Service soothes the soul

I had a particularly bad day at work today. Not one of those something awful happened sort of days. But the entirely awkward little things all seem to happen, like yelling angry customer, and payroll confusion and machines breaking that cant be easily fixed.

When I got home, I ran on instinct and found housework that the boss needed doing, laundry was arranged, and dishes were suddenly my best friend. As soon as that was in order I hit the couch and foot rubs were given without any need for request. It was a marvellous release of the days stress, serving, being good, taking care of something I know is going to go right. They smiled at me and the world was right.

Just like that the bad day went away. funny how that goes?

Happy Holidays

I don’t have a topic or a big post. Life is busy this month as I’m moving, and theres a lot on the go for my dear Chaos and I. I’ll likely not be posting until January, and hopefully by then I’ll also have a spiffy podcast for you.

 

So whatever holiday you celebrate, I wish you love and joy this season.

On Obedience; Quality Counts

 

A quick housekeeping note for my regular followers. I’m in the process of moving right now so it’s getting harder to make more regular entries and get the privacy for a podcast recordings (yes more are coming), but I’m working on it. I thank you for your patience.

Obedience is tossed around a lot in kink talk these days. Its touted as being a very important part of power exchange. It’s one of those fundamental elements of D/s that newbies learn is important. In some cases it’s even a matter of not obeying, such as a more “bratty” dynamic.

I’ve noticed though that with the influx of new kinksters over the last few years, that the emphasis on obedience, and the enthusiasm of newer submissive type folks to be obedient, it becomes a blanket execution. All kinds of emphasis gets put on a submissive person needing to be obedient and how important that is, but not a lot of explanation to how such a skill or personal trait can be implemented effectively. So I’ve come up with three important points to think of when it comes to obedience.

1. REMEMBER WHO IS AND ISNT ENTITLED TO YOUR OBEDIENCE: When someone is obedient and easygoing as a personality trait, this one can be hard, but it’s important. If anyone off the street can wander up to you boss you about, then in the kink world you’re quite likely to be seen as a walking doormat, which isn’t attractive. Worse, someone who obeys an order from anyone they meet is easy prey for a predatory character who isn’t looking for your personality, but for meat to fill a purpose. That’s all well and good in fantasy, but in reality the eager doormat is a walking target for abuse. Alternatively the blanket obedience can come off pushy and incredibly unattractive to a potential partner. If you have a problem just obeying anyone’s direction, take a step back and guard that. It’s a gift and if you give it to anyone, its worth is lost.

2. CONSIDER YOUR ACTIONS: You are legally and societally responsible for your own actions. Even if those actions are being directed by someone else, and even if your local kink group will understand and forgive that, if its an action that breaks the law, or hurts someone, ultimately you are going to be the one responsible for it. So before you let someone you barely know send you on a mission to capture the grail consider things like “is this safe?” “is this legal?” “Is this going to cause problems for anyone else?” and ultimately “Is this logical?” At the end of the day a legitimate partner is going to value your opinion or input on what activities you are consenting to. The people who are making requests or giving orders are still human, and humans as we know are prone to errors in judgement. Even super amazing scary assed big bad dominants who never make mistakes might just make a tiny little error in judgement. Research kinky accidents if you don’t believe me. Just remember to be respectful when you communicate your questions or even potential decline in consent to obey X directive.

In some cases you might be together so long and with such a power dynamic that you obey everything pretty much without question, but even then, if something seems dangerous or questionable there needs to be a communication mechanism in place. In these cases its even more important because you are protecting both yourself, and your partner (be they your Sir, Mistress, Grand High Potato or whatever) from harm or consequence by applying thought to your actions. Ultimately this comes down to RACK or SSC or any other consent based safety mechanisms within your D/s and everyone is unique. I might even get some flack for saying this, but the person who demands unquestioning unthinking obedience from someone else is stepping away from reality and has the potential to become very very dangerous.

 

3. PUT YOUR ALL INTO IT: In kink as in life, a job worth doing is a job worth doing well. So when you are obeying someone you consider worthy of your obedience, and doing a task that is a reasonable consenting activity, do it with 110%! Any paid help can tidy the room, refill a drink, or go on an errand. Certainly it doesn’t take a heck of a lot of effort to “go stand over there” or “assume the position,” but perhaps its not about just filling the base requirement. Remember the old adage “service with a smile.” When someone is told to do X and goes about it mechanically, there isn’t a heck of a lot of amusement in this. If you’re going to obey a command or an order, you might as well do it with a bit of style too. Exceeding expectations goes a long way with people and the dominant folk out there are no exception. If you’re obeying someone, obey them happily, comfortably, and if its at all possible put a bit more into it than just the task requires.

Heck, sometimes obeying doesn't even require a direct command so much as listening skills and anticipation. I do a lot of domestic service with my partner Chaos. I obey requests of instructions to help with things, make food, serve dinner, etc. But alternatively I don't need to be asked or told to get the refill, or to jump in with a massage when I can tell one is wanted. Or the other night when she mentioned she had a craving for cheese, I went and rolled up some ham, knowing she likes ham, sliced the little rolls, and served a small plate of the two types of ham, and sliced cheddar. Those little extras go a long way in my experience, and they will in yours too.

If you can not only obey orders or instructions correctly, but anticipate them, and go above the expectations set, you will be well on your way to a happy partner. After all, its about the quality of obedience.

 

Those three concepts will hopefully provide a positive philosophy of quality obedience more so than blanket obedience can ever give anyone. ultimately its going to provide mutual satisfaction. Try and remember this, as I sometimes forget just what goes into why I obey the few people I do, and you might forget as well.  Some days you may even not be in the mood to obey with cheer, or even provide much, but if you communicate, and do what you can do, no one can reasonably expect otherwise. Good luck everybody, and play safe.

I don’t care if you don’t like safewords, you can not defy them

 

I will clarify now I am going to rant a bit about some really idiotic shit I’ve been seeing about safewords lately. I have no problem with someone not liking playing with safewords, as long as they have a clear communication of safety and consent.

The problem, is the asshats who refuse to acknowledge their play partners use of a safeword, safe call, or other means of indicating a cut of consent to continue in their activity. That’s right, I used the C word. CONSENT. Safewords are a tool to communicate consent. Neither party needs to use a safe word, as they can have many tools to indicate consent. But it doesn’t matter what your notion is, if someone has a safeword and uses it, or indicates midscene that they have such a thing, that’s consent, that’s the line, stop right now.

Because if you cross someone’s safeword, you are proceeding to perform acts against their consent, and depending on the act, it’s likely an illegal assault that will get your ass potentially labeled a sexual offender, not to mention embaress the entire kink community.

You know who ignores a partners safewords?

PREDATORS!

Creepy predator people telling a potential sub or slave that they will eventually give up all their right to consent as an act of submission have made me sick. So long as we exist in a society of rights and laws such as we do our consent is legally protected, and whatever clear form we indicate it needs to be followed.

THE VOICE OF UNLEASHED EXPRESSION, OCTOBER 8 2012

 

It's time for everyone’s favourite kinky talk show! Warning, nsfw adult content.

 

A special thank you goes out to our guest today, Woo. Please check out her tumblr

Sounds of Unleashed Expression

I’m considering doing a regular audio broadcast. Sort of like a podcast version. It would mostly be kink and queer issues, but also a little slice of life. I love to write this blug, but often don’t have the time or the patience to put my thoughts into the written word.

Also I’d like to especially do a guest component. My good friend Stabbity has occasionally had someone guest-write, and i really like the combined perspectives. I would be doing the same thing with the audio blog, with recorded conversation.

So the question is, what would you like to hear when I start doing these?

If it’s not yours don’t touch it

In kink culture there is one great big expectation that we often forget to talk about; being polite and respectful. Say please and thank you.  If something is not yours, ask to touch it, if someone has not given you permission to touch them or get in their space, don’t do that either! Respect the comfort zones of both people and their partners.  It’s not rocket science but it astounds me how incredibly disrespectful some members of the community will chronically behave, after repeated warnings and communication.

I’m going to just say it out right because it needs to be said.

Touching someone without their consent is not okay!

Touching other people’s partners without their collective consent is also not okay.

Getting in someone's personal space without consent is not okay.

Basically non consensual kink activities in general, not okay, and that should be more clear! Budding in or interfering in someone else's scene or power exchange, very much disrespectful and possibly dangerous.

If someone declines your invitation to do kinky things with them, its not acceptable to be act offended by the fact that they decline. If they are rude about, that you can be offended by. But consent is sacred and everyone’s right.

Another one I'm seeing more and more okay, engaging someone with sexual or power titles without consent is also not alright.  Titles mean many things to many people, and are sometimes sacred to a relationship. Its entirely acceptable to indicate someone is their partner’s ___title___ but to address them as such without indication that that’s okay can be incredibly disrespectful. And expecting someone else to engage you with a title is equally disrespectful. I see it a lot more online. Just calling a friend or even a stranger Mistress or Master for example without them being alright with it will ruffle some big feathers. And expecting someone to call you X title and being offended when they are not comfortable doing so makes you look like a giant asshole. Oh, and excuse me Grand High Vampire of the Golden Lands for expecting every sub out their to read your mind that you expect to be called that by them for some reason. Maybe you need to relax your pride just a little bit and remember you are both human beings with equal rights on this planet.

 

I’ve been holding off on this rant for a few months but after some things that really bothered me recently, I’ve realized it is long overdue. At a party I was at I saw several cases of very unsolicited non-consensual touches. From unasked for uncomfortable hugs to grabbing of someone else's body without consent struck me as something that is too easily dismissed.

A few months ago I met a new person at a munch. Not new to town, new to kink in general. She identified as a switch and seemed to be leaning towards the dom side. She was shy and nervous and rather kind. I had polite chat welcoming her to the community and later befriended her on fetlife. As she was welcomed into the community and stacked her friends list, her shyness wore off. The next two times I saw her, she aggressively attempted in one form or another to try to exert non-consensual dominance over me, getting into my personal space. I’m not going to go into details here, although I did publish my second warning letter to her on tumblr out of sheer frustration earlier in the summer. Because the awkward moments involved unsolicited body contact from her, very domineering and objectifying statements towards both myself and my partner.

Now by the third incident we were both rather leery. At a munch she attempted to force herself upon me with an unasked for forceful hug, ignoring my verbal warning to not touch me, requiring me to physically dislodge her from me, nearly shouting for her to stop and back off before she desisted. This is not okay.

 

This sort of bullshit is not acceptable behaviour and yet I’ve seen it more and more in the community both at home and across the internet to many of us. Be aware. Be informed. Know what you are within your rights to deny consent to. If someone fucks up with this, but owns up to it, learns from their mistake, then great, lets accept them respectfully into the community and let them earn trust. But if someone just keeps on fucking up after being warned, then be aware and warn others. Its not okay in any other community to violate the consent of others, and it sure as fuck isn’t okay in the kink community. And anyone who tells you otherwise might just be fucking dangerous.

 

End Rant