A quick housekeeping note for my regular followers. I’m in the process of moving right now so it’s getting harder to make more regular entries and get the privacy for a podcast recordings (yes more are coming), but I’m working on it. I thank you for your patience.
Obedience is tossed around a lot in kink talk these days. Its touted as being a very important part of power exchange. It’s one of those fundamental elements of D/s that newbies learn is important. In some cases it’s even a matter of not obeying, such as a more “bratty” dynamic.
I’ve noticed though that with the influx of new kinksters over the last few years, that the emphasis on obedience, and the enthusiasm of newer submissive type folks to be obedient, it becomes a blanket execution. All kinds of emphasis gets put on a submissive person needing to be obedient and how important that is, but not a lot of explanation to how such a skill or personal trait can be implemented effectively. So I’ve come up with three important points to think of when it comes to obedience.
1. REMEMBER WHO IS AND ISNT ENTITLED TO YOUR OBEDIENCE: When someone is obedient and easygoing as a personality trait, this one can be hard, but it’s important. If anyone off the street can wander up to you boss you about, then in the kink world you’re quite likely to be seen as a walking doormat, which isn’t attractive. Worse, someone who obeys an order from anyone they meet is easy prey for a predatory character who isn’t looking for your personality, but for meat to fill a purpose. That’s all well and good in fantasy, but in reality the eager doormat is a walking target for abuse. Alternatively the blanket obedience can come off pushy and incredibly unattractive to a potential partner. If you have a problem just obeying anyone’s direction, take a step back and guard that. It’s a gift and if you give it to anyone, its worth is lost.
2. CONSIDER YOUR ACTIONS: You are legally and societally responsible for your own actions. Even if those actions are being directed by someone else, and even if your local kink group will understand and forgive that, if its an action that breaks the law, or hurts someone, ultimately you are going to be the one responsible for it. So before you let someone you barely know send you on a mission to capture the grail consider things like “is this safe?” “is this legal?” “Is this going to cause problems for anyone else?” and ultimately “Is this logical?” At the end of the day a legitimate partner is going to value your opinion or input on what activities you are consenting to. The people who are making requests or giving orders are still human, and humans as we know are prone to errors in judgement. Even super amazing scary assed big bad dominants who never make mistakes might just make a tiny little error in judgement. Research kinky accidents if you don’t believe me. Just remember to be respectful when you communicate your questions or even potential decline in consent to obey X directive.
In some cases you might be together so long and with such a power dynamic that you obey everything pretty much without question, but even then, if something seems dangerous or questionable there needs to be a communication mechanism in place. In these cases its even more important because you are protecting both yourself, and your partner (be they your Sir, Mistress, Grand High Potato or whatever) from harm or consequence by applying thought to your actions. Ultimately this comes down to RACK or SSC or any other consent based safety mechanisms within your D/s and everyone is unique. I might even get some flack for saying this, but the person who demands unquestioning unthinking obedience from someone else is stepping away from reality and has the potential to become very very dangerous.
3. PUT YOUR ALL INTO IT: In kink as in life, a job worth doing is a job worth doing well. So when you are obeying someone you consider worthy of your obedience, and doing a task that is a reasonable consenting activity, do it with 110%! Any paid help can tidy the room, refill a drink, or go on an errand. Certainly it doesn’t take a heck of a lot of effort to “go stand over there” or “assume the position,” but perhaps its not about just filling the base requirement. Remember the old adage “service with a smile.” When someone is told to do X and goes about it mechanically, there isn’t a heck of a lot of amusement in this. If you’re going to obey a command or an order, you might as well do it with a bit of style too. Exceeding expectations goes a long way with people and the dominant folk out there are no exception. If you’re obeying someone, obey them happily, comfortably, and if its at all possible put a bit more into it than just the task requires.
Heck, sometimes obeying doesn't even require a direct command so much as listening skills and anticipation. I do a lot of domestic service with my partner Chaos. I obey requests of instructions to help with things, make food, serve dinner, etc. But alternatively I don't need to be asked or told to get the refill, or to jump in with a massage when I can tell one is wanted. Or the other night when she mentioned she had a craving for cheese, I went and rolled up some ham, knowing she likes ham, sliced the little rolls, and served a small plate of the two types of ham, and sliced cheddar. Those little extras go a long way in my experience, and they will in yours too.
If you can not only obey orders or instructions correctly, but anticipate them, and go above the expectations set, you will be well on your way to a happy partner. After all, its about the quality of obedience.
Those three concepts will hopefully provide a positive philosophy of quality obedience more so than blanket obedience can ever give anyone. ultimately its going to provide mutual satisfaction. Try and remember this, as I sometimes forget just what goes into why I obey the few people I do, and you might forget as well. Some days you may even not be in the mood to obey with cheer, or even provide much, but if you communicate, and do what you can do, no one can reasonably expect otherwise. Good luck everybody, and play safe.
