped a few new to kink, dominants learn to play by going through the breakdown of a  basic scene with them. I don’t claim to be any kind of expert or teacher, but I sure have found that a brand new top can be just as scared as a brand new bottom. Learning a simple breakdown or tutorial really takes the pressure off.

Some other msc perks include getting to know the layout of the playspace you’re working with, getting more comfortable with the idea of power exchange for fun, as well as active brainstorming.

A practice scene, at the end of the day, won’t work for everyone. Perhaps it would be entirely counter to how you approach your play. But if it could work for you, then give it a go. I hope it helps! Remember, practice makes perfect.

For Shame; A response

 

On Tumblr, I received a very pointed comment after my previous blog about shaming. At first I was very offended at a perceived intolerance and repression. Upon taking a breath and a reread I realized its a statement born of ignorance, perhaps even of shame. Rather than be rude and engage in an argumentative tone, I’ve written a strongly worded rebuttal. The following is the comment, followed by my response.

 

NO DUDE

WE DON’T NEED TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE

Just because everyone is telling their mother, father, coworkers and friends all about their furry fetish/bisexuality/vore/otherkin doesn’t mean you need to as well.

Unnecessary drama. If they find out, so they find out. No biggie, just look them in the eye and be cool with who you are. Doesn’t necessarily mean you should be screaming it from rooftops.

Same with something like being gay. If they see youre dating a dude, thats how theyll ‘find out’ - no need for dramatic movie inspired ‘coming out’ sessions that you can later blog about.

 

 

You picked an awfully interesting thread to reblog in order to tell me not to share or be open about who I am.

I am going to choose to believe that the inflammatory statement was meant respectfully. So I will tell you I respectfully disagree. I believe those of us who are not hetero-normative have just as much right to be who we are, and even be flamboyant about it as a hetero normative individual.

I will further state that part of why I blog about the topics I do, as with many of the thousands of other kink lifestyle bloggers, or other alt lifestyle bloggers, out of exploration, support, and understanding. This is not to scream from conceptual rooftops, but to build conceptual houses

I am finally going to point out that "sex life" and sexual or romantic identity and orientation are entirely different concepts. I rarely blog about my "sex life," and at the end of the day am somewhat private about the intimate details.

So I will thank you for sharing your outlook and bid you good day!

Kink Shame; Part 1 Sub Shame

So I’ve talked before about dealing with guilt or shame feelings within a d/s atmosphere. It’s rough to deal with negative feelings, especially the ones that can eat at you for a long time. Today though I want to talk about a related topic. Shame thrust upon we, the kinky.

I've noticed a trend, ever since the understanding of slut-shaming came into the mainstream, it was hard to miss. Kink-shaming is a huge thorn in the side of the community, and it comes from within and without. There are a lot of negative connotations about being kinky thrown at us, usually related to misconceptions and assumptions about morals and sexual expressions. It’s ridiculous and mostly founded in ignorance.

Most of what I’ve seen can be categorized as negativity towards submission, domination, or specific fetishes. Today I’m going to talk about sub shaming.

 

I am a submissive person, to put it simply. I am very proud of this sexual orientation, as a part of who I am. So on a personal note, it irks me to no end when the ignorant or insecurities of others inspire cruelty towards my sense of understanding in romance, and sexuality.

Simply put, there is a chaotic load of shit being said on an irregular basis by people in and out of the community equating submissive people as weak, stupid, cowardly, or even believe it or not suffering from a psychological disability . It is hurtful, ignorant and wrong. It causes a lot of hurt and even damage to those targeted. And I implore the world around us, to stop the shaming.

A lot of it can be blamed on the media, misconceptions of victimization as an effect of d/s activities are far too common. And of course for those who do not have a power orientation, the need to express oneself through submission is very hard to understand or conceptualize. Negative imagery surrounding it, especially combined with the cathartic fantasies we explore can provide a poor interpretation if there is no context.

Rather than attack the kink shamers (as my friend Stabbity would say, I’m too nice for something like that), I’m going to put the truth to the lies.

An incredibly common myth is that submissive people are weak. Now I'm not saying there aren’t weak people who happen to be submissive. But to be able to yield ones power to those you trust, is by its very nature a feat of strength. It requires a great deal of understanding, trust, and faith to say “Here, here is what I have. I’m letting you be both in charge of yourself, and in charge of me in this capacity. All that makes me strong, I'm going to fuel you with it.” Now granted not all submissive acts are epic on that scale, but you get the point I’m sure. The fact that many submissive people get enjoyment at playing at being weak or powerless, well there are many erotic or psychological reasons that that is fun or cathartic, but at the end of the day its playing. I can play a spy in a role play game, that doesn't mean I work for MI6,

And then we have the myth of submissives being stupid. Frankly, people have varied level of intellect. The very idea that this would affect ones orientation in any direction is ridiculous at best. The fact is, great and moving acts of submission require intelligence and wisdom. Complex tasks, anticipation of needs, foresight, and understanding when giving emotional support, all best when met with great intelligence. It doesn't matter who someone is in personal orientation, intelligence only furthers the human experience.

Cowardly… Cowardly… really? How does the logic on that one work. These people who rush headlong into their fears, face them with gritted teeth, challenge the fire around them… cowardly? Taking on great challenges in ones own life is something I see in submissive people on a regular basis. And this could vary, but in my experience if you want to see a brave person who forgets their fears, find a submissive party who has just learned of a threat to their partner. The fearless fury I've seen in some of my submissive friends when it comes to protecting the people in their lives is inspirational.

And now we reach a fallacy that offends me dearly. I'm going to big point out that its incredibly demeaning to both submissive folks and those who are differently abled by creating an accusatory connection. First off, there are many people about us who suffer from different psychological disabilities. They are people, just like you or me, and should not be recipient to prejudice. Secondly, it has nothing to do with their sexual or romantic orientation. And thirdly, it so happens  there are people who  have a mental disability and are, submissive. I have a friend who happens to be very open about being mentally disabled, and is a lovely wonderful submissive person. What do these two factors have to do with each other in her life? Absolutely nothing. It has no more connection than someone both being tall, and liking fried chicken. I am so in awe of my friend, able to express who she is, happily, and proud. She walks tall, regardless of the worlds ignorance about who she is, and has to deal with a lot more bullshit prejudice about her disability than she ever will about being kinky. And she does not give a damn about either anymore. She feels life is to short to give a damn about small minded people. One day I might walk half as tall as her.

 

So to my fellow submissive friends (bottoms, switches, and all other roles in that side of the spectrum too), I say this to you. Walk tall! For we need not listen to the ignorant bullies of the world. You are terrific people, and deserve to live free of shame.

Legitimate Representation

 

SEX! It’s a pretty great thing. It makes for a great time. And toys. They are super fun. but… SEX AND TOYS ARE NOT WHAT BDSM IS ABOUT!

It’s really cool, when people spice up their sex life with kinky elements, and explore their kinks. And its terrific when people like playing with toys. And frankly, toys and sex make for some top quality BDSM.

I have a problem though, in that, this misconception exists that BDSM simply means being into exciting sex, and/or lots of toys. The image that gets pushed forth that we, who are kinky, can be represented as just, eccentric sexual people.

FACT: BDSM can exist without sex or nudity

FACT: BDSM can exist without toys

FACT: BDSM to many of us is a lifestyle and orientation that deserves representation within the queer community as its own culture or subculture.

FACT: When we are relegated to being associated  ONLY with an act or accessory that can be used in conjunction with who we are, it HURTS!

I have many friends that I am out to. But I find even there it is misunderstood. Often the conversation will steer into a subject related to kink, and I will make a statement in relation to how subject affects me as relative to being a kinkster or a submissive, in a completely nonsexual fashion, and one of the members of the conversation will respond with a quick statement of modesty or worry that the conversation is suddenly a bit too sexual and has lost the seriousness of the topic. I will then have to explain the statement more carefully as to how it’s topically relevant. It doesn’t happen every time, but often enough that I start to feel like BDSM as a culture, is looked upon as the greater queer communities sideshow.

In part, it is our own fault, as we are pretty enthused about sex and toys. There are a lot of kink and BDSM contents on the web about sex, and sexuality, but not near enough about the romantic value, or communication tools. We need to create more positive educational content.

There are so many books out there with cultural content and philosophy related to power exchange, relationships and communication. And many internal forums for within the community. But a positive exchange of information with the mainstream queer culture needs to start happening. I urge my fellow kinksters, be a representative in kink friendly circles. Show what we are about, and show our legitimacy where you can.

Power exchange can take on so many forms. Bondage can be entirely nonsexual. Pain/sensation can be an expression of feeling and understanding. Structure of relationship format can be empowering and freeing. When these themes are explored by those people who are drawn to any of them, it makes for a legitimate expression of self in romance, intimacy or sex.

More so than that, many of us, regardless of sexuality, are oriented romantically to power. I know many nonsexual or even asexual beings who are top, bottom, dom, sub, switch, sadists, masochists, pet, keepers, slaves, masters,  etc. Because, for many of us its something we need. It’s who we are. Its about power, or pain, or just plain connection with other people on a primal level.  It’s NATURAL to us. It is who I am, and I am so proud of it.

Just to clarify, as I said to begin with, Sex is awesome. So are toys. So are sex toys for that matter. But so too, are intimacy, communication, understanding, sharing, and just being yourself. My point though, is that I’m just tired of my lifestyle being represented by that. So please, remember, BDSM or just kink in general, does not immediately mean Sex, or toys. To many of us, it really is, a part of who we are. And when we are belittled to just an act, IT HURTS!

Engendered Affection

I’m pansexual, I see attraction across the gender spectrum. I've yet to have a romantic relationship with a cisgender male, but I feel like I’ve had a fair amount of experience interacting with different sides of said gender spectrum. Every sexual or romantic interaction will vary with different people, but recently I've learned it can vary with the same person, to delightful consequence

Recently I discovered there's something very different about my interactions with my current partner than past partners, or play partners, etc. My sweet chaos, though she identifies as female, is somewhat genderqueer, and has sides of herself that come out across the spectrum at times. She can be delightfully masculine, and gracefully feminine, or both at once. I’ve taken to calling her my boyfriend at times, because often we flip traditionally conceptual gender roles on their head.

I love it. It’s so delightful and freeing. It takes the “this is what a girlfriend is” and just breaks it. I’ve come to feel like I am getting the advantages of being with multiple people from different points on the gender spectrum, because she encompasses so many attributes. To pull out a very nerdy outlook; its sort of like dating a multiclass character in an rpg.

It’s really given me a chance though to appreciate just how cool it is to be pansexual, and have the chance to experience so many of the qualities I’m attracted to. Conceptually I understood the fluidity of gender identity and the associated attractions, but I’ve never had a chance to experience a fluid attraction all at once before.

It’s almost overwhelming. But more t the point, its rich. Much like when you taste an aged wine, and it has a variety of interwoven flavours that compliment each other and contrast across a wide spectrum. I know its a foodie geek sort of reference, but if you do not understand that one, then you should learn about wine because its awesome okay.

You are what you eat

So for the last few months my lovely partner has been sliding vegetables and healthier choices than I usually go for into the menu. Its been a very sweet way of her to show she cares and she's explained shed like to see me healthier.

A week or two ago we had a casual chat, in which I discovered she was getting more adamant in her desire to curb not only our shared meals, but my own private meals as well. We were grocery shopping, and she stopped me from buying something unhealthy, and looked at me, standing her ground and said “You don’t need it”

Since then I’ve come to find myself going into a mindset of subconscious will power, based on her want for me to adjust my diet. I feel so touched that she's taking a somewhat moderate push into an aspect of my life, completely of her own motivation and violation. I'm also proud of her, for standing her ground where she feels the need. I’m a lucky man to have her.

The last week I've been much more conscious of each meal I eat, even a bit afraid to eat the wrong thing, to the point where I’ve had to message her asking about my food decisions, as I flail on my own self made multiple choice test. And she's even actively told me “No” when I’ve gone to eat something disagreeable. I feel melted by her will about me, in the way it comes from her heart.

Its not big things that move me, but the power behind the little things. I will be healthy, for her, because she inspires me. Being this inspired for something arbitrary, is a sure delight

The Unconscious Submission

I've blogged recently upon my sense of submission to my girlfriend being earned by her nature and that I feel inspired where she does not expect it. It was really neat because i consciously noticed myself giving her more priority and attention. I wanted to be giving her this submissive energy and respect as she showed me just how humble and caring she is through her actions.

As such we have bonded and grown closer. She's become an intimate part of my every day. And our passive communication and intimacy have borne ongoing trust building, and mutual respect. Its gotten to the point where I don't think about what were doing, that we've built unconscious reaction to one another when we’re spending time together.

In that time I’ve expanded on my domestic service aspects, and examined more subtle and passive formats of d/s. The less attention getting fetish activities, and ways to feel safely not in control, without putting pressure upon her to actively reciprocate. And yet, there's the rub. She has reciprocated, in dozens of ways that she never notices. When I have poor decision making abilities, she's there and steps in with a choice for me. When I'm having will power issues, she has a firm hand to direct me. And when I feel erratic she soothes with confident direction to breath. Her hand in mine, my head on her shoulder, It didn't even occur to me just how deep intimate connections could grow without sexuality.

I was describing her to a new friend tonight, and as I was sharing these words describing what a deep relationship I've found myself in with my dear sweetheart, I realized just how deeply my sense of connection with her has grown. And I was describing it out loud how safe that my partner makes me feel to be so vulnerable that I realized that even subconsciously, she motivates me to give her whatever she can have of me. And she in turn pulls me in. Even without her in the room, this piece of my heart grows and grows.

It is a beautiful feeling, realizing that my heart can fall upon its knees, without my even knowing it. I don’t think it’s ever taken me by surprise this way before. Everyone should be able to feel their heart give and take of its own accord at least once in life.