Sounds of Unleashed Expression

I’m considering doing a regular audio broadcast. Sort of like a podcast version. It would mostly be kink and queer issues, but also a little slice of life. I love to write this blug, but often don’t have the time or the patience to put my thoughts into the written word.

Also I’d like to especially do a guest component. My good friend Stabbity has occasionally had someone guest-write, and i really like the combined perspectives. I would be doing the same thing with the audio blog, with recorded conversation.

So the question is, what would you like to hear when I start doing these?

If it’s not yours don’t touch it

In kink culture there is one great big expectation that we often forget to talk about; being polite and respectful. Say please and thank you.  If something is not yours, ask to touch it, if someone has not given you permission to touch them or get in their space, don’t do that either! Respect the comfort zones of both people and their partners.  It’s not rocket science but it astounds me how incredibly disrespectful some members of the community will chronically behave, after repeated warnings and communication.

I’m going to just say it out right because it needs to be said.

Touching someone without their consent is not okay!

Touching other people’s partners without their collective consent is also not okay.

Getting in someone's personal space without consent is not okay.

Basically non consensual kink activities in general, not okay, and that should be more clear! Budding in or interfering in someone else's scene or power exchange, very much disrespectful and possibly dangerous.

If someone declines your invitation to do kinky things with them, its not acceptable to be act offended by the fact that they decline. If they are rude about, that you can be offended by. But consent is sacred and everyone’s right.

Another one I'm seeing more and more okay, engaging someone with sexual or power titles without consent is also not alright.  Titles mean many things to many people, and are sometimes sacred to a relationship. Its entirely acceptable to indicate someone is their partner’s ___title___ but to address them as such without indication that that’s okay can be incredibly disrespectful. And expecting someone else to engage you with a title is equally disrespectful. I see it a lot more online. Just calling a friend or even a stranger Mistress or Master for example without them being alright with it will ruffle some big feathers. And expecting someone to call you X title and being offended when they are not comfortable doing so makes you look like a giant asshole. Oh, and excuse me Grand High Vampire of the Golden Lands for expecting every sub out their to read your mind that you expect to be called that by them for some reason. Maybe you need to relax your pride just a little bit and remember you are both human beings with equal rights on this planet.

 

I’ve been holding off on this rant for a few months but after some things that really bothered me recently, I’ve realized it is long overdue. At a party I was at I saw several cases of very unsolicited non-consensual touches. From unasked for uncomfortable hugs to grabbing of someone else's body without consent struck me as something that is too easily dismissed.

A few months ago I met a new person at a munch. Not new to town, new to kink in general. She identified as a switch and seemed to be leaning towards the dom side. She was shy and nervous and rather kind. I had polite chat welcoming her to the community and later befriended her on fetlife. As she was welcomed into the community and stacked her friends list, her shyness wore off. The next two times I saw her, she aggressively attempted in one form or another to try to exert non-consensual dominance over me, getting into my personal space. I’m not going to go into details here, although I did publish my second warning letter to her on tumblr out of sheer frustration earlier in the summer. Because the awkward moments involved unsolicited body contact from her, very domineering and objectifying statements towards both myself and my partner.

Now by the third incident we were both rather leery. At a munch she attempted to force herself upon me with an unasked for forceful hug, ignoring my verbal warning to not touch me, requiring me to physically dislodge her from me, nearly shouting for her to stop and back off before she desisted. This is not okay.

 

This sort of bullshit is not acceptable behaviour and yet I’ve seen it more and more in the community both at home and across the internet to many of us. Be aware. Be informed. Know what you are within your rights to deny consent to. If someone fucks up with this, but owns up to it, learns from their mistake, then great, lets accept them respectfully into the community and let them earn trust. But if someone just keeps on fucking up after being warned, then be aware and warn others. Its not okay in any other community to violate the consent of others, and it sure as fuck isn’t okay in the kink community. And anyone who tells you otherwise might just be fucking dangerous.

 

End Rant

It’s okay to wear clothes, REALLY

I have a rant post this month. Actually I have a really angry rant post I’ve been saving up until my temper cools, thus the lack of blogging, but that will come later. For now though, a rant.

The alt community is comfortable, its so comfortable, its overly encouraging of comfort. There is nothing wrong with having a limit to your own comfort zone, I assure you. It’s important to respect the comfort zone of others, and yourself. In most cases this works quite well. My kink is my kink but if its not your kink that’s okay. It’s pretty standard.

Why does that standard not extend to nudity. I am a pretty kinky guy and am fairly comfortable in the nude amongst people I am extremely comfortable with, in private. Generally if it’s someone I am comfortable being naked around it’s also someone I’m comfortable seeing naked.  Otherwise if someone is nude around me, and it’s an acceptable standard of the setting, I politely avoid taking notice of the nudity and respect their right to be nude. And if in fact the amount of uncomfortable nudity in said situation starts to outweigh my comfort zone, I find a way to politely vacate from that event or location.

For the life of me though, I can’t get others in my extended social sphere to get this when they try time and time again to convince me how much fun I will have with them at the nude beach, where many naked strangers go. I even gave them a chance once, and went, on the condition I could keep my shorts on if I wanted to. I did, and suffered no end of comments and requests to remove my shorts. As predicted there were many other people there, strangers, all very nude, and in that environment I felt vulnerable, and uncomfortable. The fact that strangers very unfamiliar to me were naked would not have bothered me, if my naked companions had not been making a regular very big deal out of everyone's state of undress.

I have been at smaller parties where nudity or semi-nudity has been encouraged as well. And they were very comfortable environments for me, so i was able to take part in some degree of nudity for the play portion. And those at these parties who remained clothed at all times weren’t questioned for it. That is part of why I was so comfortable at my choice to disrobe when appropriate.

My point is having clothing optional situations, parties, events, beaches, etc, is fantastic. But depending on the environment, time, setting, or even mood, not everyone is going to be into being nude. Let’s respect each person’s choice on clothing, in either direction, just as we would respect someone's choice to take part in any other activity. And if we don’t make much of an issue of it, there might just be more people comfortable, and possibly naked.

The Media is out and ready to demonize

 

There is a man in Vancouver who happens to be a police officer. He was until this week a respected representative of the RCMP. He is also a respected member of the bdsm community.

Like many of us, he had great photo shoots done displaying consensual kink activities on fetlife. Well, someone leaked his photos to the powers that be. The RCMP began an internal investigation, and the media found out. Now the investigation has determined he has not broken any laws, that he has been involved in consensual activities. However that is not good enough for the apparently “tolerant” Canadian media. His bdsm activities are being described as perverse and abnormal. This man’s career is at this point ruined. His private life is now on display. He is being paraded out as an example of what a bad person does in their private life.

This media witch hunt is enough to make me sick. I never thought I would see such bigotry in Canadian News Media. But thank you society for proving me wrong.

What can we do? Write editorial replies and comments, constructively to the news media in response to these articles. (anonymously) Advocate rights and education for what we do. And present a positive example of who we are to the ignorant world at large. Better yet if you have connections to a news group that can put a better light on this, from a rights and lgbtq perspective please get this moving. I have yet to find a single article defending this poor man.

news articles referencing the situation can be found here:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/story/2012/07/05/bc-rcmp-sex-photos.html

http://www.torontosun.com/2012/07/05/bondage-photos-rock-bc-rcmp

http://www.globaltvbc.com/video/naughty+photos+posted+by+rcmp+officer/video.html?v=2253653218#stories/video

It’s all Relative

 

I’ve been meaning to make this post for a while now. Life has been busy though and I haven’t had a chance. It’s relevant to me and many I know, and it might just be relevant to you too.

It might not happen everywhere, but I know here, there is a real multi-generational kink community. You get to know people young and old and connect with many different perspectives. One of the side effects is, occasionally you find out people you already knew outside of kink, are kinky. Some of those times, its a family member.

There are certain things that go with this. Mainly, are you out to that family member and if not, are you going to be out now? If not, then you’re going to probably have a good reason, ie: a trust issue or a negative relationship. If that's the case then you will have to be pretty careful and give your social interactions in the community a lot of care. You’re going to want to create a game plan in case you are outed to them, because odds are it will happen.

I’ve seen this play out with a friend of mine who has an aunt in the community, once they discovered each other, my friend simply held to her pre-established cover of being a kink friendly person who has many friends in the community. That somehow kept judgement and negativity to a minimum, and privacy protected

I’ll add the disclaimer that the fact people need to worry about negativity and judgement from other kinksters within the community, says something worrisome about our hypothetically open and embracing community. And if you have a family member with that much of a problem in communication, trust, or judgement, perhaps something should be done about that just in the spirit of healthy relationship with family.

On the other side of the coin, you have a family member, you are out to each other, great. But it’s not so simple as going about your business for many, because just how open and up front with your kink do you want to be with someone who youre connected with on familial terms?

This is where the important rule of thumb comes to mind “Establish Boundaries and Communicate Them.” When my father and I outed ourselves to each other, we established clear communication. We can talk about kink in general, d/s philosophies, or our relationships with our partners just like any friend, however, we will not share sex+ play information, and we will not be witness to the other in any play at any parties we happen to attend. So in that I gained a trusted friend in the community who happens to be a family member, but I also dont get creeped out, and neither does he.  It’s awkward as fuck to establish those boundaries, but it sure beats assuming.

Others I know that have more distance need from their kink+ relatives alternate events, and make sure to plan around who's going to what. On the other hand I’ve seen families that share fetwear, so really, its all about how comfortable everyone is. Communicate, communicate, communicate (Unless you cant because of something awful).

Dress Rehearsal

So, new to playing? Want to do a real in person beginning, middle, end, aftercare, bdsm scene? Totally afraid its going to go wrong? Not sure what to expect?

Or maybe it’s not your first rodeo, but your partner is still pretty new. Or maybe you’ve been at it a while and you want to try a new style of play. In any case,  you might not be sure of the best approach to take with your big scene.

Why not rehearse? I mean people practice with toys and tricks and techniques, so why not practice together?  Going through a scene together before actually playing it is a great way to learn for beginners and new play mates.

Is it a standard practice? No. Should it be? In my opinion yes. Optional? Of course. As long as the scene’s content is not one entirely composed of surprises, you can skip the surprise twists when going through a walk through. Instead, just go through a walk through. “Here’s what we can do” with where one might play, what sort of expectations you both have in certain play actions, what might be useful from both perspectives, and any other observations and feedback you can give each other before you play will make for a lot more comfort going into the scene.

I say “Dress Rehearsal” because many have clothes/costumes they wear for play or for a scene. Keep in mind though playing in any special clothing, costumes, or outfit is not at all necessary. It is true though that it can help many get into a head space for power exchange. In addition, many have certain fetishes for materials or specific wardrobe items, that will help with the scene. So much like a theatrical dress rehearsal, kink rehearsal can be also in costume.

Having a pre planned checklist is a great planning tool, and I recommend that too. But this takes it one step further, because there are things that you'll observe in play that you wont observe in a checklist. Rehearsing might give you a bit more forethought of it, and an advantage in avoiding potential surprise disasters when its a new playmate or style.

Ultimately the big advantage is helping alleviate anxiety about “what will this be like?” I have helped a few new to kink, dominants learn to play by going through the breakdown of a  basic scene with them. I don’t claim to be any kind of expert or teacher, but I sure have found that a brand new top can be just as scared as a brand new bottom. Learning a simple breakdown or tutorial really takes the pressure off.

Some other msc perks include getting to know the layout of the playspace you’re working with, getting more comfortable with the idea of power exchange for fun, as well as active brainstorming.

A practice scene, at the end of the day, won’t work for everyone. Perhaps it would be entirely counter to how you approach your play. But if it could work for you, then give it a go. I hope it helps! Remember, practice makes perfect.

For Shame; A response

 

On Tumblr, I received a very pointed comment after my previous blog about shaming. At first I was very offended at a perceived intolerance and repression. Upon taking a breath and a reread I realized its a statement born of ignorance, perhaps even of shame. Rather than be rude and engage in an argumentative tone, I’ve written a strongly worded rebuttal. The following is the comment, followed by my response.

 

NO DUDE

WE DON’T NEED TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE

Just because everyone is telling their mother, father, coworkers and friends all about their furry fetish/bisexuality/vore/otherkin doesn’t mean you need to as well.

Unnecessary drama. If they find out, so they find out. No biggie, just look them in the eye and be cool with who you are. Doesn’t necessarily mean you should be screaming it from rooftops.

Same with something like being gay. If they see youre dating a dude, thats how theyll ‘find out’ - no need for dramatic movie inspired ‘coming out’ sessions that you can later blog about.

 

 

You picked an awfully interesting thread to reblog in order to tell me not to share or be open about who I am.

I am going to choose to believe that the inflammatory statement was meant respectfully. So I will tell you I respectfully disagree. I believe those of us who are not hetero-normative have just as much right to be who we are, and even be flamboyant about it as a hetero normative individual.

I will further state that part of why I blog about the topics I do, as with many of the thousands of other kink lifestyle bloggers, or other alt lifestyle bloggers, out of exploration, support, and understanding. This is not to scream from conceptual rooftops, but to build conceptual houses

I am finally going to point out that "sex life" and sexual or romantic identity and orientation are entirely different concepts. I rarely blog about my "sex life," and at the end of the day am somewhat private about the intimate details.

So I will thank you for sharing your outlook and bid you good day!