A Slave’s Rights

We see a lot of information online, and hear a lot in person about the different roles a kinkster can have, and what those entail. I often hear some really great information about what people can expect when they identify under the many personal labels or relationship roles. People will share stories and experiences with others, and we can all learn how to better explore our own roles, strengths, and flaws. I also hear a lot of pure bullshit. Today I’m going to be ranting about the latter.

Recently I was reading a stream of comments on a certain social networking site in response to the subject of a photo,  identified as a slave. There was a challenge to the validity of that identification in regards to the subject’s rights, as apparently she had too many. I’ve seen the same sentiments in many places, but it really made me angry to see it taken seriously.

I’m going to make this perfectly clear. In regards to rights, it doesn’t matter what you identify as, or what relationship you are in, YOU HAVE RIGHTS. It doesn’t matter how many proclaimed masters, slaves, or other so called experts tell you that you have to give up legal rights to be a slave, you have all the same legal rights as anyone else.

That' doesn’t stop someone from ignoring your rights, which is illegal by international law. In fact this is how we can tell if someone is in a consensual bdsm themed relationship, as compared to illegal human slavery. That’s right, the traditional format of slavery, of owning people, is highly illegal around the world. There are jurisdictions that have trouble enforcing this law, and in fact there is an epidemic of human trafficking that is making it worse, however the people involved are not doing so for extreme submission and dominance.

I’ve talked about fantasy versus reality before, and this is an extreme example. If you identify as a slave in who you are or the role you take in your relationship, know that it is different than being a human being without rights, even if it is fun or meaningful to play within the fantasy that you don’t. It is not okay for someone to impose the loss of rights upon another, because that is not a consensual volunteering of power, that is the illegal and dangerous subjugation of another human being. This sort of situation can lead to mental, physical and sexual abuse as well as a variety of exploitation.

Please everyone, have fun, explore, and for the love of humanity, play safe!

What's in a name; The Origin and Meaning of Kadri

{Let it be noted that in this post I am talking about events that have taken place in my life. For the privacy of others I am giving them alias' here. For their own privacy}

It's a little odd, my fetlife name. Not many people can pronounce it the same way I do, and I don't mind. I honestly refer friends to call me by my given name for every day use, as a lot of the people using Kadri just use it from reading it on the internet. That's perfectly fine, to be known as a screen name by acquaintances, and my first name by friends and family. Now some few friends know that my chosen name is quite special to me, and when they discuss that with me I usually invite them to use it if they prefer, knowing that it is significant. And if I play with someone and they ask if there is anything I enjoy being called for play, I'll request to be called Kadri. It isn't something I bring up much, as the explanation of my name is a personal story, and many people I meet wouldn't quite understand it.

It started with a multiple choice question “Which of these do you like?” She asked me in relation to the list of Gorean styled slave names she thought were fitting. They weren't really my taste, but Kes my mistress at the time enjoyed that theme of BDSM and felt they were ideal choices for slave names. She defined a slave name as the ideal identity for someone who serves with the focus of dedication to be called slave, as it was a statement of who they were to their dominant.

It was four years ago, and for the previous several months I had been submitting to her in a relationship of D/s custodianship and training, and I was finally at the point where she had declared I was worthy of a “slave name.” I was dedicated to the training she had assured me would make me the best slave I could be, so this was very exciting. Even though the names themselves weren't that appealing to me, I trusted her wisdom and taste as she had drilled into me and chose a few names that were alright and i could see using. I also made sure to pick choices that I would be able to consistently pronounce. She took the time to deliberate over my suggestions and decided that I would be kadri. Of course I was also to never capitalize Kadri it in the social settings I used my new name, as she taught me the outlook that a slave should be humble and viewed humbly, where standard grammar would put me on an equal level of standing with her, or anyone else of higher power in their station or identity. As with all my then mistress' lessons, I absorbed her outlook, and obeyed the direction.

Kadri in the gorean role play setting or BDSM style is listed as meaning destiny. At the time that sounded good enough to me, but it wasn't all that important to me compared to being given a name in principle.

It was so exciting suddenly, having a special secret name that someone would call me. At that point it was only Kes and her far flung family from across the internet that would refer to me as “kadri”. It was delightful and embraced heavily. Consciously I was very focused on the training and the achievement. Deep down though, I was just thrilled someone I so blindly adored and trusted would recognize me with such approval. In just a few short months I had befriended and began playing with an intense young woman who professed great BDSM experience and passion, and had been offered her commitment and training, at least until a worthy permanent owner came along.

To add to this excitement, she gave me another name just a few weeks later, offering me a collar of ownership by her family as slave of the house. The relationship had gotten a lot more personal and she felt that it was time to make a more lasting connection. So with my gratitude and obedience she directed me to change my name on fetlife to “kadri_Ara_Sica” (the latter being her chosen house name for her family). For the better part of a year following, I proudly displayed her name on all applicable social networks.

Sadly it was not to last, as the relationship eventually degenerated and increasingly abusive as Kes lost interest in me and became obsessed with her new personal submissive, Lyric. I did my best to maintain my service and be worthy of all I had been given, but nothing was quite good enough. At that point I was more often being called “boy” or “you” by the dominants in Kes's far flung family, and it was very confusing to have earned a name left mostly unused. Adversely, Lyric thought I was good enough, and when she referred to me as Kadri she was speaking to me with kinship and respect. It was warm and so appreciated. As two inexperienced submissive people in the same house, we had a lot to connect over, especially when we eventually met in person.

After several months and some very good advice from concerned peers in the bdsm community, I began to see the truth. I had been lied to, used, and manipulated for months, and fed a name, a collar, orders, and relationships with several people who seemed less and less likely to exist. At the time I only saw some of it, but repressed doubt hidden behind the philosophy that a slave does not question could only stay repressed so long. Kes's behaviour had become erratic and dangerous to others and herself, driving both myself and Lyric to sever our relationships with her.

It did not end cleanly, with the discovery of tremendous and lasting deception. The emotional crash and fluctuating sense of identity lasted for a few months for me. I flipped my fetlife handle to kadri86, dropping the name of Kes's empty house. At that point, it was a temporary placeholder until I could come up with a more suitable identity. She did not want me associated with her, and that was perfectly mutual. At first I was not sure what I thought of this name I had been using for nearly a year, but as I realized she would not want me using it a spark of spite ignited a flame.

I decided to continue to use Kadri as my identity in the kink community, and I would make the name my own. I would make it mean something beyond some definition from a fantasy novel inspired kink theme I could never get into. I was confused if I could trust again, and doubted if I could even be that ideal slave, but I was proud to forge an identity for myself. I looked up Kadri, knowing that most of the names and concepts from the Gor books that the gorean kinksters used were borrowed from actual cultures. It turned out that Kadri was a variant of Kadir/Qadir based on Turkish and Arabic origins. It had a few interpretations; competent, capable, valuable. Being these things, they mattered to me. In the past few months I had been frequently made to feel without worth or potential, but I was determined I was going to be the best person I could be, alone, or in the service of someone else.

At the same time all of this happened, I went through my move to Victoria, and to new beginnings. In the course of a few years I experienced many new things, learning to trust, exploring different facets of my very complex sense of identity. Slowly, as wounds healed and my confidence returned I came to love those few special people calling me Kadri, even if they did not know the whole story. When I identified as Kadri, it was with people I had invited to use the name. I give it with power to a dominant in play, and with affection to a friend who cares for it. I champion it when I express myself creatively through my writing and creative endeavours. When I finally tired of people referring to the number at the end of the fetlife name out loud, I changed it to Kadri_ with a capital K. My name is mine, and I no longer felt comfortable consenting to the world putting me below others grammatically the way an abusive ex had wished me to.

Will it be my name forever? I am not sure. My identity is my collective experience and Kadri is a part of that. There was damage and abuse for “kadri” and in renewal, stubbornness, and growth I turned that scar into my badge of honour. I plan on wearing it until it falls off.

I don’t care if you don’t like safewords, you can not defy them

 

I will clarify now I am going to rant a bit about some really idiotic shit I’ve been seeing about safewords lately. I have no problem with someone not liking playing with safewords, as long as they have a clear communication of safety and consent.

The problem, is the asshats who refuse to acknowledge their play partners use of a safeword, safe call, or other means of indicating a cut of consent to continue in their activity. That’s right, I used the C word. CONSENT. Safewords are a tool to communicate consent. Neither party needs to use a safe word, as they can have many tools to indicate consent. But it doesn’t matter what your notion is, if someone has a safeword and uses it, or indicates midscene that they have such a thing, that’s consent, that’s the line, stop right now.

Because if you cross someone’s safeword, you are proceeding to perform acts against their consent, and depending on the act, it’s likely an illegal assault that will get your ass potentially labeled a sexual offender, not to mention embaress the entire kink community.

You know who ignores a partners safewords?

PREDATORS!

Creepy predator people telling a potential sub or slave that they will eventually give up all their right to consent as an act of submission have made me sick. So long as we exist in a society of rights and laws such as we do our consent is legally protected, and whatever clear form we indicate it needs to be followed.

If it’s not yours don’t touch it

In kink culture there is one great big expectation that we often forget to talk about; being polite and respectful. Say please and thank you.  If something is not yours, ask to touch it, if someone has not given you permission to touch them or get in their space, don’t do that either! Respect the comfort zones of both people and their partners.  It’s not rocket science but it astounds me how incredibly disrespectful some members of the community will chronically behave, after repeated warnings and communication.

I’m going to just say it out right because it needs to be said.

Touching someone without their consent is not okay!

Touching other people’s partners without their collective consent is also not okay.

Getting in someone's personal space without consent is not okay.

Basically non consensual kink activities in general, not okay, and that should be more clear! Budding in or interfering in someone else's scene or power exchange, very much disrespectful and possibly dangerous.

If someone declines your invitation to do kinky things with them, its not acceptable to be act offended by the fact that they decline. If they are rude about, that you can be offended by. But consent is sacred and everyone’s right.

Another one I'm seeing more and more okay, engaging someone with sexual or power titles without consent is also not alright.  Titles mean many things to many people, and are sometimes sacred to a relationship. Its entirely acceptable to indicate someone is their partner’s ___title___ but to address them as such without indication that that’s okay can be incredibly disrespectful. And expecting someone else to engage you with a title is equally disrespectful. I see it a lot more online. Just calling a friend or even a stranger Mistress or Master for example without them being alright with it will ruffle some big feathers. And expecting someone to call you X title and being offended when they are not comfortable doing so makes you look like a giant asshole. Oh, and excuse me Grand High Vampire of the Golden Lands for expecting every sub out their to read your mind that you expect to be called that by them for some reason. Maybe you need to relax your pride just a little bit and remember you are both human beings with equal rights on this planet.

 

I’ve been holding off on this rant for a few months but after some things that really bothered me recently, I’ve realized it is long overdue. At a party I was at I saw several cases of very unsolicited non-consensual touches. From unasked for uncomfortable hugs to grabbing of someone else's body without consent struck me as something that is too easily dismissed.

A few months ago I met a new person at a munch. Not new to town, new to kink in general. She identified as a switch and seemed to be leaning towards the dom side. She was shy and nervous and rather kind. I had polite chat welcoming her to the community and later befriended her on fetlife. As she was welcomed into the community and stacked her friends list, her shyness wore off. The next two times I saw her, she aggressively attempted in one form or another to try to exert non-consensual dominance over me, getting into my personal space. I’m not going to go into details here, although I did publish my second warning letter to her on tumblr out of sheer frustration earlier in the summer. Because the awkward moments involved unsolicited body contact from her, very domineering and objectifying statements towards both myself and my partner.

Now by the third incident we were both rather leery. At a munch she attempted to force herself upon me with an unasked for forceful hug, ignoring my verbal warning to not touch me, requiring me to physically dislodge her from me, nearly shouting for her to stop and back off before she desisted. This is not okay.

 

This sort of bullshit is not acceptable behaviour and yet I’ve seen it more and more in the community both at home and across the internet to many of us. Be aware. Be informed. Know what you are within your rights to deny consent to. If someone fucks up with this, but owns up to it, learns from their mistake, then great, lets accept them respectfully into the community and let them earn trust. But if someone just keeps on fucking up after being warned, then be aware and warn others. Its not okay in any other community to violate the consent of others, and it sure as fuck isn’t okay in the kink community. And anyone who tells you otherwise might just be fucking dangerous.

 

End Rant