You cant put the rabbit back in the hat... well you could but, you know, it's a hat

The last few years of my life I’ve been in a wonderful commuted romantic relationship with Chaos. We've had varied fortunes in life, but I've felt the benefit of having someone wonderful to weather the storm with. When we began the relationship I was confused and in unfamiliar territory; they did not identify with being anything other than kink friendly enough to accept me for who I am. I felt all the warm fuzzy feelings, and this handsome beauty was impossible to ignore.

As one could tell from some of the more personal blog posts in the past, power exchange bloomed, along with and sometimes due to internal and external discovery. Without putting traditional labels on it, we have grown and explored concepts that suit us, where life has allowed. In the last few years, rapidly a more vanilla dynamic grew into a consensual communicated dynamic between the Boss and their boy.

I've had friends in the community talk to me in the last few months, commenting on the subtle visibility of our power exchange dynamic. For example, a few have been referring to Boss as my owner without my prompting or suggestion. That was a surprise to me, but at the same time it always fit in context, and felt pretty cool to hear. I remember being so proud when I shared the bits of anecdote and watching Chaos chuckle and nod.

Somehow that didn't prepare me to hit a new level mindset I've found myself in since the end of January, for lack of a better word a sense of “my place”. An incredibly powerful and completely surprising experience new to our relationship occurred, and since then, it's as though in every day, and every way, I'm consciously aware that I belong to my Boss. That's not to say I doubted or didn't know already, but it wasn’t a conscious presence in my thoughts the way say, that I love them immensely has been for longer than I can remember. But now its right up in that same tier of thinking.

For the sake of clarity, when i say “my place” I mean my own personal experience and dynamic position at this point in time. That is not to glorify any sexist or dehumanizing concept cliches that often go along with similar phrasing.

And it was the oddest moment to spur this new sense in our relationship. Oddly enough, this all came about through the first time we had ever encountered a situation of physical punishment in our relationship. Despite my being quite experienced with the concept in previous or outside dynamics, for Chaos, like many dominant top type folks, discipline and punishment is not an emotionally easy thing to deliver, and previously had been things like meal restrictions. We had and have continued discussions on what we are both consenting to and what is alright in preparation for surprise events, and for that I'm grateful.

The experience itself was mind blowing. After a mutually tiring day dealing with real life drama, the Boss and I sat quietly in our bedroom. I, feeling exhausted, and running on autopilot was playful. I took an action that essentially “poked the bear” mistaking a very “no touch” body language, for an appropriate body language to be somewhat bratty. I literally had a playful stick that I reached out and poked them with. It was hilarious in a sitcom sort of way, the realization of “WHAT DID I JUST DO”. Tired, and with no patience for bullshit and somehow blessed with super-speed, Boss grabbed me, grabbed the stick, and with some sort of unrehearsed natural grace gave me a canning with a stern warning not to do that again.

As I mentioned before this action was something in a category of personal power exchange long since consented to in our relationship, but one we weren't sure would have ever happen. I'm seriously glad that it did. It gave us both a big boost in our verbal communication skills since, as well as a real comfort with the positions we relate to each other in. In the weeks since, we've been facing some rougher time as far as life circumstance goes, and Its a real gift to be able to communicate our way through these muddy waters. The bits of service in our relationship are more fluid now, and necessary for the sort of symbiotic dynamic that forms.

Back in a saddle again

Hey everyone I'm back (finally).

I am sorry to you my dear readers (all 7 of you), for such a long hiatus. Due to a soft tissue injury and life events I haven't been able to blog really at all both due to lack of creative energy at the time I would have available to do any writing. I've also fallen behind entirely on doing creative writing projects with Chaos, and our food blog. But I think as 2014 is here I'm going to get back into the habit of things.

Blogs shall come, and be produced. Currently I'm unable to access my wordpress account http://leashexpress.wordpress.com/ so it will be updated with this post-datedly.

Does anyone know a better word that post-datedly? I'm aware that probably isn't a phrase... UNTIL NOW.

In recent kinking news for personal bloggery I have had a dynamic with a lovely woman in which she was my top end back in December, after approximately a year. It was a very powerful bond, but the D/s dynamic it was moving towards was not meant to be She remains close, and as she is one of my favourite people to submit to with play I hope we shall still have great adventures in future (when health/time/fortune allows that is). 

And in related future news I'll be doing 2 separate entries coming up on pain management in a D/s relationship. I have been toying with the concept since early spring 2013 as I've been serving in a capacity that includes help with my fearless leader and their health and wellness and wanted to share tips and perspective for any sub in that position, and since then have been in a reversed situation with learning to deal with service in time of managing my own pain. It will be a bit difficult to write, and if you're lucky not difficult to read. 

I feel like I'm forgetting something. Oh yeah. Warning; may cause drowsyness, do not operate heavy machinery

A Slave’s Rights

We see a lot of information online, and hear a lot in person about the different roles a kinkster can have, and what those entail. I often hear some really great information about what people can expect when they identify under the many personal labels or relationship roles. People will share stories and experiences with others, and we can all learn how to better explore our own roles, strengths, and flaws. I also hear a lot of pure bullshit. Today I’m going to be ranting about the latter.

Recently I was reading a stream of comments on a certain social networking site in response to the subject of a photo,  identified as a slave. There was a challenge to the validity of that identification in regards to the subject’s rights, as apparently she had too many. I’ve seen the same sentiments in many places, but it really made me angry to see it taken seriously.

I’m going to make this perfectly clear. In regards to rights, it doesn’t matter what you identify as, or what relationship you are in, YOU HAVE RIGHTS. It doesn’t matter how many proclaimed masters, slaves, or other so called experts tell you that you have to give up legal rights to be a slave, you have all the same legal rights as anyone else.

That' doesn’t stop someone from ignoring your rights, which is illegal by international law. In fact this is how we can tell if someone is in a consensual bdsm themed relationship, as compared to illegal human slavery. That’s right, the traditional format of slavery, of owning people, is highly illegal around the world. There are jurisdictions that have trouble enforcing this law, and in fact there is an epidemic of human trafficking that is making it worse, however the people involved are not doing so for extreme submission and dominance.

I’ve talked about fantasy versus reality before, and this is an extreme example. If you identify as a slave in who you are or the role you take in your relationship, know that it is different than being a human being without rights, even if it is fun or meaningful to play within the fantasy that you don’t. It is not okay for someone to impose the loss of rights upon another, because that is not a consensual volunteering of power, that is the illegal and dangerous subjugation of another human being. This sort of situation can lead to mental, physical and sexual abuse as well as a variety of exploitation.

Please everyone, have fun, explore, and for the love of humanity, play safe!

What's in a name; The Origin and Meaning of Kadri

{Let it be noted that in this post I am talking about events that have taken place in my life. For the privacy of others I am giving them alias' here. For their own privacy}

It's a little odd, my fetlife name. Not many people can pronounce it the same way I do, and I don't mind. I honestly refer friends to call me by my given name for every day use, as a lot of the people using Kadri just use it from reading it on the internet. That's perfectly fine, to be known as a screen name by acquaintances, and my first name by friends and family. Now some few friends know that my chosen name is quite special to me, and when they discuss that with me I usually invite them to use it if they prefer, knowing that it is significant. And if I play with someone and they ask if there is anything I enjoy being called for play, I'll request to be called Kadri. It isn't something I bring up much, as the explanation of my name is a personal story, and many people I meet wouldn't quite understand it.

It started with a multiple choice question “Which of these do you like?” She asked me in relation to the list of Gorean styled slave names she thought were fitting. They weren't really my taste, but Kes my mistress at the time enjoyed that theme of BDSM and felt they were ideal choices for slave names. She defined a slave name as the ideal identity for someone who serves with the focus of dedication to be called slave, as it was a statement of who they were to their dominant.

It was four years ago, and for the previous several months I had been submitting to her in a relationship of D/s custodianship and training, and I was finally at the point where she had declared I was worthy of a “slave name.” I was dedicated to the training she had assured me would make me the best slave I could be, so this was very exciting. Even though the names themselves weren't that appealing to me, I trusted her wisdom and taste as she had drilled into me and chose a few names that were alright and i could see using. I also made sure to pick choices that I would be able to consistently pronounce. She took the time to deliberate over my suggestions and decided that I would be kadri. Of course I was also to never capitalize Kadri it in the social settings I used my new name, as she taught me the outlook that a slave should be humble and viewed humbly, where standard grammar would put me on an equal level of standing with her, or anyone else of higher power in their station or identity. As with all my then mistress' lessons, I absorbed her outlook, and obeyed the direction.

Kadri in the gorean role play setting or BDSM style is listed as meaning destiny. At the time that sounded good enough to me, but it wasn't all that important to me compared to being given a name in principle.

It was so exciting suddenly, having a special secret name that someone would call me. At that point it was only Kes and her far flung family from across the internet that would refer to me as “kadri”. It was delightful and embraced heavily. Consciously I was very focused on the training and the achievement. Deep down though, I was just thrilled someone I so blindly adored and trusted would recognize me with such approval. In just a few short months I had befriended and began playing with an intense young woman who professed great BDSM experience and passion, and had been offered her commitment and training, at least until a worthy permanent owner came along.

To add to this excitement, she gave me another name just a few weeks later, offering me a collar of ownership by her family as slave of the house. The relationship had gotten a lot more personal and she felt that it was time to make a more lasting connection. So with my gratitude and obedience she directed me to change my name on fetlife to “kadri_Ara_Sica” (the latter being her chosen house name for her family). For the better part of a year following, I proudly displayed her name on all applicable social networks.

Sadly it was not to last, as the relationship eventually degenerated and increasingly abusive as Kes lost interest in me and became obsessed with her new personal submissive, Lyric. I did my best to maintain my service and be worthy of all I had been given, but nothing was quite good enough. At that point I was more often being called “boy” or “you” by the dominants in Kes's far flung family, and it was very confusing to have earned a name left mostly unused. Adversely, Lyric thought I was good enough, and when she referred to me as Kadri she was speaking to me with kinship and respect. It was warm and so appreciated. As two inexperienced submissive people in the same house, we had a lot to connect over, especially when we eventually met in person.

After several months and some very good advice from concerned peers in the bdsm community, I began to see the truth. I had been lied to, used, and manipulated for months, and fed a name, a collar, orders, and relationships with several people who seemed less and less likely to exist. At the time I only saw some of it, but repressed doubt hidden behind the philosophy that a slave does not question could only stay repressed so long. Kes's behaviour had become erratic and dangerous to others and herself, driving both myself and Lyric to sever our relationships with her.

It did not end cleanly, with the discovery of tremendous and lasting deception. The emotional crash and fluctuating sense of identity lasted for a few months for me. I flipped my fetlife handle to kadri86, dropping the name of Kes's empty house. At that point, it was a temporary placeholder until I could come up with a more suitable identity. She did not want me associated with her, and that was perfectly mutual. At first I was not sure what I thought of this name I had been using for nearly a year, but as I realized she would not want me using it a spark of spite ignited a flame.

I decided to continue to use Kadri as my identity in the kink community, and I would make the name my own. I would make it mean something beyond some definition from a fantasy novel inspired kink theme I could never get into. I was confused if I could trust again, and doubted if I could even be that ideal slave, but I was proud to forge an identity for myself. I looked up Kadri, knowing that most of the names and concepts from the Gor books that the gorean kinksters used were borrowed from actual cultures. It turned out that Kadri was a variant of Kadir/Qadir based on Turkish and Arabic origins. It had a few interpretations; competent, capable, valuable. Being these things, they mattered to me. In the past few months I had been frequently made to feel without worth or potential, but I was determined I was going to be the best person I could be, alone, or in the service of someone else.

At the same time all of this happened, I went through my move to Victoria, and to new beginnings. In the course of a few years I experienced many new things, learning to trust, exploring different facets of my very complex sense of identity. Slowly, as wounds healed and my confidence returned I came to love those few special people calling me Kadri, even if they did not know the whole story. When I identified as Kadri, it was with people I had invited to use the name. I give it with power to a dominant in play, and with affection to a friend who cares for it. I champion it when I express myself creatively through my writing and creative endeavours. When I finally tired of people referring to the number at the end of the fetlife name out loud, I changed it to Kadri_ with a capital K. My name is mine, and I no longer felt comfortable consenting to the world putting me below others grammatically the way an abusive ex had wished me to.

Will it be my name forever? I am not sure. My identity is my collective experience and Kadri is a part of that. There was damage and abuse for “kadri” and in renewal, stubbornness, and growth I turned that scar into my badge of honour. I plan on wearing it until it falls off.

You’ll never know just how much I want you

The following is a special note to a very special man.

I don’t think you realize the affect you have on me, not fully. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to fully tell you in a way that can be conceived through the medium of words, but I’m willing to try.

Your day to day cares, your every routine, and the way you take the time when you get the chance to share your warmth with me, it warms my heart and inspires me. Just looking at you as you share your thoughts reminds me just how delightful you are. It makes the room more comfortable to be in because you are there.

My brain turns to jelly when you give me that look, the one you give when I’ve pleased you. When you tell me I’m good, I feel as a dog being pet. And when you are so kind as to mess with my head, or surprise me the way you do, the whole world spins.

 

And without even meaning to, damn near everything you do has the potential to turn me on sexually, because you're just so damned attractive, emotionally, physically, intellectually. You Sir are hot. I usually consciously need to try not to let just how desirable you are affect me. It’s on that scale where even bacon makes the world feel exciting.

I’ve been holding this in for months and have finally found what I think are the right words.

Cravings

Ever get a craving for a feeling? A feeling that you savour and look forward to, get the total craving to feel that thunder of some sort?

I have one of those cravings right now. I have that craving for obedience to someone special. That deep intimate feeling of doing what they wish me to do. Something simple, something complex, an action, a word, doing anything that they are asking me to. Suddenly the world makes sense and there is a joy and a serenity. I am fortunate in that I can often experience it multiple times a day, for a moment in an act of service. But sometimes I just cant get enough. I wonder if that makes me greedy?

I’ve been lucky enough to get to experience that sense of glee to do for a few very special tops in my life lately more than usual. It could be I’ve needed it more than I thought and this is my minds way of responding positively to it. It’s been a while since I had a craving like this.

Need a better mousetrap… I mean mantra

Do you have a personal Mantra? Something you say to yourself in a sort of self motivation? I know a lot of athletes have one. I wonder if many other kinksters do.

My mantra is really helpful for getting through a tough task, or motivating myself for some domestic duties I might not otherwise be feeling enough energy for. Sometimes It’s helped me get through a particular bad day, and other times helped me absorb discomfort in a scene when I am really in it to please.

This is a bit more of a personal reflection, but I’ve come to realize as helpful as my mantra has been, I need a new one. It’s like I outgrew it, and realize I can do better.

Let me explain, my mantra was devised for me by an abusive ex Mistress. At the time I embraced it whole heartedly because I was under that blind delusion that anything she said or did was absolutely wonderful. But now I stand years later finding that the word choice is far from the best for me.

The mantra I have been using is “This boy is a slave, he serves and obeys.” It was stoic, iconic, and entirely impersonal. The third person was a big thing at the time because it put me in a place of humility, but ultimately was so overused at that point that it was actually objectifying to my sense of self and only now am I really starting to realize that, four years later. And now that I look at it critically, I am so much more than a slave, interpreting that as my entire mantra is almost limiting. And as much as service and obedience are great, devotion, trust, and love are much greater values to me in my heart.

But my powdery remains, what do I replace it with? This is going to take some thinking. Suggestions welcome.

 

The mantra I’ve used the last

Service soothes the soul

I had a particularly bad day at work today. Not one of those something awful happened sort of days. But the entirely awkward little things all seem to happen, like yelling angry customer, and payroll confusion and machines breaking that cant be easily fixed.

When I got home, I ran on instinct and found housework that the boss needed doing, laundry was arranged, and dishes were suddenly my best friend. As soon as that was in order I hit the couch and foot rubs were given without any need for request. It was a marvellous release of the days stress, serving, being good, taking care of something I know is going to go right. They smiled at me and the world was right.

Just like that the bad day went away. funny how that goes?

Happy Holidays

I don’t have a topic or a big post. Life is busy this month as I’m moving, and theres a lot on the go for my dear Chaos and I. I’ll likely not be posting until January, and hopefully by then I’ll also have a spiffy podcast for you.

 

So whatever holiday you celebrate, I wish you love and joy this season.

On Obedience; Quality Counts

 

A quick housekeeping note for my regular followers. I’m in the process of moving right now so it’s getting harder to make more regular entries and get the privacy for a podcast recordings (yes more are coming), but I’m working on it. I thank you for your patience.

Obedience is tossed around a lot in kink talk these days. Its touted as being a very important part of power exchange. It’s one of those fundamental elements of D/s that newbies learn is important. In some cases it’s even a matter of not obeying, such as a more “bratty” dynamic.

I’ve noticed though that with the influx of new kinksters over the last few years, that the emphasis on obedience, and the enthusiasm of newer submissive type folks to be obedient, it becomes a blanket execution. All kinds of emphasis gets put on a submissive person needing to be obedient and how important that is, but not a lot of explanation to how such a skill or personal trait can be implemented effectively. So I’ve come up with three important points to think of when it comes to obedience.

1. REMEMBER WHO IS AND ISNT ENTITLED TO YOUR OBEDIENCE: When someone is obedient and easygoing as a personality trait, this one can be hard, but it’s important. If anyone off the street can wander up to you boss you about, then in the kink world you’re quite likely to be seen as a walking doormat, which isn’t attractive. Worse, someone who obeys an order from anyone they meet is easy prey for a predatory character who isn’t looking for your personality, but for meat to fill a purpose. That’s all well and good in fantasy, but in reality the eager doormat is a walking target for abuse. Alternatively the blanket obedience can come off pushy and incredibly unattractive to a potential partner. If you have a problem just obeying anyone’s direction, take a step back and guard that. It’s a gift and if you give it to anyone, its worth is lost.

2. CONSIDER YOUR ACTIONS: You are legally and societally responsible for your own actions. Even if those actions are being directed by someone else, and even if your local kink group will understand and forgive that, if its an action that breaks the law, or hurts someone, ultimately you are going to be the one responsible for it. So before you let someone you barely know send you on a mission to capture the grail consider things like “is this safe?” “is this legal?” “Is this going to cause problems for anyone else?” and ultimately “Is this logical?” At the end of the day a legitimate partner is going to value your opinion or input on what activities you are consenting to. The people who are making requests or giving orders are still human, and humans as we know are prone to errors in judgement. Even super amazing scary assed big bad dominants who never make mistakes might just make a tiny little error in judgement. Research kinky accidents if you don’t believe me. Just remember to be respectful when you communicate your questions or even potential decline in consent to obey X directive.

In some cases you might be together so long and with such a power dynamic that you obey everything pretty much without question, but even then, if something seems dangerous or questionable there needs to be a communication mechanism in place. In these cases its even more important because you are protecting both yourself, and your partner (be they your Sir, Mistress, Grand High Potato or whatever) from harm or consequence by applying thought to your actions. Ultimately this comes down to RACK or SSC or any other consent based safety mechanisms within your D/s and everyone is unique. I might even get some flack for saying this, but the person who demands unquestioning unthinking obedience from someone else is stepping away from reality and has the potential to become very very dangerous.

 

3. PUT YOUR ALL INTO IT: In kink as in life, a job worth doing is a job worth doing well. So when you are obeying someone you consider worthy of your obedience, and doing a task that is a reasonable consenting activity, do it with 110%! Any paid help can tidy the room, refill a drink, or go on an errand. Certainly it doesn’t take a heck of a lot of effort to “go stand over there” or “assume the position,” but perhaps its not about just filling the base requirement. Remember the old adage “service with a smile.” When someone is told to do X and goes about it mechanically, there isn’t a heck of a lot of amusement in this. If you’re going to obey a command or an order, you might as well do it with a bit of style too. Exceeding expectations goes a long way with people and the dominant folk out there are no exception. If you’re obeying someone, obey them happily, comfortably, and if its at all possible put a bit more into it than just the task requires.

Heck, sometimes obeying doesn't even require a direct command so much as listening skills and anticipation. I do a lot of domestic service with my partner Chaos. I obey requests of instructions to help with things, make food, serve dinner, etc. But alternatively I don't need to be asked or told to get the refill, or to jump in with a massage when I can tell one is wanted. Or the other night when she mentioned she had a craving for cheese, I went and rolled up some ham, knowing she likes ham, sliced the little rolls, and served a small plate of the two types of ham, and sliced cheddar. Those little extras go a long way in my experience, and they will in yours too.

If you can not only obey orders or instructions correctly, but anticipate them, and go above the expectations set, you will be well on your way to a happy partner. After all, its about the quality of obedience.

 

Those three concepts will hopefully provide a positive philosophy of quality obedience more so than blanket obedience can ever give anyone. ultimately its going to provide mutual satisfaction. Try and remember this, as I sometimes forget just what goes into why I obey the few people I do, and you might forget as well.  Some days you may even not be in the mood to obey with cheer, or even provide much, but if you communicate, and do what you can do, no one can reasonably expect otherwise. Good luck everybody, and play safe.

I don’t care if you don’t like safewords, you can not defy them

 

I will clarify now I am going to rant a bit about some really idiotic shit I’ve been seeing about safewords lately. I have no problem with someone not liking playing with safewords, as long as they have a clear communication of safety and consent.

The problem, is the asshats who refuse to acknowledge their play partners use of a safeword, safe call, or other means of indicating a cut of consent to continue in their activity. That’s right, I used the C word. CONSENT. Safewords are a tool to communicate consent. Neither party needs to use a safe word, as they can have many tools to indicate consent. But it doesn’t matter what your notion is, if someone has a safeword and uses it, or indicates midscene that they have such a thing, that’s consent, that’s the line, stop right now.

Because if you cross someone’s safeword, you are proceeding to perform acts against their consent, and depending on the act, it’s likely an illegal assault that will get your ass potentially labeled a sexual offender, not to mention embaress the entire kink community.

You know who ignores a partners safewords?

PREDATORS!

Creepy predator people telling a potential sub or slave that they will eventually give up all their right to consent as an act of submission have made me sick. So long as we exist in a society of rights and laws such as we do our consent is legally protected, and whatever clear form we indicate it needs to be followed.

THE VOICE OF UNLEASHED EXPRESSION, OCTOBER 8 2012

 

It's time for everyone’s favourite kinky talk show! Warning, nsfw adult content.

 

A special thank you goes out to our guest today, Woo. Please check out her tumblr

Sounds of Unleashed Expression

I’m considering doing a regular audio broadcast. Sort of like a podcast version. It would mostly be kink and queer issues, but also a little slice of life. I love to write this blug, but often don’t have the time or the patience to put my thoughts into the written word.

Also I’d like to especially do a guest component. My good friend Stabbity has occasionally had someone guest-write, and i really like the combined perspectives. I would be doing the same thing with the audio blog, with recorded conversation.

So the question is, what would you like to hear when I start doing these?

If it’s not yours don’t touch it

In kink culture there is one great big expectation that we often forget to talk about; being polite and respectful. Say please and thank you.  If something is not yours, ask to touch it, if someone has not given you permission to touch them or get in their space, don’t do that either! Respect the comfort zones of both people and their partners.  It’s not rocket science but it astounds me how incredibly disrespectful some members of the community will chronically behave, after repeated warnings and communication.

I’m going to just say it out right because it needs to be said.

Touching someone without their consent is not okay!

Touching other people’s partners without their collective consent is also not okay.

Getting in someone's personal space without consent is not okay.

Basically non consensual kink activities in general, not okay, and that should be more clear! Budding in or interfering in someone else's scene or power exchange, very much disrespectful and possibly dangerous.

If someone declines your invitation to do kinky things with them, its not acceptable to be act offended by the fact that they decline. If they are rude about, that you can be offended by. But consent is sacred and everyone’s right.

Another one I'm seeing more and more okay, engaging someone with sexual or power titles without consent is also not alright.  Titles mean many things to many people, and are sometimes sacred to a relationship. Its entirely acceptable to indicate someone is their partner’s ___title___ but to address them as such without indication that that’s okay can be incredibly disrespectful. And expecting someone else to engage you with a title is equally disrespectful. I see it a lot more online. Just calling a friend or even a stranger Mistress or Master for example without them being alright with it will ruffle some big feathers. And expecting someone to call you X title and being offended when they are not comfortable doing so makes you look like a giant asshole. Oh, and excuse me Grand High Vampire of the Golden Lands for expecting every sub out their to read your mind that you expect to be called that by them for some reason. Maybe you need to relax your pride just a little bit and remember you are both human beings with equal rights on this planet.

 

I’ve been holding off on this rant for a few months but after some things that really bothered me recently, I’ve realized it is long overdue. At a party I was at I saw several cases of very unsolicited non-consensual touches. From unasked for uncomfortable hugs to grabbing of someone else's body without consent struck me as something that is too easily dismissed.

A few months ago I met a new person at a munch. Not new to town, new to kink in general. She identified as a switch and seemed to be leaning towards the dom side. She was shy and nervous and rather kind. I had polite chat welcoming her to the community and later befriended her on fetlife. As she was welcomed into the community and stacked her friends list, her shyness wore off. The next two times I saw her, she aggressively attempted in one form or another to try to exert non-consensual dominance over me, getting into my personal space. I’m not going to go into details here, although I did publish my second warning letter to her on tumblr out of sheer frustration earlier in the summer. Because the awkward moments involved unsolicited body contact from her, very domineering and objectifying statements towards both myself and my partner.

Now by the third incident we were both rather leery. At a munch she attempted to force herself upon me with an unasked for forceful hug, ignoring my verbal warning to not touch me, requiring me to physically dislodge her from me, nearly shouting for her to stop and back off before she desisted. This is not okay.

 

This sort of bullshit is not acceptable behaviour and yet I’ve seen it more and more in the community both at home and across the internet to many of us. Be aware. Be informed. Know what you are within your rights to deny consent to. If someone fucks up with this, but owns up to it, learns from their mistake, then great, lets accept them respectfully into the community and let them earn trust. But if someone just keeps on fucking up after being warned, then be aware and warn others. Its not okay in any other community to violate the consent of others, and it sure as fuck isn’t okay in the kink community. And anyone who tells you otherwise might just be fucking dangerous.

 

End Rant

It’s okay to wear clothes, REALLY

I have a rant post this month. Actually I have a really angry rant post I’ve been saving up until my temper cools, thus the lack of blogging, but that will come later. For now though, a rant.

The alt community is comfortable, its so comfortable, its overly encouraging of comfort. There is nothing wrong with having a limit to your own comfort zone, I assure you. It’s important to respect the comfort zone of others, and yourself. In most cases this works quite well. My kink is my kink but if its not your kink that’s okay. It’s pretty standard.

Why does that standard not extend to nudity. I am a pretty kinky guy and am fairly comfortable in the nude amongst people I am extremely comfortable with, in private. Generally if it’s someone I am comfortable being naked around it’s also someone I’m comfortable seeing naked.  Otherwise if someone is nude around me, and it’s an acceptable standard of the setting, I politely avoid taking notice of the nudity and respect their right to be nude. And if in fact the amount of uncomfortable nudity in said situation starts to outweigh my comfort zone, I find a way to politely vacate from that event or location.

For the life of me though, I can’t get others in my extended social sphere to get this when they try time and time again to convince me how much fun I will have with them at the nude beach, where many naked strangers go. I even gave them a chance once, and went, on the condition I could keep my shorts on if I wanted to. I did, and suffered no end of comments and requests to remove my shorts. As predicted there were many other people there, strangers, all very nude, and in that environment I felt vulnerable, and uncomfortable. The fact that strangers very unfamiliar to me were naked would not have bothered me, if my naked companions had not been making a regular very big deal out of everyone's state of undress.

I have been at smaller parties where nudity or semi-nudity has been encouraged as well. And they were very comfortable environments for me, so i was able to take part in some degree of nudity for the play portion. And those at these parties who remained clothed at all times weren’t questioned for it. That is part of why I was so comfortable at my choice to disrobe when appropriate.

My point is having clothing optional situations, parties, events, beaches, etc, is fantastic. But depending on the environment, time, setting, or even mood, not everyone is going to be into being nude. Let’s respect each person’s choice on clothing, in either direction, just as we would respect someone's choice to take part in any other activity. And if we don’t make much of an issue of it, there might just be more people comfortable, and possibly naked.

The Media is out and ready to demonize

 

There is a man in Vancouver who happens to be a police officer. He was until this week a respected representative of the RCMP. He is also a respected member of the bdsm community.

Like many of us, he had great photo shoots done displaying consensual kink activities on fetlife. Well, someone leaked his photos to the powers that be. The RCMP began an internal investigation, and the media found out. Now the investigation has determined he has not broken any laws, that he has been involved in consensual activities. However that is not good enough for the apparently “tolerant” Canadian media. His bdsm activities are being described as perverse and abnormal. This man’s career is at this point ruined. His private life is now on display. He is being paraded out as an example of what a bad person does in their private life.

This media witch hunt is enough to make me sick. I never thought I would see such bigotry in Canadian News Media. But thank you society for proving me wrong.

What can we do? Write editorial replies and comments, constructively to the news media in response to these articles. (anonymously) Advocate rights and education for what we do. And present a positive example of who we are to the ignorant world at large. Better yet if you have connections to a news group that can put a better light on this, from a rights and lgbtq perspective please get this moving. I have yet to find a single article defending this poor man.

news articles referencing the situation can be found here:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/story/2012/07/05/bc-rcmp-sex-photos.html

http://www.torontosun.com/2012/07/05/bondage-photos-rock-bc-rcmp

http://www.globaltvbc.com/video/naughty+photos+posted+by+rcmp+officer/video.html?v=2253653218#stories/video

It’s all Relative

 

I’ve been meaning to make this post for a while now. Life has been busy though and I haven’t had a chance. It’s relevant to me and many I know, and it might just be relevant to you too.

It might not happen everywhere, but I know here, there is a real multi-generational kink community. You get to know people young and old and connect with many different perspectives. One of the side effects is, occasionally you find out people you already knew outside of kink, are kinky. Some of those times, its a family member.

There are certain things that go with this. Mainly, are you out to that family member and if not, are you going to be out now? If not, then you’re going to probably have a good reason, ie: a trust issue or a negative relationship. If that's the case then you will have to be pretty careful and give your social interactions in the community a lot of care. You’re going to want to create a game plan in case you are outed to them, because odds are it will happen.

I’ve seen this play out with a friend of mine who has an aunt in the community, once they discovered each other, my friend simply held to her pre-established cover of being a kink friendly person who has many friends in the community. That somehow kept judgement and negativity to a minimum, and privacy protected

I’ll add the disclaimer that the fact people need to worry about negativity and judgement from other kinksters within the community, says something worrisome about our hypothetically open and embracing community. And if you have a family member with that much of a problem in communication, trust, or judgement, perhaps something should be done about that just in the spirit of healthy relationship with family.

On the other side of the coin, you have a family member, you are out to each other, great. But it’s not so simple as going about your business for many, because just how open and up front with your kink do you want to be with someone who youre connected with on familial terms?

This is where the important rule of thumb comes to mind “Establish Boundaries and Communicate Them.” When my father and I outed ourselves to each other, we established clear communication. We can talk about kink in general, d/s philosophies, or our relationships with our partners just like any friend, however, we will not share sex+ play information, and we will not be witness to the other in any play at any parties we happen to attend. So in that I gained a trusted friend in the community who happens to be a family member, but I also dont get creeped out, and neither does he.  It’s awkward as fuck to establish those boundaries, but it sure beats assuming.

Others I know that have more distance need from their kink+ relatives alternate events, and make sure to plan around who's going to what. On the other hand I’ve seen families that share fetwear, so really, its all about how comfortable everyone is. Communicate, communicate, communicate (Unless you cant because of something awful).

Dress Rehearsal

So, new to playing? Want to do a real in person beginning, middle, end, aftercare, bdsm scene? Totally afraid its going to go wrong? Not sure what to expect?

Or maybe it’s not your first rodeo, but your partner is still pretty new. Or maybe you’ve been at it a while and you want to try a new style of play. In any case,  you might not be sure of the best approach to take with your big scene.

Why not rehearse? I mean people practice with toys and tricks and techniques, so why not practice together?  Going through a scene together before actually playing it is a great way to learn for beginners and new play mates.

Is it a standard practice? No. Should it be? In my opinion yes. Optional? Of course. As long as the scene’s content is not one entirely composed of surprises, you can skip the surprise twists when going through a walk through. Instead, just go through a walk through. “Here’s what we can do” with where one might play, what sort of expectations you both have in certain play actions, what might be useful from both perspectives, and any other observations and feedback you can give each other before you play will make for a lot more comfort going into the scene.

I say “Dress Rehearsal” because many have clothes/costumes they wear for play or for a scene. Keep in mind though playing in any special clothing, costumes, or outfit is not at all necessary. It is true though that it can help many get into a head space for power exchange. In addition, many have certain fetishes for materials or specific wardrobe items, that will help with the scene. So much like a theatrical dress rehearsal, kink rehearsal can be also in costume.

Having a pre planned checklist is a great planning tool, and I recommend that too. But this takes it one step further, because there are things that you'll observe in play that you wont observe in a checklist. Rehearsing might give you a bit more forethought of it, and an advantage in avoiding potential surprise disasters when its a new playmate or style.

Ultimately the big advantage is helping alleviate anxiety about “what will this be like?” I have helped a few new to kink, dominants learn to play by going through the breakdown of a  basic scene with them. I don’t claim to be any kind of expert or teacher, but I sure have found that a brand new top can be just as scared as a brand new bottom. Learning a simple breakdown or tutorial really takes the pressure off.

Some other msc perks include getting to know the layout of the playspace you’re working with, getting more comfortable with the idea of power exchange for fun, as well as active brainstorming.

A practice scene, at the end of the day, won’t work for everyone. Perhaps it would be entirely counter to how you approach your play. But if it could work for you, then give it a go. I hope it helps! Remember, practice makes perfect.

For Shame; A response

 

On Tumblr, I received a very pointed comment after my previous blog about shaming. At first I was very offended at a perceived intolerance and repression. Upon taking a breath and a reread I realized its a statement born of ignorance, perhaps even of shame. Rather than be rude and engage in an argumentative tone, I’ve written a strongly worded rebuttal. The following is the comment, followed by my response.

 

NO DUDE

WE DON’T NEED TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE

Just because everyone is telling their mother, father, coworkers and friends all about their furry fetish/bisexuality/vore/otherkin doesn’t mean you need to as well.

Unnecessary drama. If they find out, so they find out. No biggie, just look them in the eye and be cool with who you are. Doesn’t necessarily mean you should be screaming it from rooftops.

Same with something like being gay. If they see youre dating a dude, thats how theyll ‘find out’ - no need for dramatic movie inspired ‘coming out’ sessions that you can later blog about.

 

 

You picked an awfully interesting thread to reblog in order to tell me not to share or be open about who I am.

I am going to choose to believe that the inflammatory statement was meant respectfully. So I will tell you I respectfully disagree. I believe those of us who are not hetero-normative have just as much right to be who we are, and even be flamboyant about it as a hetero normative individual.

I will further state that part of why I blog about the topics I do, as with many of the thousands of other kink lifestyle bloggers, or other alt lifestyle bloggers, out of exploration, support, and understanding. This is not to scream from conceptual rooftops, but to build conceptual houses

I am finally going to point out that "sex life" and sexual or romantic identity and orientation are entirely different concepts. I rarely blog about my "sex life," and at the end of the day am somewhat private about the intimate details.

So I will thank you for sharing your outlook and bid you good day!

Kink Shame; Part 1 Sub Shame

So I’ve talked before about dealing with guilt or shame feelings within a d/s atmosphere. It’s rough to deal with negative feelings, especially the ones that can eat at you for a long time. Today though I want to talk about a related topic. Shame thrust upon we, the kinky.

I've noticed a trend, ever since the understanding of slut-shaming came into the mainstream, it was hard to miss. Kink-shaming is a huge thorn in the side of the community, and it comes from within and without. There are a lot of negative connotations about being kinky thrown at us, usually related to misconceptions and assumptions about morals and sexual expressions. It’s ridiculous and mostly founded in ignorance.

Most of what I’ve seen can be categorized as negativity towards submission, domination, or specific fetishes. Today I’m going to talk about sub shaming.

 

I am a submissive person, to put it simply. I am very proud of this sexual orientation, as a part of who I am. So on a personal note, it irks me to no end when the ignorant or insecurities of others inspire cruelty towards my sense of understanding in romance, and sexuality.

Simply put, there is a chaotic load of shit being said on an irregular basis by people in and out of the community equating submissive people as weak, stupid, cowardly, or even believe it or not suffering from a psychological disability . It is hurtful, ignorant and wrong. It causes a lot of hurt and even damage to those targeted. And I implore the world around us, to stop the shaming.

A lot of it can be blamed on the media, misconceptions of victimization as an effect of d/s activities are far too common. And of course for those who do not have a power orientation, the need to express oneself through submission is very hard to understand or conceptualize. Negative imagery surrounding it, especially combined with the cathartic fantasies we explore can provide a poor interpretation if there is no context.

Rather than attack the kink shamers (as my friend Stabbity would say, I’m too nice for something like that), I’m going to put the truth to the lies.

An incredibly common myth is that submissive people are weak. Now I'm not saying there aren’t weak people who happen to be submissive. But to be able to yield ones power to those you trust, is by its very nature a feat of strength. It requires a great deal of understanding, trust, and faith to say “Here, here is what I have. I’m letting you be both in charge of yourself, and in charge of me in this capacity. All that makes me strong, I'm going to fuel you with it.” Now granted not all submissive acts are epic on that scale, but you get the point I’m sure. The fact that many submissive people get enjoyment at playing at being weak or powerless, well there are many erotic or psychological reasons that that is fun or cathartic, but at the end of the day its playing. I can play a spy in a role play game, that doesn't mean I work for MI6,

And then we have the myth of submissives being stupid. Frankly, people have varied level of intellect. The very idea that this would affect ones orientation in any direction is ridiculous at best. The fact is, great and moving acts of submission require intelligence and wisdom. Complex tasks, anticipation of needs, foresight, and understanding when giving emotional support, all best when met with great intelligence. It doesn't matter who someone is in personal orientation, intelligence only furthers the human experience.

Cowardly… Cowardly… really? How does the logic on that one work. These people who rush headlong into their fears, face them with gritted teeth, challenge the fire around them… cowardly? Taking on great challenges in ones own life is something I see in submissive people on a regular basis. And this could vary, but in my experience if you want to see a brave person who forgets their fears, find a submissive party who has just learned of a threat to their partner. The fearless fury I've seen in some of my submissive friends when it comes to protecting the people in their lives is inspirational.

And now we reach a fallacy that offends me dearly. I'm going to big point out that its incredibly demeaning to both submissive folks and those who are differently abled by creating an accusatory connection. First off, there are many people about us who suffer from different psychological disabilities. They are people, just like you or me, and should not be recipient to prejudice. Secondly, it has nothing to do with their sexual or romantic orientation. And thirdly, it so happens  there are people who  have a mental disability and are, submissive. I have a friend who happens to be very open about being mentally disabled, and is a lovely wonderful submissive person. What do these two factors have to do with each other in her life? Absolutely nothing. It has no more connection than someone both being tall, and liking fried chicken. I am so in awe of my friend, able to express who she is, happily, and proud. She walks tall, regardless of the worlds ignorance about who she is, and has to deal with a lot more bullshit prejudice about her disability than she ever will about being kinky. And she does not give a damn about either anymore. She feels life is to short to give a damn about small minded people. One day I might walk half as tall as her.

 

So to my fellow submissive friends (bottoms, switches, and all other roles in that side of the spectrum too), I say this to you. Walk tall! For we need not listen to the ignorant bullies of the world. You are terrific people, and deserve to live free of shame.